Once You've met someone, You never really forget them .! It just takes a while for Your memories to return .!

Addison Montgomery: Did you ever read "The Lady or The Tiger" .?

Therapist: No .!

Addison Montgomery: There is a princess, who falls in love with a guard, which is... Y'know, inappropriate . So, when her father, the king finds out, he throws the guard into some kind of arena . Behind one door there is a tiger, that will tear him to bits and behind the other is a lady with whom he'd be free, to live the rest of his life . The princess is forced to sit in the stands and choose his fate .

Therapist: What does she choose .?

Addison Montgomery: The author never tells the end .

Therapist: What do you think she chose .?

Time has gone by so quickly and at the moment things are okay . *spits three times over his shoulder*

Tuesday (11.10) I started talking to a cute guy via Scruff (an app on my phone), who is living 8816 km away from me . At first we talked on Scruff and then we moved on to Skype . First we just wrote and then the Skype video calls started . He showed me his (amazing) house, the neighbourhood, his office, where he works (it wasn’t all on one night) .

It was sooo weird to look outside of his window and see a shining hot sun, while I took a look out of my window and saw the brick houses of Lasnamäe and the full moon .

The guy is a bit older, than my usual age limit (37) and a „bit“ hairier than I’m used to . But there is something about him, that makes me want to keep on talking to him and who knows... May-be one day even meet him F2F . :) At the moment we do talk less, but I sincerely hope that the talks will continue for a long long time . :)

I’ve always said that admitting the problem is never a problem for me . I can say easily what I’m doing wrong and what mistakes I have . But he was the first (and so far the only) one who replied: “That shows that you are OK with those problems/mistakes!” And that made me think... I’m not okay with that... :S

On Friday (14.10) we went out to party . Of course we went to X-Baar (because that’s the place I love the most) . We also checked „KAPP“ out, but it was empty as all hell so we went back to X-Baar, where we drank and danced the night away .

There was this one blonde guy who was constantly looking at me on the dance floor . At one point I left the dance floor to sit by myself and to give him a chance to come and talk to me . He followed me, but he just stood quite close to me and said nothing, glancing at me from time to time . Then I got fed up and I told him to sit next to me . He did . And we started to talk and the next thing I know I’m in his room in Swisshotel .

Nothing much happened there, just a lot of kissing and then good night in his big masculine arms .

In the morning (15.10) there was a bit more than kissing .! xDAnd then I met up with Villu and Taki to go to the Vabaduse väljak, because there was this Occupy Tallinn thingy . I’m not 100% sure what it was all about (Villu told us many many times why it’s important to be there, but I just wasn’t listening so much) . I just went there to support my friend . Laura and Tanel also joined us .

After that we went to eat in an Asian food place and after that I went home, to take a shower and then I left on birthday party . Darja’s (a co-worker) birthday was okay . I ate a lot (she and her boyfriend made all the stuff and it was just delicious) . We talked a bit, drank a bit and watched a bit of TV .

I left around eight PM to go to another birthday party . This time it was one of my best friends from my village, Jane .

There were a lot of people, a lot of familiar faces and also new ones . It was good to be there and have fun with them . Until I found out that they had discussed me, before I came over . Most of them are... Young teenage girls and their teenage boyfriends, so I can just imagine what they were saying about me, but when I got there everyone had a smile slapped all over their faces and everything was okay . „We didn’t mean any harm, we were just discussing where were you.“ one of them said . Yeah, right .!

Well... I was a bit tipsy already so I didn’t give a fuck what they thought of me . I came to celebrate my friend’s birthday and that’s all .

After that we went to the Old Town . Most of the time we spent in Tonic . A place where I don’t go that often, because it’s a straight bar . But I had fun with the girls and it was okay . :)After the party I finally got to go home to sleep .

On Sunday (16.10) it was Laura’s turn to show us a movie and she showed us „Spirited Away“ (this entries title is a quote from that movie) .

