Every day is like a blank page. You can wake up in the morning feeling like: "Oh shit, another day has begun!", but at the end of the day you feel better. And what sometimes makes it funnier... Nothing big happened during that day, you just feel better. Better, because you did the things you loved and just was yourself throughout the day.
6.01 – Tanel & Taki were sick during that day, which automatically means that there ain't going to be any party. When Taki is sick, then yes, there is hope, but when they're both down... Nothing! But it was okay! On that particular day I was sooo not in a party mood, I just wanted to stay home and that's exactly what I did.
8.01 – As far as I knew, it was supposed to be our every-Sunday-evening movie night. But since I was still scared of what the hell I might have said to Mr L, then I didn't want to go. I was scared that I might have said some things that I shouldn't have and embarrassed me and him. Lord knows, I'm not the quietest drunk. :D So that's why I went to the office, to do some work.
At one point my co-worker Inna came there, we did some things together, had coffee and later we went out to walk in the Old Town. It was a lovely winter evening, with good company.
After that I came home and found out, that for some reason there was no movie night. Turned out that the only person, who went, was Laura. No one else went... I don't know why, I never asked.
12.01 – In the morning I sat on a bus and drove to Tapa, to see my General Practitioner for some tests, that I needed the next day. After that I drove home to my mother's place. It was completely empty, so I just sat around, watching TV. She had written me a letter, saying that there is food in the freezer and that I should light a fire in the kitchen and the living room (a
stove or oven or whatever they are called). I hadn't done that in years, so I was quite pleased with myself when I succeeded on my first try.
Later brother and mom came home, we chatted for a while, watched TV and went to sleep quite early, because mom has to get up at 4:30AM on every other week and that was the week.
13.01 – I have never been a superstitious person, but boooy did I HATE that particular Friday. I had to wake up at SIX AM, so I could take a quick shower, stuff food in my face and run out the door to walk about a km, while carrying a backpack and a bag that my mother had stuffed with all sorts of foods (like she usually does), which weighed about 5kg (for me – a person, who
does NO physical exercises, that was HELL). And when I had almost reached the bus station, I saw the bus coming from far away, so I ran like hell to the bus stop and luckily got on it. I was sooo out of breath, you have no idea.
About 45 minutes later I arrived in Rakvere. I dropped my bags off at my Godmothers workplace and headed out to find my destination with my GPS system that I used for the very first time.
It got me close to my destination, but not quite close, so I was quite lost for a moment, but eventually I found it.
The place where I had to go, was The Army's Medical committee. That's why I needed a medical certificate from my own doctor. So I got there on time, about 5 minutes before 8:30 and there were already about 20 boys waiting and more kept on coming.
After about 20 minutes of waiting a woman came out and explained to us, what we had to do. The newcomers had to go to the hospital, to take some tests and then come back to that place to see three more doctors. We got some papers and off we went.
First place I went, was audiometry, where they checked my hearing. As the nice lady said, everything was exactly as it should be.
The second place was blood analysis. I HATE when people poke me with needles, that's why I always look away. I know it doesn't hurt (much), I just can't look at it. I do that even when I go and donate blood - look away, while the woman inserts the huge ass needle in my arm.
After that there was EKG and the X-ray.
And the last thing I had to do was to pee in a cup. Gosh, what was soo weird, I had never done that before and I hope I never have to! :D
I got back to the first place around noon and then started the waiting. There were about 20 guys in front of me.
After about an hour waiting, I got to see the first doctor in that building - the surgeon. She was a nice woman. I took my top off and she examined my back and spine and recommended me to see a dermatologist for my back acne. She said, it doesn't look that bad, but if I wait for it to pass, it's gonna leave scars. Otherwise was good.
The second doctor I saw after about a half an hour of waiting - the local General Practitioner. She didn't do much, just asked a few questions and I was out.
The last one - psychiatrist, took more time than the others. Firstly - that was not the psychiatrist, that was supposed to be there on that day. The original one had some sort of an accident on that same day, so the organizers just found the closest one and she was it. But before they could find her, everyone had to wait for a couple of hours. The psychiatrist should've arrived at 10AM, but arrived around noon.
