I'm Not Moving On, I'm Moving Forward

In the Army and the guests from Russia

Every day is like a blank page. You can wake up in the morning feeling like: "Oh shit, another day has begun!", but at the end of the day you feel better. And what sometimes makes it funnier... Nothing big happened during that day, you just feel better. Better, because you did the things you loved and just was yourself throughout the day.

6.01 – Tanel & Taki were sick during that day, which automatically means that there ain't going to be any party. When Taki is sick, then yes, there is hope, but when they're both down... Nothing! But it was okay! On that particular day I was sooo not in a party mood, I just wanted to stay home and that's exactly what I did.

8.01 – As far as I knew, it was supposed to be our every-Sunday-evening movie night. But since I was still scared of what the hell I might have said to Mr L, then I didn't want to go. I was scared that I might have said some things that I shouldn't have and embarrassed me and him. Lord knows, I'm not the quietest drunk. :D So that's why I went to the office, to do some work.
At one point my co-worker Inna came there, we did some things together, had coffee and later we went out to walk in the Old Town. It was a lovely winter evening, with good company.
After that I came home and found out, that for some reason there was no movie night. Turned out that the only person, who went, was Laura. No one else went... I don't know why, I never asked.

12.01 – In the morning I sat on a bus and drove to Tapa, to see my General Practitioner for some tests, that I needed the next day. After that I drove home to my mother's place. It was completely empty, so I just sat around, watching TV. She had written me a letter, saying that there is food in the freezer and that I should light a fire in the kitchen and the living room (a
stove or oven or whatever they are called). I hadn't done that in years, so I was quite pleased with myself when I succeeded on my first try.
Later brother and mom came home, we chatted for a while, watched TV and went to sleep quite early, because mom has to get up at 4:30AM on every other week and that was the week.

13.01 – I have never been a superstitious person, but boooy did I HATE that particular Friday. I had to wake up at SIX AM, so I could take a quick shower, stuff food in my face and run out the door to walk about a km, while carrying a backpack and a bag that my mother had stuffed with all sorts of foods (like she usually does), which weighed about 5kg (for me – a person, who
does NO physical exercises, that was HELL). And when I had almost reached the bus station, I saw the bus coming from far away, so I ran like hell to the bus stop and luckily got on it. I was sooo out of breath, you have no idea.
About 45 minutes later I arrived in Rakvere. I dropped my bags off at my Godmothers workplace and headed out to find my destination with my GPS system that I used for the very first time.
It got me close to my destination, but not quite close, so I was quite lost for a moment, but eventually I found it.
The place where I had to go, was The Army's Medical committee. That's why I needed a medical certificate from my own doctor. So I got there on time, about 5 minutes before 8:30 and there were already about 20 boys waiting and more kept on coming.
After about 20 minutes of waiting a woman came out and explained to us, what we had to do. The newcomers had to go to the hospital, to take some tests and then come back to that place to see three more doctors. We got some papers and off we went.
First place I went, was audiometry, where they checked my hearing. As the nice lady said, everything was exactly as it should be.
The second place was blood analysis. I HATE when people poke me with needles, that's why I always look away. I know it doesn't hurt (much), I just can't look at it. I do that even when I go and donate blood - look away, while the woman inserts the huge ass needle in my arm.
After that there was EKG and the X-ray.
And the last thing I had to do was to pee in a cup. Gosh, what was soo weird, I had never done that before and I hope I never have to! :D
I got back to the first place around noon and then started the waiting. There were about 20 guys in front of me.
After about an hour waiting, I got to see the first doctor in that building - the surgeon. She was a nice woman. I took my top off and she examined my back and spine and recommended me to see a dermatologist for my back acne. She said, it doesn't look that bad, but if I wait for it to pass, it's gonna leave scars. Otherwise was good.
The second doctor I saw after about a half an hour of waiting - the local General Practitioner. She didn't do much, just asked a few questions and I was out.
The last one - psychiatrist, took more time than the others. Firstly - that was not the psychiatrist, that was supposed to be there on that day. The original one had some sort of an accident on that same day, so the organizers just found the closest one and she was it. But before they could find her, everyone had to wait for a couple of hours. The psychiatrist should've arrived at 10AM, but arrived around noon.
So... A couple of hours waiting and I got in. I have no idea, what happened, but I panicked as soon as I got in. I realized - THIS is my LAST chance to get out of here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me physically, so this is IT. My palms started sweating and when she asked me questions, like where I'm from and why did I move away from home and stuff like that, I
stuttered. Not intentionally, I was just a little panicking. And then she asked me THE question: Are you ready for army? "No!" I said, not even taking a moment to think about it. "Why not?" she asked. She saw that there was something, that I wasn't comfortable sharing, so I took my time and gave her my sob story: "I have finally gotten the life I wanted. I have chosen
friends around me, who make me feel safe and free. Throughout almost all my childhood I was teased, for being different (never for being gay, just different, but I didn't tell her that) and I'm finally satisfied (not happy) with my life and I don't want to go back. The thing is, that I'm gay!" I had to say no more, her look said it all. She was an understanding woman. No judgment or anything. She took one book and started to look for reasons to let me off the hook. At first she wanted to give me an extension for a year, so I could come to her one more time and tell the same story, with one more doctor with her, so they could evaluate my state and then give their final word, but she was a compassionate woman. "I, as a person and as a psychiatrist with a 20 year experience, understand you, but those other people, who are in the other room, might not!" she said. But after a long 5 minute torment of looking through the book, she finally found something with FF and some numbers, which she wrote down and I was done with her.
I had to get the papers back to the General Practitioner, because she was the head of them all. She signed the papers and then I had to take the papers to the room, where was the woman, who in the morning gave the instructions. She made the final decision, which took about two more hours of waiting. All so I could just go in, find out, that I'm never going to get any invitations to army and I'm free to go after I sign here, here and here! :D
You have no idea, what relief I felt!!!
And it was quite funny... Friends, who knew about me going there asked me, how I'm gonna get off and I said, that I'm gonna count on the compassion of the psychiatrist, because there is nothing else I can do, but to be honest. And that worked! :) See! Sometimes (not always) honesty IS the best policy! :)
When it all ended, my mother's workday had also ended, so she came to greet me with warm food, she had bought at her work.
First, I gave her a gigantic hug and then I said: "What kind of a mother are you?" :D "You don't leave a nice letter to your son in the morning, with "You're going to the army, accept it!" written on the corner of it on the day that is going to be HELL for your son!" "Yeah, but it's better to accept it and then find out, that you won't go!" "Nakaa! Not with me!" I laughed. :)
We went to my Godmothers place to eat and chat until it was time to go on the bus. Mom escorted me, hugged me with tears in her eyes (as is normal for her) and I sat in that bus feeling happier than ever.
In the evening Lii came over and the others and we had a very good evening with lots of laughter, booze and good company. Lii decided, that she's too tipsy to come out and I decided I'm too happy to stay home, so I put her to bed and went out dancing.
There I met RK, with whom I danced a lot. Later we wanted to go to G-Point, but they had some special evening there and wanted 5€ for entry and we decided, that for G, that was too much, so the others went home and I went to escort RK home. We had a very nice walk and we talked like we used to, a long time ago, when he used to come to my place every Saturday to watch gay themed movies (because I was the only person, he could do that with). I sent him to his door and came home by bus and went to sleep.
Oh, that was a fun day! :D