The next Saturday (22.10) my mother came to visit me . She brought me potatoes, pickles and other stuff . We went to the market, so she could buy me a winter coat, because she refused to stand by and watch me wear my denim jacket again, like I did last winter .

In the evening an old flame from my past wrote me in Gayromeo . Of course I responded and the conversation was pretty good .

On Sunday (23.10) it was Mr L's turn to show us a movie and this time he selected „Sordid Lives“ . I'm just going to keep quiet about that movie .! xD No comments .! :D

On Monday (24.10) I wrote that we should get together and on Thursday (27.10) E was standing in front of me . :)

At first we walked for a while in Kadrioru Park and then we decided to go my place (where he stayed for the next seven nights) . The talk was good, but not as good as it was when we met four years ago ...

But it was still nice to see him again . I got to delete some of my questions about why he acted the way he did in the past (just leaving me without ANY explanation) and quietly smile towards our possible future . Y’never know, Y’know .! :D

During the night we watched „Sucker Punch“ (which he didn’t like at all), played Alias and emptied a bottle of Champaign . :)

On Friday (28.10) it was soo good to wake up next to him . We talked, got a cake from the store and then the man escorted me to work .

After work I went back home, where others also came for our Every-Friday drinking night . :D I stayed sober, because E was coming over around 11PM .

On Saturday (29.10) I went to the Nevski Church by 4PM with a friend of mine to find out what we need for a christening of her child . I was going to be her babies Godfather . :)

We spent there the most boring hour that I'll never get back, because the Russian padre was talking about the Gospel .! Half of the speech I didn't understand (even though I understand Russian very well, the padre over there used words I hadn't even imagined existed) and half of the speech I just didn't listen, because it was too damn boring . And plus the small room had an awful echo, so I couldn't even hear most of his words, even though I was sitting right under the Holy Fathers nose .

It was VERY nice to go back home and to see that E was waiting there . :) We spent the rest of the night cuddling, talking, watching movies and TV .

On Sunday (30.10) morning he went home, because I had to go to work . There weren't so many interviewers on call that day so I had to go and be one for the day .

Half past four I took off from work and headed to Mr L's place to . This time it was Taki-s turn and he made us laugh with „Kinky Boots“ . :) It was a very good movie (for one time only) . :D Next time it would be MY turn .! :D Muhahahahaaaa .! :D

After that E came back to my place, with Tanel . Villu and Taki joined us for a little... meditation session . E meditated for the first time in his life and at first when we were alone in the balcony smoking, he seemed just fine, but the rest of the evening he spent in the armchair, quiet as a mouse and when I asked softly is he okay, then he just replied that he is just bored out of his mind .

That's understandable .! Not everybody has to like my friends and the things we talk about . After my friends left, we watched a little TV, ate and went to sleep quite early, because the man had a terrible headache...
At the moment everything is okay and beautiful . Only my overthinking isn’t giving me any peace . I do try to breathe slowly in and out and just concentrating on the “now”, but sometimes still, while being alone, some questions/thoughts creep into my mind .

Do we have a future .? May-be he was brought back into my life, so I could finally close a chapter of my life, that left me with a hell of a lot of questions .? Or may-be back then it was just the wrong timing .? May-be now we have a bigger chance in making it, because I’m not a friendless flowerchild any more, as I was 4,5 years ago, when I had just moved to Tallinn and knew practically no one here .?

On that Thursday when we walked in Kadrioru park, I just couldn’t resist the temptation and I asked why he acted the way he did – just cutting me off without ANY explanation at all . He explained and apologized with a long speech, but the short version is that I was just his rebound guy . That he actually wasn’t looking for a relationship and he wasn’t so sure of himself back then . He had just gotten out of a relationship, that lasted for a year and a half and he THOUGHT that what he needed was a relationship, but he was wrong . Sad, but true .!

At least now I know... Better late, than never, right .?
And you know what .? At that time, when he was explaining his actions, I realized something inside of me . I realized, that I had forgiven him a long time ago, I just never noticed ...