So... A couple of hours waiting and I got in. I have no idea, what happened, but I panicked as soon as I got in. I realized - THIS is my LAST chance to get out of here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me physically, so this is IT. My palms started sweating and when she asked me questions, like where I'm from and why did I move away from home and stuff like that, I
stuttered. Not intentionally, I was just a little panicking. And then she asked me THE question: Are you ready for army? "No!" I said, not even taking a moment to think about it. "Why not?" she asked. She saw that there was something, that I wasn't comfortable sharing, so I took my time and gave her my sob story: "I have finally gotten the life I wanted. I have chosen
friends around me, who make me feel safe and free. Throughout almost all my childhood I was teased, for being different (never for being gay, just different, but I didn't tell her that) and I'm finally satisfied (not happy) with my life and I don't want to go back. The thing is, that I'm gay!" I had to say no more, her look said it all. She was an understanding woman. No judgment or anything. She took one book and started to look for reasons to let me off the hook. At first she wanted to give me an extension for a year, so I could come to her one more time and tell the same story, with one more doctor with her, so they could evaluate my state and then give their final word, but she was a compassionate woman. "I, as a person and as a psychiatrist with a 20 year experience, understand you, but those other people, who are in the other room, might not!" she said. But after a long 5 minute torment of looking through the book, she finally found something with FF and some numbers, which she wrote down and I was done with her.
I had to get the papers back to the General Practitioner, because she was the head of them all. She signed the papers and then I had to take the papers to the room, where was the woman, who in the morning gave the instructions. She made the final decision, which took about two more hours of waiting. All so I could just go in, find out, that I'm never going to get any invitations to army and I'm free to go after I sign here, here and here! :D
You have no idea, what relief I felt!!!
And it was quite funny... Friends, who knew about me going there asked me, how I'm gonna get off and I said, that I'm gonna count on the compassion of the psychiatrist, because there is nothing else I can do, but to be honest. And that worked! :) See! Sometimes (not always) honesty IS the best policy! :)
When it all ended, my mother's workday had also ended, so she came to greet me with warm food, she had bought at her work.
First, I gave her a gigantic hug and then I said: "What kind of a mother are you?" :D "You don't leave a nice letter to your son in the morning, with "You're going to the army, accept it!" written on the corner of it on the day that is going to be HELL for your son!" "Yeah, but it's better to accept it and then find out, that you won't go!" "Nakaa! Not with me!" I laughed. :)
We went to my Godmothers place to eat and chat until it was time to go on the bus. Mom escorted me, hugged me with tears in her eyes (as is normal for her) and I sat in that bus feeling happier than ever.
In the evening Lii came over and the others and we had a very good evening with lots of laughter, booze and good company. Lii decided, that she's too tipsy to come out and I decided I'm too happy to stay home, so I put her to bed and went out dancing.
There I met RK, with whom I danced a lot. Later we wanted to go to G-Point, but they had some special evening there and wanted 5€ for entry and we decided, that for G, that was too much, so the others went home and I went to escort RK home. We had a very nice walk and we talked like we used to, a long time ago, when he used to come to my place every Saturday to watch gay themed movies (because I was the only person, he could do that with). I sent him to his door and came home by bus and went to sleep.
Oh, that was a fun day! :D
14.01 - Was the day, my friend Hando came back to live in Estonia.
Thanks to Lii I had to wake up at noon. We chatted a bit and after a little while, she left. I stayed up, watched my TV shows and around 5 PM I fell asleep.When I woke up three hours later, everyone was already at our place, chatting in the living room. Moments later, vodka was on
the table and the party could begin.
From my company, I was the only one who went out. I met Sven and we went to dance in X-Bar. I saw Mr L's friend there, so I started talking with him. The guy had recently moved to Tallinn, from Tartu. Half of the night I talked with him and the other half I danced and drank with Sven. :D
After that came G-Punkt with lots of dancing and then I came home.