14.01 - Was the day, my friend Hando came back to live in Estonia.
Thanks to Lii I had to wake up at noon. We chatted a bit and after a little while, she left. I stayed up, watched my TV shows and around 5 PM I fell asleep.When I woke up three hours later, everyone was already at our place, chatting in the living room. Moments later, vodka was on
the table and the party could begin.
From my company, I was the only one who went out. I met Sven and we went to dance in X-Bar. I saw Mr L's friend there, so I started talking with him. The guy had recently moved to Tallinn, from Tartu. Half of the night I talked with him and the other half I danced and drank with Sven. :D
After that came G-Punkt with lots of dancing and then I came home.

16.01 - After work I came home, ate and watched my TV shows. At one point I decided to treat myself with going to the movies. I went to see "The darkest hour" all by myself. The movie was OK. I LOVED that when they spoke Russian, I could actually understand it and my heart jumped every time they did that, because usually in American movies, they TRY to speak it, but most of the time fail miserably. I remember "Alias" wanted their actors to speak Russian at some scenes and I just cried inside, because it was so ugly! :D
Luckily I caught the last bus, so I didn't have to walk home.

19.01 - I decided to rearrange my room. That was the most cleaning I had done in ages. Four hours of hard labour and voila - everything was different and there is now more room, than ever .