On Tuesday (1.11) morning I met up with my friend and his husband and one more girl (Jevgenija) and we all went to the Nevski church to get the baby baptized . I became the Godfather and she became the Godmother . Because it was a boy I had to hold him all through the ceremony .

It was... Nice .! :D The father said some prayers, read something from the Bible, smeared some stuff on the baby and the last thing was dipping the baby into the bowl (or whatever that was) with Holy Water .

It all took about an hour and it was nice . :)

But afterwards... OMG .!

I’m not really athletic . Sports or going to the gym - not my thing . I don’t do any heavy lifting or any kinds of physical things . So... Holding a baby that’s (almost) 6 months old in my arms for an hour... After the ceremony was over we went out of the church and I lit my cigarette and honest to god, I couldn’t keep my arm up, because my non-existant muscles hurt SO BAD, it wasn’t even funny . It was just sad .! :D

After that I said my good-byes and moved on to go and see Jane . We had coffee, watched TV, played with her children, talked and then I went home to E . :)

On Sunday (6.11) I came from his place and wanted to go straight to Mr L’s place, because it was my turn to show the movie . But I got there a bit too early, so I walked around for half an hour, because the last thing I wanted, was to sit in his flat alone with him .

But my walk was a bit shorter than I expected, so I just took a deep breath and I went in .

And I was quite surprised to notice, that I could talk to him (almost) just fine . I could look at him without my heart beating five times faster than usually .

Then another thought jumped in my mind – may-be E was sent back only, so I could get over Mr L .?

Come to think of it... This is just stupid .! How can I miss something that was never there .? I mean we were never officially a couple with Mr L . We only dated for two and a half months, where we never had “the talk”, after what we would define ourselves as a couple . All we did was dating, I fell in love and he kissed another guy . That’s all .!

So why is it so hard to forget about that blonde mini-god .?
Anyway... My movie was “Charlotte’s Web”, where I cried like a little baby . Tanel told me that it was quite noticeable, but I didn’t care . Until there were 10 minutes left until the end, then I left the room to go to the kitchen, to sob quietly by myself, while still watching the movie from a distance .

On Friday (11.11) Tanel and Allan came to our place, so we could all play a board-game called “Risk” . It was a fun night . I didn’t drink any alcohol, just coffee . E was with us and everything was very good .

On Sunday (13.11) we got a letter from Mr L, saying that he can’t host the movie night that evening . It was so obvious that since I’m not in his friends list in facebook anymore, then he just wrote the letter to the others and just copy/pasted the letter to me . No “Hi Rommy” or whatever . Just copy/paste .! So we had it to our place . Tanel showed us a movie called “Blind” .

One day I was doing stuff behind my computer and I noticed that E logged in to MSN . It didn’t make my heart jump . I just looked at the message, smiled and continued doing what I was doing . But then I thought... What if Mr L would write to me .? I think my heart would just skip a beat, all because I got a letter from Him .

I’m trying not to overthink it all, but sometimes I just can’t help it . I would want to talk about these things with my friends, when we’re having our meditation nights, but something inside me keeps me back . It says, that I should keep my mouth shut . I shouldn’t tell nobody anything, because... I don’t know why . There is just this little voice, that says: “Fuck them .! It’s not their problem .! These are not their questions, they can’t give you the answers you need .! Only time can do that . So there is no point in discussing something that isn’t their business .! And besides... You don’t have anything to say that doesn’t sound like a complaint . So spare them from your whining .!” Even though I’ve been dying to speak my mind, that voice is louder . Therefore whenever I feel like this is the moment where I would like to say something, my lips just won’t start moving, no voice is coming out .

