Summer, hope and manifesting

So... Summer is gone. All that's left is the greenery, which is also slowly turning into yellow/red. Sadly there weren't that many of the really warm days this summer anyway, only lots of rain and many promises of thunderstorms, which didn't happen in 99% of cases (at least not in my city). 
A little over four months have gone by since my last working day and I've done almost nothing with my free time.
Most days still follow the same logic as before: waking up at 6:30, coffee, shower, breakfast. Then out to do my steps or at last over half of the goal to reach the minimum requirement (if there's also gym in the evening and if not, then I'd do all the 10000 steps in one go). Three to four times a week around lunch time I'm on a WhatsApp call with Cameron who's in Melbourne (Australia) and we watch Drag Race together. Evenings it's either tv shows, games or gym (three to five times per week). Sleep around ten/eleven pm and repeat. Days have melted into each one other in a way. Sort of feels like groundhog day...

But I really do enjoy it. It's feels good to follow a path somehow and just not to worry. The idea from the start was to find a way to regenerate my nerves and I feel like it's been helping.
*I love walking in the mornings, because then there's less people around the Old Town. 
*I love watching Drag Race with Cameron. Firstly because it's nice to share things with others and I really love the art of drag and drag queens overall. 
*I love going to the gym. Sure, I may not fully enjoy all exercises I do, but I like the results. And I also found a friend to join me on most evenings, so there's more motivation to keep going. Thanks to him I do a stretching routine right after arriving to the gym (because he taught it to me and we always to do together at the start). Aaand of course not to mention all the eye candy that walks around in the gym. :P They also don't hurt it when you need motivation to keep pumping and stay active and healthy.
*I love going to sleep early. I feel much more invigorated when I keep to the same sleeping schedule. Without an alarm it is so easy to oversleep and then feel a lot more tired during the day than normally. Early mornings are also really nice because they're quiet and peaceful. Especially the first cup of coffee. :)
Normally during Saturdays Kacey would come to my place to watch TV shows together. At the moment we're flying through "Yellowjackets" and "Only Murders In The Building".

One of the main downsides of this unemployed life is the financial side. When I was let go from my previous job, they gave me some compensation, which helped me survive the summer. Also the unemployment agency sends some support once per month (almost like a payday), but that system is... not meant for a long time period. What I mean is that in Estonia you get unemployment benefits for 9 months (at the moment at least, since there are talks in shortening that). First they take the average of what you had earned in the past 6 months and then the first 90 days you get 70% of that average and then after that the percentage starts going down.
I survived the summer just okay with this benefit, plus what my previous company had given, but that all ended (even though I didn't splurge anything and was trying to be as careful as I could, so that it would last until I find a new job).
At the end of August there was one day where I had no money, nor food at home. Luckily brother helped me out and I pulled it through until the next "payday". Also got a little bit of cash from mom for my birthday in September (though I have a feeling she borrowed it from somewhere, because normally she has nothing by the end of the month herself).
Now I'm back there again. At this current moment I do have some food in the fridge, but my bank account has 14,23€ (just checked). No idea yet how I'll pull through, but there's always a way and I'm sure I'll figure it out. But if anyone wants to make a donation, I'm all open for it. :D

Job search wise it hasn't been that good either. Originally I wanted to do something I have never done before. I am tired of life in offices and all the bureaucracy and the world of consumerism and things like that. But since I never found something like that (which would also help me pay my bills and have enough left over for food and perhaps a visit to the cinema/museum or something), I've been sending my resume to any place that would pay enough. I would of course love to have a very highly paid job, but what I actually need is just to pay my bills, be able to feed myself and perhaps one or two outings in a month.
The biggest hit I got was when one company rejected me. It was the biggest hit to me, because I was 100% sure that if I don't find anything new/different to try, then that company would surely hire me, because I have these exact qualifications/skills they need. Well... After sending my resume to them and waiting for a few days - I got a rejection. I was shocked. I was 100% sure I'll get it and I didn't except this at all.
After that I just sent my resumes to any place that I could find (that would pay enough) and just hope. Sadly all I received were rejections (if any answer would come back at all).
Yesterday (16.10.203) I finally got my first invite to an interview. And oddly enough, it's the same company that rejected me, the one whom I was so sure that they'd take me. A friend of mine said that he knew someone who had applied 6 times to that company before they accepted him, so I kept sending my resume to them every few weeks and seems it worked. Now I have to get through the interview and then somehow survive until my first payday.