20.01 - One friend from Saint Peterburg was supposed to come and spend the weekend at my place. He likes Tallinn and he wanted to spend the weekend here and I was like yea, sure, you can sleep at my place. And so he came. With a friend, who supposedly invited himself along on the last minute. They were supposed to arrive around 7PM, but they missed the last bus in Narva, so at first they just wondered around, trying to figure out, how to get here and finally they took a cab for 100€ and arrived here around 11PM.
My usual group was already here and the every-Friday-gathering was in full motion. At one point I got the courage to talk to Laura. She was alone in the kitchen, so I just attacked her! :D I went there and I asked, what kind of impression I left on the day, that I walked her home, a negative one? She was like: "No, I wouldn't say negative, I'd say selfish!" (because most of the
talking I did, was "me", "me", "me".) And you know what I felt, when she said that? RELEAVED! I smiled and I left the kitchen feeling quite pleased with myself! :D Yes, I'm selfish, but I don't think I'm enough selfish, I still care too much about what others think of me. But that's slowly changing. ;) Not like BANG and I'm different, but just slowly - one day at a time! :)After the travelers got here, they unpacked and we went out. My friend is 25 and quite... Big! :D And he brought along a slim 18 year old co-worker (who originally is from Slovenia). He was quite cute, but WAY too skinny and young for my taste.
When we got out, the Dealer was there too (I had invited him to my place, because I wanted some other Russian speaking person to be here too, when they arrived, but he said, that he already had other plans, so we met outside).
And instantly the Dealer and the 18 year old boy hit it off, leaving me with my friend.
And boy what a horror that was! He got SO drunk! I had to babysit him throughout the whole evening! I did have my share of fun (with others). Lots of dancing in X-Bar and later in G-Punkt one total stranger just bough me a drink, just for no reason at all. I was quite shocked, because no one has ever done that. There's always a reason, but he didn't have one. So to thank him,
I dragged his ass to the dance floor and gave him a couple of dances. Later we chatted a bit in the smoking room, but he quickly found himself other chatting partners, so our talk was brief.
The Dealer and the young guy went to sauna, so after a while my friend wanted to go after them. So we did.
I didn't actually want to go, I just wanted to go home, because babysitting that, was horror. We were in sauna about an hour, before the others decided to go get a hotel and my friend wanted to eat. So the others left me with him and we went to a pizzeria. At one point I took his phone and called the Dealer with an SOS message: "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Tomorrow you better
be with us!!!".
After that we finished our pizzas and came to my place and found that the others were already here. Turns out, they misunderstood my call and thought we were already home, so they came straight over, waking up my roommates, to get in. I gave them my bed and slept on the floor with my friend. We got home about 8AM.

21.01 - I woke up around 11AM and went to the kitchen, because the Dealer and the young guy were... They weren't noisy or anything, just my hungry and trained ears can pick up any small noise, so I just left to give them their privacy. The young guy had never been to Estonia before, so I was happy that his first time was so... Joyous! :D
When Taki woke up, he was QUITE mad at he. Telling me that this isn't a hotel and what happened in the morning shouldn't happen AT ALL. I said: "I'm sorry" quite many times, until I just left the room he was in. It's not my fault! It was all a misunderstanding! I said I'm sorry, what else could he want?
The others decided they want to eat, so we went to the city. They ate in Lido, that's in Solaris center. I just sat there and tried not to die, because I had no money to buy food and I was certainly not gonna tell them that. After they had eaten, we decided to take a walk in the Old Town. The Dealer and the young guy HELD HANDS almost all the time. Geesh, I didn't know where to hide my eyes. That made me soooo uncomfortable, because in Estonia no one does that (I mean gay guys). At night you could get beaten for that, but during the day (and in the Old Town) it's kinda okay, but I was sooo uncomfortable. My friend wanted to do the same for me, but I was like: "Hell no! I'm not that kind of a person!" We showed them some sights and the Dealer told them a lot about our history. I don't really care much about history, therefore I don't
remember it, but it was quite interesting to listen to him. :)
After that we went to some other pizzeria, to have a warm drink and just to relax. It was already about 5PM and I was hungry as hell. They decided to go to the movies, so I told them I'm gonna come home, which I did.
I got home, ate like a pig and just LOVED the quiet (and my TV shows).
Only my friend came around 9PM, because the Dealer took the young guy to his place to have a final romantic evening together.
Hando was here too. We chatted, he was trying to find someone interesting from Gayromeo and around 11PM he was gone... I was alone with my friend.
I told him, that he had been QUITE tipsy the other night and I wasn't that happy and that I didn't have any money to go out with him on that day. He said don't worry, I'm not usually that drunk and I'm gonna prove it to you today by buying you drinks and being good.
And that he was. The evening turned out to be okay. Nothing big. Just a little dancing in X-Bar (which is usually quite empty on Saturdays) and G-Point.
Highlight of the evening was when one straight guy got jealous over me asking her girl to dance. I saw them dancing and the girl had some rockin' moves and at one point I went over and asked her if I could have a dance with her. She was okay with that, but the guy got so pissed and went away. The girl was like: "It's okay, I know in what kind of a place I am and I've known him for two days!" :D
After dancing my friend wanted to go to sauna, because he didn't remember much about the previous evening and he wanted to remember this one. So we went and stayed there about 1,5 hours and then came home to sleep. I let my friend sleep on the bed this time and I slept on the floor.