Then I made a decision . Instead of telling them what’s going on in my head, I’m gonna open another blog . Under another alias and I’m not gonna give it to anyone I know . Just a little something for my own peace of mind . :)

But for this very moment... I think being quiet is for the best . :)

On Saturday (19.11) I went to my friends place, whose childs Godfather I became . They had set a table with all sorts of goods and I got to eat a lot and drink Champaign . Mostly I stayed quiet and observed the two Russian families . From the girls side there was her mother and her grandmother (Great Grandmother to my Godchild) and from the boys side there was his mother and father plus a relative with her husband and child . It was nice . A bit boring, but nice .

Next Sunday (20.11) it was Allans turn to show the movie and he showed us a French comedy “Priceless” . That movie was pretty good for a European movie .! :D Before everyone else had arrived to Mr L’s place, I was bored and started to talk to the “Guest” (a person who is always there, but no one knows much about him, because he is always quiet and when we used to talk with Mr L, then he referred to him as “the Guest” . Not as his boyfriend or as his friend or anything else . And what’s worse – the Guest once introduced himself to all of us, but no one could recall his name . No one .!!!) . So I was just sitting in my corner and observing him and then I asked what is he doing and just being friendly . He showed me some of his studying material and Voila! – there was the answer to the question on everyones mind – his name .! :D Turns out the Guest isn’t so bad at all . Quite interesting little fella . ;)

Isn’t it funny, when you stop trying to get an answer to your question and then it just comes to You .! :)

On Friday (25.11) me and my friends went to a place called “OMA Keskus” . It’s a gay and lesbian info center here in Tallinn, that was opened this year (if I’m not wrong) . This time they had a “Mens night” . An evening for men only . Even E came with us . It was a fun idea, especially when we all played a game called “Mafia” .

Mr L and the Guest and his one other friend also came . I was polite and good, but I didn’t really talk to them . I just kept away and chatted with other people . After that they went to KAPP, so I made it my mission to make the others come with me to X-Baar . Only a few came with me . I got to dance a little and already about 2AM I was home with E . I was quite sober, but I had a lot on my mind, so I said some things that I shouldn’t have . I didn’t say anything bad or evil . I just opened myself up a little bit and I shouldn’t have . One of the things I talked about was that he doesn’t understand me and he can’t handle the real me . I know, I know - STUPID .! But it was all boiling inside of me and he noticed that I’m not that okay, so he asked and I answered .

There was no drama, the whole conversation was done with a low tone and calmly .

And we didn’t get to finish it, because at one point I went out on the balcony to have a smoke and when I came back, he was already asleep...

The next day (26.11) I slept until 4PM and when I woke up, he was gone... I called him and he said that he just needs a few days by himself .

A day later (27.11) Laura made us all laugh with “Death at a Funeral” . There were a lot of moments, where the whole room was laughing, because it was a really good movie .!

The only one not laughing was me . The only thought in my mind was: “I don’t want to be here .! I don’t want to be here .! I don’t want to be here .!”

On Monday (28.11) E came to my place after my work . Everything is okay, we’re not talking about the Friday-night conversation . We just lay back, talk, smile, watch movies/TV and just are ... Of course that doesn't mean, the questions and the doubts and everything else has just vanished . I'm just gonna relax, give it some more time and just enjoy coming home with someone standing by the door with a kiss .! :)

Addison Montgomery: Well when I was younger, when I read the story . I thought the princess chose the tiger, because who would want to watch the man you love spend the rest of his life with another woman .? Honestly, I've been there and it's... It's really... It is too cruel .!

Therapist: And now .? What do you think now .?

Addison Montgomery: Well now... I guess I'd like to think that the princess pointed to the lady . Because I'm starting to think that love might mean wanting the other person to be happy ... Even if that means they can't stay with You ...

And here’s a song that Tanel showed me years ago:

Delta Goodrem – Believe Again (When we started dating with E, I listened to this song over and over again and I was 100% sure I DO Believe Again . Now I’m like... Do I .? 'Cause everything is just nice .! Is that what happiness feels like .? Nice .? Oh Damn .! I'm overthinking again .! :D Fuck it, I'm off .!)