16.01 - After work I came home, ate and watched my TV shows. At one point I decided to treat myself with going to the movies. I went to see "The darkest hour" all by myself. The movie was OK. I LOVED that when they spoke Russian, I could actually understand it and my heart jumped every time they did that, because usually in American movies, they TRY to speak it, but most of the time fail miserably. I remember "Alias" wanted their actors to speak Russian at some scenes and I just cried inside, because it was so ugly! :D
Luckily I caught the last bus, so I didn't have to walk home.
19.01 - I decided to rearrange my room. That was the most cleaning I had done in ages. Four hours of hard labour and voila - everything was different and there is now more room, than ever .
20.01 - One friend from Saint Peterburg was supposed to come and spend the weekend at my place. He likes Tallinn and he wanted to spend the weekend here and I was like yea, sure, you can sleep at my place. And so he came. With a friend, who supposedly invited himself along on the last minute. They were supposed to arrive around 7PM, but they missed the last bus in Narva, so at first they just wondered around, trying to figure out, how to get here and finally they took a cab for 100€ and arrived here around 11PM.
My usual group was already here and the every-Friday-gathering was in full motion. At one point I got the courage to talk to Laura. She was alone in the kitchen, so I just attacked her! :D I went there and I asked, what kind of impression I left on the day, that I walked her home, a negative one? She was like: "No, I wouldn't say negative, I'd say selfish!" (because most of the
talking I did, was "me", "me", "me".) And you know what I felt, when she said that? RELEAVED! I smiled and I left the kitchen feeling quite pleased with myself! :D Yes, I'm selfish, but I don't think I'm enough selfish, I still care too much about what others think of me. But that's slowly changing. ;) Not like BANG and I'm different, but just slowly - one day at a time! :)After the travelers got here, they unpacked and we went out. My friend is 25 and quite... Big! :D And he brought along a slim 18 year old co-worker (who originally is from Slovenia). He was quite cute, but WAY too skinny and young for my taste.
When we got out, the Dealer was there too (I had invited him to my place, because I wanted some other Russian speaking person to be here too, when they arrived, but he said, that he already had other plans, so we met outside).
And instantly the Dealer and the 18 year old boy hit it off, leaving me with my friend.
And boy what a horror that was! He got SO drunk! I had to babysit him throughout the whole evening! I did have my share of fun (with others). Lots of dancing in X-Bar and later in G-Punkt one total stranger just bough me a drink, just for no reason at all. I was quite shocked, because no one has ever done that. There's always a reason, but he didn't have one. So to thank him,
I dragged his ass to the dance floor and gave him a couple of dances. Later we chatted a bit in the smoking room, but he quickly found himself other chatting partners, so our talk was brief.
The Dealer and the young guy went to sauna, so after a while my friend wanted to go after them. So we did.
I didn't actually want to go, I just wanted to go home, because babysitting that, was horror. We were in sauna about an hour, before the others decided to go get a hotel and my friend wanted to eat. So the others left me with him and we went to a pizzeria. At one point I took his phone and called the Dealer with an SOS message: "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Tomorrow you better
be with us!!!".
After that we finished our pizzas and came to my place and found that the others were already here. Turns out, they misunderstood my call and thought we were already home, so they came straight over, waking up my roommates, to get in. I gave them my bed and slept on the floor with my friend. We got home about 8AM.
21.01 - I woke up around 11AM and went to the kitchen, because the Dealer and the young guy were... They weren't noisy or anything, just my hungry and trained ears can pick up any small noise, so I just left to give them their privacy. The young guy had never been to Estonia before, so I was happy that his first time was so... Joyous! :D
When Taki woke up, he was QUITE mad at he. Telling me that this isn't a hotel and what happened in the morning shouldn't happen AT ALL. I said: "I'm sorry" quite many times, until I just left the room he was in. It's not my fault! It was all a misunderstanding! I said I'm sorry, what else could he want?