22.01 - We woke up around noon and the younger guy came here too. The Dealer didn't come in, he just dropped the guy off and left. The young guys eyes were sooo red from crying. "I
hate saying good-bye!" he said. Kinda sweet, doncha think? :)
TheY packed for an hour and then called a cab and left. I gave them both a hug and waved. When I closed the door, I was like "THANK GOD, IT'S OVER!!!" I turned on my TV, dropped myself in my bed and that's how I spent the rest of the evening. At one point I asked Taki, is there no movie night and he said, that there will be no more movie nights, that they had all decided, that the movie nights time had come to an end. Kinda sad... Not much, just a little! :D
I'm sad, that I won't get to show them my movies anymore, I still have my lists of movies, that I wanted to show, but hey...
Everything has an end. One day, when I find a boyfriend, I'll make him watch my movies! xD

23.01 - Begun the Year of the Dragon - aka MY YEAR!!! WIIIII! :D

24.01 - One of the new things, that I brought to the New Year (since the middle of December) is that I do a lot of walking. About two to four times a week. When I have the evening shift, then I walk to work and when I have the morning shift, then I walk home. It's about a 45 minute walk, which is perfect, because every time I get to listen to one episode of "Desperate
Housewives". I started with season 6 and now I'm on season 7 (after what I'm gonna start from season 1 until the very end). The schools psychologist said, that I need to find something that would relieve the stress. She said that if I would be a middle aged man, she would recommend seeing a doctor, because I have a high risk of heart failure, but since I'm so young I should find something. Training or gym as she said. Hell no! Have you seen the prices they want for a month of gym? No, no!
But now I think I found my "thing". It's perfect, because I LOVE walking and I LOVE the housewives. I love watching them and I love hearing them. There is something about their voices, that soothes me (especially Mary-Alice's).
Even though it had been a LOOONG day at work and again I was in my "dead" zone (the zone, where I feel absolutely nothing - no anger, pain, joy... Nothing!) and for absolutely no reason at all. But when I got home, I was feeling good again (tired as hell, but still good). My mood was better.
But that's not the only change I'm gonna make this year. There is a lot on the way, I just don't want to rush anything. One change at a time and in time, I think I'm gonna be happy again. :)

At least here's hoping .! :)


And now a song about my God i.e. my (future) husband:
Susan Boyle - You Have To Be There

2011 - My Year in Status

This photo is Self-Made. I chose my own statuses and added them here!

And photo is Auto-Made. :) Facebook chose my statuses and put them in this. :D

Saying Good-Bye and Welcoming the New Year

23.12 – I woke up in the morning, drove to the bus station and went to the country, to spend Christmas with my mother and brother. I got there and my mother greeted me with a big hug, like she usually does, because I don't go there that often. I spent the day just laying around and doing nothing (because there is actually nothing to do in a place where there's no internet) . :D
I was so bored, that I decided to clean out my old drawers full of my old school and other stuff. The coolest thing I found was a small letter we had to write in English class titled: “Me in 10 years!”, that I had written in the 10th grade in 2005.

24.12 – Got up at 11, to get ready to go to the city (my village has about 200 people in it and the city, where I went to school has about 8000 people in it). My mother’s old classmate took us with his car and dropped us off at my mother’s sisters place, so we could wish her and her husband Merry Christmas.
After that we went to the cemetery to light a candle for my grandmother (father’s mother), father and other relatives/moms friends. After that we went to my Godmothers (father sister) place, where we ate a little and just chatted. Since my brother (a 14 year old boy) doesn't really understand Russian that much, then he just spent all the time playing with my phone.
After that we met up with our driver and went to church. Usually (thanks to me) we last in there about a half an hour, but I don't know why, this time I asked them to sit through the entire thing. Mother sister was there, so we greeted her again, after it all was over. She asked me, who the guy is and does he drink. I replied, that my mother told me, that he used to be a real boozehound once upon a time and one day he just said: “Enough!” and hasn't had a drink since. Then he took mom, brother and me to see my grandmother, who usually comes to church every Christmas eve, but for some reason, not this time. She said, that she just didn't feel like it. We wished her Merry Christmas, gave her a hug and went back home. Mother had prepared our usual Christmas dinner, that she heated up and we sat down and ate. Our usual Christmas dinner is blood sausage (I don't like that thing, but out of courtesy I ate one), potatoes, sauerkraut (yumm yumm yumm), wieners and potato salad.
After it had all been eaten, I gave them my presents. Brother got a set of 5 games (I know how he loves computer games) and for my mother I had printed out 2 pictures (on one there's only me and on the second one there's me and her dancing on my birthday party) and a CD which I made for her, that had only Russian music on it (since I hate Estonian music and she doesn't understand English, then Russian is the only way to go with her). She gave me her present the day before – a bottle of liquid soap and (blond) hair color.
The rest of the evening we just sat and watched TV (“Die Hard 2”, because it was on TV and mother LOVES that series).