Though summer might be gone (for now), I'm still trying to keep up the good mood and hope for a brighter day (in every sense possible). 

Short ones for the bank

• As of August 10th, 2023 I had survived living 4 years in my current apartment. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place, ever since I moved to Tallinn on the 22nd of March 2007.
• I finally started the puzzle again. About a year or so ago I bought a 2000 piece puzzle of the world map, assembled the edges of it and after that this project of mine kind of died. Now I'm trying again. For now I've assembled the edges back together and most of Europe and Africa. It's been sitting untouched for over a month by now, but I still fully intend to finish it this time. This time I'm not putting it together only on the floor, but have a cardboard and a slipping proof cloth. It's such a cool way to learn the world, I have to admit. I am finding so many places that I thought were located in a totally different place on the map/in the world.
• 08.09.2023 - Daytrip to Narva with Kacey
  
• As of the 17th of October, I've been nicotine free for 78 days.
• I don't really understand "prosecuting" someone solely based on what they had said or written several years ago. Everyone is capable of change. Just some never choose to so or maybe they just never have the opportunities to do so.
  I want to point out that I specifically mean said or done only, not by what they did in the past. It's much easier to change your mind than it is to change what you did in the past. And IMO if you did something, then there's always a chance you can do it again, so there's always this lingering fear, like a second shoe waiting to drop.
  
• I changed the faucet in the bathroom that was dripping and since it's my first time to do so and since I did it all on my own, it makes me feel so proud for some reason. Even though it was really simple, still I managed to psych myself out for days before completing the task in minutes and feeling like a real deal. xD

Manifesting 

Since September 2019 I've been buying lottery tickets every month. Every single month I'd buy tickets online for upcoming weekly draws. After so many years, the max amount I've won in one go is 58.40€. They say that if you dream of something and make it very clear, you can manifest it into existence. So here is me trying to be as clear as possible. Hopefully when I read this text years from now, it'll all have come true by then.
So here are the things I would do when I'd win the jackpot:

• Depending on the amount I would buy homes. Either one for myself only or one for myself, my mom and my brother or three apartments for myself (so that two of them could be occupied by friends whom are not from my country and I could offer them a place to live which is close to me and will have cheap rent) and then also one for mom and one for brother.
• I'd travel the world. Ideally I would love to visit all the countries in the world. I am very curious about different cultures, traditions, ways of living, etc.
• Perhaps go back to school. I'd love to learn something about the world of TV or cinema (not sure yet if behind the camera or in front of it). Everyone who knows me knows how much I love watching TV shows/movies. I love to watch actors playing their roles, different camera angles, the lighting, the composition, the music. In a way the movie/TV show makers are creating magic and I would love to be a part of that. I could imagine being on set of a comedy TV show and just laughing all day and having the time of my life while also putting food on the table.
• I'd also do a lot of charity. I love helping people and making them smile (regardless if they know it was me or not).
• I would fix my eye sight and get hair plugs (or whatever it is they do, because I don't like the fact that the top of my head is thinner than the sides).
  
• I would learn how to drive and perhaps get a car. In an ideal world I'd love to get a caravan and go travelling in that.
• I would improve my diet (meaning eat a lot more healthier) and try to get better at the gym with some professional help.

Sure there are a few more things I dream of, but those are my main ones for now. Let's see where I am in 5 or 10 years. 

A nice musical peace to end the day: Etne - RØRE [best to listen while driving (as a passenger) and looking out the window or just walking somewhere]

End of another era and MidSummer Eves 2023

Work
 
On the 15th of March I was having my normal meeting with the team to fill them in on some updates that had happened during the past week. After all said and done, one of the team members asked me if our project is shutting down. I hadn't heard anything, so I said no. To that she copied me an e-mail that was sent to everyone in the Tallinn/Tartu offices announcing the closure of my project...
Turned out it was all true. The client had decided to move their services away from my country, thus ending my project in this office. Since there was nothing else left for me to do in the company, I had to leave it. After over six years of working there (two at first, then my two year break in Australia and after coming back I worked another 4,5 years there by end) it was time to find my new path.
I loved working there (for the most part), but I am not lying when I say that I was happy it ended. It was time. Stress and the negative experiences were getting to me and I had been thinking about leaving for a while now. So this way it just happened own it's own. Just a shame how it happened...