The others decided they want to eat, so we went to the city. They ate in Lido, that's in Solaris center. I just sat there and tried not to die, because I had no money to buy food and I was certainly not gonna tell them that. After they had eaten, we decided to take a walk in the Old Town. The Dealer and the young guy HELD HANDS almost all the time. Geesh, I didn't know where to hide my eyes. That made me soooo uncomfortable, because in Estonia no one does that (I mean gay guys). At night you could get beaten for that, but during the day (and in the Old Town) it's kinda okay, but I was sooo uncomfortable. My friend wanted to do the same for me, but I was like: "Hell no! I'm not that kind of a person!" We showed them some sights and the Dealer told them a lot about our history. I don't really care much about history, therefore I don't
remember it, but it was quite interesting to listen to him. :)
After that we went to some other pizzeria, to have a warm drink and just to relax. It was already about 5PM and I was hungry as hell. They decided to go to the movies, so I told them I'm gonna come home, which I did.
I got home, ate like a pig and just LOVED the quiet (and my TV shows).
Only my friend came around 9PM, because the Dealer took the young guy to his place to have a final romantic evening together.
Hando was here too. We chatted, he was trying to find someone interesting from Gayromeo and around 11PM he was gone... I was alone with my friend.
I told him, that he had been QUITE tipsy the other night and I wasn't that happy and that I didn't have any money to go out with him on that day. He said don't worry, I'm not usually that drunk and I'm gonna prove it to you today by buying you drinks and being good.
And that he was. The evening turned out to be okay. Nothing big. Just a little dancing in X-Bar (which is usually quite empty on Saturdays) and G-Point.
Highlight of the evening was when one straight guy got jealous over me asking her girl to dance. I saw them dancing and the girl had some rockin' moves and at one point I went over and asked her if I could have a dance with her. She was okay with that, but the guy got so pissed and went away. The girl was like: "It's okay, I know in what kind of a place I am and I've known him for two days!" :D
After dancing my friend wanted to go to sauna, because he didn't remember much about the previous evening and he wanted to remember this one. So we went and stayed there about 1,5 hours and then came home to sleep. I let my friend sleep on the bed this time and I slept on the floor.
22.01 - We woke up around noon and the younger guy came here too. The Dealer didn't come in, he just dropped the guy off and left. The young guys eyes were sooo red from crying. "I
hate saying good-bye!" he said. Kinda sweet, doncha think? :)
TheY packed for an hour and then called a cab and left. I gave them both a hug and waved. When I closed the door, I was like "THANK GOD, IT'S OVER!!!" I turned on my TV, dropped myself in my bed and that's how I spent the rest of the evening. At one point I asked Taki, is there no movie night and he said, that there will be no more movie nights, that they had all decided, that the movie nights time had come to an end. Kinda sad... Not much, just a little! :D
I'm sad, that I won't get to show them my movies anymore, I still have my lists of movies, that I wanted to show, but hey...
Everything has an end. One day, when I find a boyfriend, I'll make him watch my movies! xD
23.01 - Begun the Year of the Dragon - aka MY YEAR!!! WIIIII! :D
24.01 - One of the new things, that I brought to the New Year (since the middle of December) is that I do a lot of walking. About two to four times a week. When I have the evening shift, then I walk to work and when I have the morning shift, then I walk home. It's about a 45 minute walk, which is perfect, because every time I get to listen to one episode of "Desperate
Housewives". I started with season 6 and now I'm on season 7 (after what I'm gonna start from season 1 until the very end). The schools psychologist said, that I need to find something that would relieve the stress. She said that if I would be a middle aged man, she would recommend seeing a doctor, because I have a high risk of heart failure, but since I'm so young I should find something. Training or gym as she said. Hell no! Have you seen the prices they want for a month of gym? No, no!
But now I think I found my "thing". It's perfect, because I LOVE walking and I LOVE the housewives. I love watching them and I love hearing them. There is something about their voices, that soothes me (especially Mary-Alice's).
Even though it had been a LOOONG day at work and again I was in my "dead" zone (the zone, where I feel absolutely nothing - no anger, pain, joy... Nothing!) and for absolutely no reason at all. But when I got home, I was feeling good again (tired as hell, but still good). My mood was better.
But that's not the only change I'm gonna make this year. There is a lot on the way, I just don't want to rush anything. One change at a time and in time, I think I'm gonna be happy again. :)
At least here's hoping .! :)
And now a song about my God i.e. my (future) husband:
Susan Boyle - You Have To Be There