25.12 – Woke up, ate, packed and 13:46 my bus arrived, to take me back to Tallinn.

26.12 – The whole day was kinda like “blah”. I was sooo not in the mood for a party or anything. In the evening we had our own little Christmas party with friends and even before I went there I knew, that I don't actually want to go there (because I just didn't feel very social), but I didn't want to wake up the next day and regret not being there. So I went and most of the night I sat quietly in my own little corner. Everyone was there. All of our group, Mr L, Timur with his boyfriend Alex and Joosep. We ate, there as a lot of talking and laughing. At one point the evening was sooo fun, that they decided to watch Youtube videos from the hosts HUUUGE TV. At one point Taki had a “genius” idea, to show everyone Katy Perrys song “E.T” special lyrics video, that we usually watch on our meditation nights. If you don't know what you're looking for, then it's not that easy to find it. They asked me for my help and I said: ”No, I'm not gonna help you, because I don't want to see it!”. So I just got dressed and went out for a smoke. The truth is, that I have seen that video many many times, but only ONE time, with Mr L in the same room and I was not going to spoil that memory.
When I was done smoking, I went back to the room and they were STILL looking for that video and right then they just found it. Oh, lucky me! :S Luckily Madis wanted me to hear one song from his phone, so I just jammed the earphones in and held them as deep as I could, I closed my eyes and just listened to the lyrics of the song he wanted me to hear. Pet Shop Boys “Shameless” was the song he wanted me to her. Not bad, I told him. It was a lie, of course. PSB is not my cup of tea, but the chorus was funny, I have to admit.
When came the time to exchange presents, Laura was happily the Santas little helper and forced us to read a little poem or something like that. Since last year I sang (stupid stupid stupid), then this year I didn't want to do anything at all, but she wouldn't take "No" for an answer, so I quickly came up with a rhyme and got my gift. When everyone got something beautiful or something for the memory or something practical, then I got Justin Bieber's autobiography!!! You should've seen my face, it was NOT happy. While everyone got something for the memory, I got mocked, but hey... I can't hold any grudges or something. The present maker thought it was going to be funny (and he has a different sense of humor), it's my fault that I didn't find it to be funny.
When the evening was over, we went home by bus. Tanel escorted me, Taki, Villu and Mr L to the bus station and when the bus came, he went his merry way. I sat in the back by myself and turned on my music, the others stood in the front of the bus. Mr L left first and right in the second stop I got off. I just wanted to walk by myself and listen to music. I thanked the Universe, for it all was over! :)

31.12 – I was planning to clean my room, because for as long as I've known, cleaning on the day before the new year, was a tradition (that my mother always made us follow) and while living in Tallinn, I've always followed it (because I love traditions). But on that day... I sooo did not feel like cleaning and I took a long time to start and finally my co-worker Inna called and said that Santa visited her and said that I was a good boy and left her a present for me, so she came over. We drank coffee, talked a bit and she gave me the present - “Burlesque” DVD! Now THAT is a present! :D
After an hour of talking, she left. I got myself ready and went to Raili's place. My usual group got together at Lauras place and Tanel repeatedly said to me, that it's such a shame that we're not gonna be together on that night. I calmed him down, by saying, that we're gonna see each other a little before midnight. I didn't go, because I didn't feel like it. I was wanted to send the year away quietly and with Raili.
She had to stay home, because she couldn’t find a babysitter. We had a lot of catching up to do, because hadn’t seen each other for a long time, drank a lot of rum, I played with her son (actually he played with me and I was trying not to pay TOO much attention to him, because that three year old boy is a bit TOO active for me) and about half an hour before midnight we went out (Raili, her son and her sister).
We went to Vabaduse väljak, where I was supposed to meet Tanel and others in a specific point.
It was about 5 minutes till midnight and there were A LOT of people there, so Raili told me to RUN! And run I did. I had to push myself through a huge crowd, it was just like a scene from a movie – me pushing myself through loads of people to get to the people I love before midnight.
Once I got to our point, no one was there. I thought they’re still moving, so I kept on going. Once I had reached Raekoja Plats, I still hadn’t seen anyone, so I went back. The fireworks started and even though I LOVE fireworks to death, I didn’t look up once. I didn’t have time to stop and stare. I just shoved myself through the crowd, who were yelling “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” to each other. I didn't care, I just wanted to see my people.
Once I got back to the point where we were supposed to meet, no one was still there. Then I got a call, that they are already in front of X bar, so I ran there.
The first hug of the year 2012 went to Reelika, then her wife Merili and then Ülle. After the girls had been hugged, I saw Tanel – he was my first male hug. :) I wanted him to be the first of them all, but hey – the first male is good to!
I didn’t care, that I didn’t see any fireworks. I was HAPPY! I greeted everyone with a joyful “Happy new year” and a hug. Even Mr L was there and I did that to him too.
Raili called me and asked me where I was. I said, that I’m in front of X-Bar. She started screaming, that what the hell am I doing there, I was supposed to be at that place where I was supposed to meet the others and then she just hung up!
And then came the Champagne...
After what there is a two hour gap in my memory. I remember drinking a lot of that sparkly fabulousness.
I remember: at one point I decided to talk to Mr L about him acting as a jerk on my birthday (the fact that he promised me TWICE he’s gonna show up and 2 hours later sends me an SMS saying “oh, by the way – I can’t make it!”) and I remember telling him calmly many times, that I don’t want any drama, I just have an issue and I want to clear it, so the new year could start better and from a clean slate; I remember throwing up with Tanel’s sad puppy eyes looking at me and the next thing I remember is me walking to the bus station alone, to catch the last bus home (at 3AM). That’s all!