Originally our last workday was supposed to be the 31st of May, but let's just say due to some "technical difficulties" we worked until around the afternoon on the Monday (29th of May) and got the next two days just as paid days off. On the 31st we met up in the office one last time with some co-workers and the project manager. We ordered pizza, chatted for about an hour or so, I sent out my last reports, set an out of office message and that was it. Said my good-byes to the people in the office from other projects and off I went. I was sad, because something had ended. But I was not sad that this had ended. I almost shed a tear at the receptionist table, but held back and was distracted by the chatter of others, so I went on with them and tried not to think about it. 

Next month of unemployment went by in a haze. Days just melted together and became pretty much the same.
Every day I'd wake up at 6:30 (yes, even after stopping work, I've maintained the early wake-ups), brush my teeth, have coffee, prepare and eat breakfast and shower. After that I'd go and do my steps in the city. Mostly after grabbing a Latte from Coffee-In in Viru Keskus and then heading towards the Old Town, generally following the same path. The guy who's busking on one of the viewing platforms must already remember my face by now.
After that I'd come home and watch my TV shows and/or play some games. Two/three times per week I'd have a WhatsApp call with a friend from Australia, during which we'd watch some episode of the Drag Race franchise together. 
In the afternoon I'd go to the gym with a friend or two. Then come home, watch the 9PM news, watch YouTube, play games or watch a TV shows and then around 10 or 11PM I'd already go to sleep, so I could wake up nice and early and do it all again the next day.

***

Midsummers

On the 22nd of June I hopped on a train and went back to the village where I'm from. Mother asked me to come back for a night because the village was hosting the annual midsummers party/festival and as far as people know for now it might be the last (because the original organizer is tired of doing it). As it might be the last, I promised mom I'd go (even though I didn't really want to).
Luckily reality was much better than I had feared. For such a small village (plus the surrounding ones) there were a lot of people present and sooo many people that I didn't know. New generation had really grown. I remember someone saying at some point that the children of he village (meaning "kids" from my era) have now also gotten children. Everything had changed a lot and it was nice to see. The big bullies that I was a little afraid of, none of them showed up. Saw quite a few familiar faces from the childhood, some of them I didn't even recognize at first. Didn't talk to most of them. Didn't even greet most them (as for the majority of them I [luckily] saw them from a distance).
Mom also took me on a small tour to see the area around the river and the factory where she used to work when I was a kid and where I spent many years of my childhood running around in. The new owners had been doing a really good job maintaining it as it was, but also at the same time making it their own.
The midsummer's event for itself was nice. It had been happening ever since I can remember and the format hasn't really changed much. There are always some sort of tents that are selling something. This time you could find meat and French fries and other street foods, there were two lottery tables where you could win stuff and there were tents where you could buy alcohol. Some games for the adults (like how many times you can lift a (I'm guessing 20kg) kettlebell or how fast you can nail a long nail into a block of wood or a tug of war etc). There's always a band playing throughout the evening. Usually there's only one, as I remember from my child hood, but this time there were two. And as per the tradition of my country - of course there was a huge (I'm guessing a 2 meter) bonfire. It looked fantastic when it was in full fire.
Around 11:30pm me and mom went back to her place (she wants me to keep calling it home, but after living away for 16 years, it doesn't feel like my home anymore. It's her place. We talked for a bit and went to sleep pretty fast. For both of us it was way past our normal bedtime.

The next day an acquaintance from the village drove me to the nearest city. Mom was already there, she had taken her electrical bicycle ahead of us. Me and mom had lunch and she walked me to the train station.
Back in my own home I had over two hours to chill and then it was time to head to the next midsummer's eve event. This time with two Brazilians and a Dane and the location was in our open-air museum. This one had many sellers with different food (mostly for meat lovers, which Estonians generally are). The bonfire was also really beautiful in this event. I think it might have been also the same length as the bonfire from my previous night, though a tad bit thinner. So it burned bright and beautiful, but not for very long sadly. The bonfire was lit by some people in some local national clothes/costumes from many years ago. I couldn't really make out what they were saying (nor was I really paying that much attention since I was distracted by the smell of delicious grilled meat (sašlõkk in my language). At some point later I asked someone: what's up with the people running around the bonfire. She told me that it has something to do with luck, that you're supposed to do it twice - three rounds moving forwards and three rounds moving backwards. It was a little funny and silly to run around the bonfire in front of all these strangers, but I did it. xD Now waiting for my luck to kick in, because I'm really starting to be needing it. :D
The Brazilians saw our national dances and said some of the melodies where very similar to something that they had heard from back home from childhood. One of them was even pulled into a circle when dancing one of them and it was great to see him have fun. Overall it was a beautiful evening, worth remembering for me.