1.12 – Luckily I was smart enough to go to sleep with my window cracked open a bit, so there wouldn’t be a big hangover on that day, because I had to be in front of Saku Suurhall at 12:50. A friend of mine works there as a volunteer and she got a free ticket for me to see the "Cirque Du Soleil - Saltimbanco".
The show was... Okay! There were some moments where I was amazed, but most of it was just okay. May-be it was the hangover that kept me from being blown away.
But when those two came on, it was soooo drooling time! xD
And when those two bitches came on, I was like: "If you're not wearing any wires, then is all this really worth your Life???" I know the first thing the learn is how to fall correctly, but still... Anything can happen, is the show really that important for them?
Overall I was happy to be there and see it. :)
I've been only once to the Circus and that was VERY long time, I must've been like 7 to 10 years then...
In the evening Tanel came to our place and told me that I had been quite rude to one person. I had told one person twice something like this: “Yeah, yeah, I like you, but could you like... Go away?” Oh god I wished they hadn’t told me that. I don’t even remember walking around the block with Tanel, Lord knows what I might have said. And what’s even worse – friends tell me that they saw quite little of me on that night – God knows where I was or what I did or what I said! The others have given me quite good feedback, saying I was VERY cheerful that night.
Gosh, I so want to remember. May-be I had one of the best nights in ages, I just don’t remember it! :S Note to myself: Champagne is EVIL! Before that I was fine...
And what scares me the most – I have no idea what Mr L replied to me!
As soon as I woke up, I wrote him a letter saying that IF I caused any problems, then I’m really sorry, but my intention was just to clarify something that was bothering me in order to start the New Year fresh. That’s all! There was silence for four days and finally he replied: “Happy New Years to you too! As far as I remember all was ok! :)”

We haven’t seen each other since .!

I also came up with my New Year's Resolution: "Laugh a little more, care less about what others think of me and do more things on my own. Not because may-be tomorrow won't come, but because I deserve to Live!" :)
So let's hope, this year will be the best ever! ;)
Cheers!

And now a song that has good lyrics:
Aqua - If The World Didn't Suck (We Would All Fall Off)

The Memories of December

30.11 – We were having a nice quiet meditation evening. E and Tanel were with me, Taki and Villu. We were just talking and having fun. All of the sudden, my phone rings. I look on the screen and my mother is calling me. I picked up and she says: “I got a letter”. I’m like – oh great, another court letter, saying I need to pay my depts. Well... It wasn’t! She said, it’s from the ARMY! My heart skipped at least three beats! She opened the letter and read to me, that I have been summoned. I need to be in Rakvere on the 13th of January (which “luckily” is Friday the 13th") at 8:30AM!!! Oh my god... That was the LAST thing I was expecting! I am 23 and I was hoping that they forgot about me or someone spied on my and saw, that I’m not army material, but noooo. Those basterds were just waiting, until I graduate. Ugh! My whole evening was ruined! Fuck fuck fuck!

3.12 - On that Saturday I was having a bad day. E was at my place and it was boring as all hell. I was watching TV and he was sitting by the computer, listening to the music with headphones. Yes, "Friends" were on, but it was still not what I was expecting of a Saturday night with my special someone. So I just layed there quietly, saying nothing, occasionally visiting the balcony for a smoke.

I also was a bit fed up with him too, because he was at my place most of the time. I needed space, I couldn't breathe (nor watch my TV shows, because he didn't like those and then he'd be bored).

At one point (about ten o'clock in the evening) he asked me, if I wanted him to go home. I was silent for a bit. Then I asked him, if he'd be very upset with me if I'd answer "Yes". "No" he replied. After a pause, that seemed like a lifetime, I said: "Then could you please go home?". He took his stuff and left, I didn't even get a Good-Bye kiss or a hug, nothing. Seemed like he was VERY upset, even though a moment ago, he said he wouldn't be.