***

Short ones for the bank

*30.01.2023 - went to the shrink again for the first time. Didn't work for me, he was too into himself and telling me boring stories about himself that had nothing to do with me and took too much time. Overall it was too expensive for me anyway, even though I got a discount (though I shouldn't have had, but that's a whole other story). Lasted three sessions, but couldn't afford it much and didn't see much in it, so never made any new appointments.
*10.06.2023 - I participated in my first ever Pride march. Not only did I get to witness my first Pride march, I also got to walk in it too. A friend said it's okay with her company's people that I walk along with them. It was pretty cool to see so many different and colorful people, but the walk itself felt like forever. We didn't actually walk a long distance, but it felt like it took forever, because there were so many stops along the way...
*I keep playing the lottery, but not winning. Someone send some luck my way or just pray for me.
*Last October I filled out a Visa application for the States. It was this lottery one, where they'd let any one who wants (and who also meets some specific conditions) to enter their application for free and then randomly select people who get to continue with their steps for getting the visa. Lottery entrance ended somewhere in the end of October (or beginning of November, can't really remember), but the draw itself was only announced in May this year. You had to save some long ass code from the time you submitted your application to be able to check in May if you were selected or not. I printed out three copies of this code (because you had to save it immediately, there was no saving it in their systems) and then hid those three copies in different places, ensuring I'd find at least one of them on the 6th of May, when they promised to upload the results.
Come May 6th: no results posted in the early morning (around 9ish)... Come many days later (because I forgot about it): I wasn't selected... :'(
*The struggle with quitting nicotine still continues. I keep getting a week or two or a little more and then failing and smoking again for a day or two and starting over again. Current status of being nicotine free: 2 weeks, 19 hours, 50 minutes.

Some good tunes for you: 
Lazy Boy - Facts Of Life

The New(Est) Era

On the 2nd of December (2018) my previous boss wrote to me. It was a little strange, because we didn't communicate that much out of work. He just wanted to know if I was back in Estonia and if I was looking for work (because he wanted me back to his team). I was back, but I wasn't interested in going back. First because I didn't want to move backwards and also because the previous Friday I had had a job interview in another company and was waiting to hear from them.

About a week later (11th) he wrote me again to ask if I got the job. I did. By that moment I was already on my second day at the new place. He didn't want to let go and offered a higher salary and said he'd still prefer me in his team as opposed to the people he had interviewed so far. To be honest, this was exactly what I needed, because I wasn't that happy in the new place. Sure it was all new and there was A LOT to learn, but I still felt that wasn't for me. So by the time evening had come around, I had already made up my mind and wrote to my previous boss that I accept his offer. It was a little funny though - I declared to him that I accept and he said that I'd still need to do a round of interviews (still an official place, so have to follow official channels and stuff).

On Tuesday (13th) I snuck off during lunch to go do the interview. Our own local HR was on maternity leave, so I was being interviewed by the HR in our Spanish office. She didn't have many questions to me, because I knew the answers to everything she asked me [(hypothetical questions like what I would do in different situations etc) because I had already done that job before for two years]. After the short interview, I went back to my new job.

The same evening came the positive answer. So the next morning I went to the new office to finish up my contract and by noon I was back at my old place, reviewing everything I had learned before I left and all the new details that had come while I was away.

Since I'm writing this in January 2023, I can't really remember what Christmas was in 2018. But I do remember spending the New Years Eve in Tallinn with friends. Lots of alcohol and the evening ended in an adult venue. I remember going home to the village with an early train on the 1st of January hungover like hell. I tried to sleep, but at some point mother came home and she was also not feeling well (meaning she hadn't stopped drinking since whenever she started). Leaving out the unpleasantness, let's just say it was not a nice day.

Luckily an old friend offered me a place to say and on the 10th of January I was on the late train with my suitcase and stuff. His place was not big - just a one room apartment - in one corner there was a shower section (which was basically a meter by two meter box in the room), then a kitchen area in front of that "box", then his TV and bed/couch and my sleeping area would be then at the top part of the "box". Not much, but I was happy to be out from home again and happy to be back in the city, back in civilization in a way.

Time slowly went on and life kind of went back to the same place it was before - work, home, steps, home, sleep, work, home, steps and so on. Add TV shows and some hanging out with friends and it was like it was before.

In June 2019 there was another big change coming. One big project was coming to our company and they needed people. Since they didn't have that many people to choose from (I guess) the recruitment team turned to me and offered me a position there. Since the salary was a little higher, I was tempted. Also another selling point to me was that I wouldn't be handling hundreds of different things at the same time and would focus on one thing only (ish). The offer was for two positions - something called a Super-User and an RTA. Super-User would be the person who'd help advisers with whatever difficult cases they'd have and then RTA was that I'd be checking the phonelines and making sure there are no queues or whatnot. After short consideration I accepted it.

Since it was a huge client who was going to have call-centers in different countries, then in order to train all new staff in one go they flew me and my co-worker to Amsterdam on the 16th of June (Sunday). On the following Monday we'd start our two-week training. I must say it was a really fun time to learn about the project and to meet so many different people - there were people from South Africa, Athens, Pristina, UK, the Netherlands and maybe some other places I am forgetting. 

Rabat! I'm forgetting Rabat, Morocco. There's a "funny" thing with that also... Since in Tallinn the project was supposed to launch in August and earlier in other places, then me and my co-worker were originally supposed to fly to Athens after the training to help the local trainers with the on-boarding. But apparently the trainers from Rabat were not able to make it due to some issues with the visa. But on the last minute they did make it and attended the training in Amsterdam, but no one told our local bosses in Tallinn about that. So still on the 28th of June me and my co-worker sat on a plane and flew to Rabat.

Here I must say that though it was an interesting place and I met some cool people, I also had never been so bored in my life than I was there. Since the trainers still attended the training in Amsterdam, then they were the ones who also conducted the training in Rabat. But the thing is that they did it all in French and I, nor my co-worker, understand that language. So most of the three weeks during day time we spent sitting at the back of the training class, just doing our own things - either playing some games on our phones/laptops or watching some TV shows or whatever. Occasionally helping out with the training when the trainers ran into some question they didn't know how to answer, so we checked it with the Amsterdam team. Most days after work we'd head back to the hotel and remain there. Mostly because even though it wasn't the most dangerous place, there was still some danger, so it was safer to stay inside. Also being that it wasn't a touristy city, more of a city for lots of offices, there wasn't that much to see anyway (other than the beautiful Old Town and a few other historical places). I was also especially afraid, because being gay is illegal in Morocco, so I didn't want to take any risks that my wrist would accidentally loosen a little and give out any signs for the local thugs or something.

During the weekends we'd hang out a little with one of the team leaders from the office. One day I remember he took us to some racing event - we'd watch how some cars raced on some parking lot one by one. Another time he drove us to Casablanca, because he really wanted us to see the biggest mall over there. He was a sweet guy for doing that and showing us around.

My co-worker flew back a week earlier, because he had some wedding to attend to or whatever. I got to stay back and see how the project was launched and the first week of actual work of the newbies.

On the very last evening me and three locals went out to eat. I had made some friends and I wanted them to show me some local food places. They took me to some very small street food place and I got to taste some delicious meat things. Can't name any of them, but I will never forget the way they looked like (not bad, just the events on the following day kept them in my mind). Basically they next day I woke up with a headache. My flight back was supposed to leave in the afternoon. The whole day my stomach was upset, my head was spinning and overall I didn't feel good. At that point I was the only one out of the four of us who was not feeling good. After half a day between laying on the floor in the corner of the office and running to and from the bathroom, I said my good-byes and a taxi took me to the airport in Rabat. Most of the time I was sitting down, because standing up was not that good. Flight to Germany was a nightmare, though luckily I was able to stay seated the whole time. Original plan was that I was going to binge through the last season of "Orange Is The New Black", as it had just been released the day before and I downloaded all episodes on my Netflix account. That's why I had declined an offer from my company to get a hotel from, because the connecting flight from Germany to Tallinn only left early next morning. Well, sufficed to say I did not feel like watching any shows. All I wanted to do was just die there on the spot. So most of the night I spent on some bench in the airport, trying to get some sleep and praying none of my stuff gets stolen while I'm out of it. Somewhere around three or four in the morning they opened up the security checks. I still remember barely being able to stand while in that long queue.

When I got home, I spent a week in bed. Half of the time with one end on the toilet seat. Luckily the project over here launched a little later and they were still setting up the office for it, so I didn't have to be here and I could feel like shit in peace.

Later I heard the food-poisoning also caught up with the other three, just not as hard as it did me. 