And you know what? After he left, I was relieved! I jumped in my bed, turned on "Dexter" and just enjoyed the darkness.

4.12 - I noticed that E had deleted "Has partner" sign from his profile in Gayromeo. I wrote to him, that did you really get THAT upset with me? "Apparently" was all he replied.

I really wanted to talk to Tanel that day, but he said, that he didn’t have any free time before the movie night, so we agreed, that he would come to my place after work the next day.

In the evening it was Mr L's turn to show us a movie and his choice was "Kramer vs Kramer". I hadn't seen that movie before and I quite liked it. Of course I had a different opinion, than the others, when we discussed the movie after it was over. I said that there is NO excuse for leaving a child and the court should've never given the child back to Meryl Streep.

5.12 – All I wanted to do was talk to Tanel about E. That what should I do. Should I dump him or should I get back together with him?

Laura came to our place too, so that made it that much harder to open my mouth and talk about something that bothers me.

But after an hour or two in the living room, I finally opened my mouth and talked about my problem. As usual, the answer was that I’m doing something wrong. That we ruined it all, by spending too much time together right from the start. That all this time together didn’t give me any chance to miss him. He was always around.

The good thing is that I opened my mouth and talked about what was bothering me. Which is not that easy, when I know I’m doing something wrong!

We ended up spending a very fun evening together. I loved it! I just drank a little too much coffee! xD

8.12 - I went back to Tapa, because a relative of mine had passed away and there was a funeral. At first we were in a Russian church. There was an open casket and I saw the dead body. It was so weird, seeing all those people crying. It was soooo f'ing uncomfortable for me, because all I wanted to do, was laugh. Crying people make me VERY uncomfortable and laughing is like a defense reflex or something like that. So there I was, standing just a few feet away from the body, crying people all around me and I kept repeating to myself (in my head): "Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies!" And what made it all worse - in the Russian church they don't have any chairs and we all had to stand up for the whole thing. Oh, that was a killer for my legs. I HATE standing in one place for too long.

After the ceremony was over, we said our last Good-byes. Some kissed deceased, some just gave a gentle stroke. I was one of those, who did the last one. I said my good-bye to the daughter of my (deceased) grandmother’s sister by gently stroking her hand. Gosh, that was sooo cold.

I remember when my father passed, I kissed him on the forehead, but I don't remember it being THAT cold (Yeah, that was 13 years ago and my memories COULD be letting me down, but still...).

After that we went to the cemetery to bury the body.

In American movies it is so short - they have a few words and they leave, the workers will do everything for them. But not here! Here firstly one of the relatives gave a very beautiful speech (that was my fifth funeral and the first time anyone's ever given a speech) and then the put the casket in the ground. After that everyone throws sand on the casket three times (by hand) and then we all wait until the workers have completed their job, so we could decorate the grave by putting flowers and wreaths on it. And after that comes the funeral banquet. All of this was over by three o'clock (it started at 11AM). Then I went to my grandmothers for a little chat and later came back to Tallinn with a train.

9.12 - Was an ordinary party day at our place. I had a few drinks and after that we went to X-Bar, where I met up with my friend Sven and after that we went to G-Point, where we met another acquaintance of ours. Had a few more drinks and when we started to leave, I noticed someone had stolen my wallet from my coat. Luckily there wasn’t much money in it, but what I feel sad about the most is that grandmother gave me that wallet. Fuck all those documents that were in there, I can get them again, but the wallet... Nothing can replace that!

We didn’t go home. Me and Sven went to the acquaintances place, for a drink. After half an hour Sven called himself a cab and left, I stayed there.

I stayed in the arms of a cute man. We didn’t have sex or anything, I just wanted to feel close to someone. That’s all.

10.12 – Me and my friends went to see “New Year’s Eve”. I was VERY pleased with the movie. The plan was to go and see it in Coca Cola Plaza, but when we got there, all the good seats had been taken. So we went to Solaris and we ended up in the biggest room. I had been there once before. I was there on my first date with Mr L, we went to see “Loose Cannons”. If I’d known, that the movie was going to be shown there, I would’ve skipped it and gone to see it on another day.

12.12 – E came to my place, to pick up the shirt he left behind. We had a small chat, about nothing special. About how life has gone on, how he got a new job and how I’m still doing nothing with my life. We didn’t touch the subject “us”, but I think he gets that I’m not in love with him. I did say that whenever he’s feeling lonely on a Friday night and wants to party, then he is welcome to party with us. I just hope that he got, that it was a friendly invitation, nothing else. But I did get a Good-Bye hug, when he left. :)

14.12 – It was a busy day at work. Our project manager noticed that there were some strange numbers in the interviews, so I had to listen to some interviews, to check everything. She told me to call the interviewer, who had made those. She said it to me three times and so I did. At first the interviewer didn’t pick up, but later she called back and I explained, that there were some strange numbers and she was quite surprised, because she didn’t remember entering numbers as big as the project manager said. My point is – all the project manager told me, was to call the interviewer and I did!