While on the trip in Rabat, my co-worker had changed his mind. Originally he was supposed to be the trainer and the team leader, but he wanted to swap the trainer part with me. At first I was a little scared, but then in the end I accepted it.

The first group of local trainees in Tallinn was my biggest - 17 people of all ages (adults of course). I was very nervous for the first few days (first because I don't really enjoy being in the center of attention and then also because I didn't even know fully the material yet or completely understand it yet). But somehow we got through it together and made it fun. Though we, in Amsterdam, were trained for two weeks, the training with the advisers was planned for three weeks. Once the three weeks was over, they were ready for the actual work. The phonelines opened up on the 9th of September. Sadly/luckily I wasn't able to see how that went, because on the same day I started with my second group of new hires.

In the beginning the work was rough - I'd do my training and then after the training session I'd have a long list of advisers who had written to me throughout the day because they had some issue they couldn't solve or didn't know how solve or just needed me to say "yes, what you did here was correct". So in the start I'd do lots of overtime (which I could take out as equal time off, instead of getting it paid out). I sort of got used to that, but as the training sessions got less frequent and people got used to their jobs and finding answers themselves, my life got a little easier too.

In august 2019 I finally got my own place. I got extremely lucky to find a cheap(ish) place that was only a 10 minute walk away from the office and I basically signed the contract on the spot. The apartment was small and needed a little repairing, but it was enough for me. I didn't need anything fancy, just enough room for me, close to work and close to stores (so I wouldn't have to haul food from far away).

Somehow life went pretty quiet after that. I settled in with work pretty nicely, but it mostly became all about that. Friends sort of went into the background because the stress of work took over and I was pretty much drained after work and didn't want to see people - all I wanted was to go home, relax in silence, turn my brain off with some TV shows or games and just sleep.

2020 was a quiet year. When for most of the world things went to shit, for me nothing much changed. Since I had already been living this sort of hermit lifestyle - work, home, work, then it just stayed the same for me. When the pandemic hit, then in my country there was no mandatory lockdown. The government recommended people to stay home and most people did that. The office basically ran empty and it was quite nice and quiet to go there. Since I'm sort of a mini-boss over there, then I had my own little cubicle and when going to the office I only had to walk for a short time, never using any public transport or walking through some crowded streets where I could catch something.

So the year just basically flew by.
Sadly communication with friends also kind of died out. There was this little group in Viber that we were all in - me and my three best friends whom I had been hanging out for almost 10 years now. In the end of 2020 there was some drama, so one of them left. After some comments I also decided to leave and basically ended all communication with all three by the time 2021 had rolled around. The New Years Eve of 2020 was the first time in my life that I had been completely alone. It was super sad to watch the fireworks alone from my balcony, sober and on my own. Luckily after that I had a joint which made me feel better and then I played some "Breath of The Wild" until around 3AM and then went to sleep.

2021 was a year of change for me. First - no friends. Though I missed the heck out of them, I also felt this immense relief, like a huge pressure had been lifted and I could breathe again. Not directly connected to that, but I made a change in different areas of my life - first I started waking up at a consistent time. Before that I had always woken up whatever time the alarm was set to, plus quite often hitting the snooze button once or twice or three times. Now that changed - same time, every day (even on days off). I started watching more what I eat, trying to make more healthy choices. I reduced smoking cigarettes, though even today that is still quite a struggle to quit fully. I made two attempts in joining and staying in the gym. Both times I managed to be consistent for a few months until something came up and the consistency was broken and I quit (as I usually to).

The best and most amazing thing that happened in 2021 was that I had finally paid up all my loans and depts. For the first time in my whole adult life I didn't owe any company anything. I was 32 years old and that was the first time I felt this kind of liberty and I must say - it felt amazing! :D

One moment I turned around and BAM - it's three years since I started working in the new project (with the intention of doing that only for a year), I've lived three years in the same apartment and for three years I've been doing the same thing over and over again and nothing has changed. I remember when I came back from Australia, I asked my friends what had changed and they said nothing and I was shocked on how so much time (=two years) had passed and nothing could change and now I'm in the exact same place.

I don't know what's ahead, but one thing I'll try to do more - write. :) Michelle Wolf said in her stand-up "Joke Show": "Blogs are conversations no one wanted to have with you." And as true as that MIGHT be, I find it therapeutic and I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this so that when I'm 90, I get to read back and remember all the stupid things I had done and forgotten.

Until next time! :)

Here's a song for you. According to Spotify statistics, this is the song I've been listening to most in 2022 and in 2021: Dido - Just Because