15.12 – I got a wakeup call of a lifetime! The project manager called me and practically screamed at me: “Where is the feedback!” I was like WTF? What feedback? I called the interviewer, just like she asked me to. But she didn’t ask me for a feedback. “Don’t you have any brain at all?” was her reaction to me. For fucks sake, I did EXACTLY what she asked me, but my mistake was that I didn’t think WHY she asked me to call the interviewer. I didn’t have the time to stop and think. Fuck her! I did as I was told and that’s all. I’ve been working here for almost 4 years. She’s supposed to know, what I’m like and what my flaws are.

Yes, NOW I understand that I SHOULD’VE given her feedback, but at that point I didn’t have the time to stop and think. And I didn’t deserve that screaming wakeup call! But hey, not all of us know how to communicate (I should know, I’m one of them).

The day turned out to be good after all. We had our company Christmas event or something like that. We went to a place called Raudsilla, to have our “party” there. I don’t know how to explain what kind of a place it was, but if anyone ever has a chance to throw a party there, then that person won’t be disappointed!

While being there, we also had a little game. They have us a map of the place and we had to go through four points, where we had to do different tasks.

In the third point, the task was to spin the hula hoop around the waist. The project managers group was before our group and that girl spun it around pretty long. So I made it my mission to beat her time. I wasn’t gonna rub it in her face later, I just wanted to do it for myself, because I hate her so much and ONLY for me: It was personal!

So after she was done, I picked up the hula ring and I spun it around and around and around and I when I reached 10 minutes, I stopped, because I knew I had beaten her. The judge said, that she spun it around 3 minutes with some seconds, so you have no idea how happy I was! :D

But the sad thing was, that after all those tasks were done, we found out, that no one gets any points. They just put all of us in a bowl and just picked from there. Luckily our group was the first one to get picked.

Our former Supervisor was also there with her little baby. Oh god, how I’ve missed her. She was the Izzie Stevens of our office (meaning – the heart and soul of this place) and she still is heavily missed!

After we got back to Tallinn, most of us went back to the office, to continue the party. I just went there for a moment and then I left. My boss called me to confirm, is everything okay. He knows that I love parties and last year I was quite a party animal. I just said, that I’m not in a mood to party and that was it.

16.12 – This Friday party was held at Mikk’s place in the center of the city. We got together, drank and played a very fun game, that Laura had brought – Jungle speed. I get quite competitive, while playing. I don’t like loosing that much, but if I do, I survive. I’m not a sore looser, I just LOVE winning! :D

After that everyone went home. I didn’t want to go yet, so I escorted Laura to her home. On the road we talked A LOT (mostly about me) and I REALLY hope she doesn’t hate me now, because most of the things I say when I’m drunk, is what is actually bullshit in other peoples opinion. Because everything I say or feel is wrong, they always tell me. I’m doing everything always wrong. And when they explain it to me, then I understand why it’s wrong. But while I’m doing/saying, whatever I’m doing/saying, then at that moment I don’t think it’s wrong.

And what’s worse – I love to talk when I’m drunk. Talk, discuss about my problems, but when I get answers – it’s highly unlikely I will remember them by morning! And talking about my problems while I’m sober – that’s just out of the question! ;)

That’s why it’s just better to keep my mouth shut and say nothing. But when I’m drunk, it’s hard to keep it shut. :D I’m gonna have to practice that a little more.

After I escorted her home, I checked out X-Bar, which was quite empty. That was the first time in a very very long time, that I went out all on my own.

I left and went to G-Point. There were a lot of people and a few friends too, with whom I danced and talked. There was one black guy too.

Somehow we ended up talking a lot. At one point I kissed him. “It was the first time ever I’ve kissed a black guy.” I said to him. And it was true. I had only ONCE just talked to a black guy before and this was the first time I had kissed one. There aren’t so many black people in Estonia and I also haven’t traveled much, that’s why I had no experience. But now I do. :) At least with the kissing part.

After the party was over, we went to my place to continue the chat.

After talking about two hours, he called cab and went away and I went to sleep, because it was already 9AM.

17.12 – In the evening I went to Tapa with a train and there by bus I went to my mother’s place. I took them a bunch of movies. We just talked and watched TV. Nothing special.

18.12 – The reason why I went back home, was that day was my Grandmothers 80th Birthday party. We had it in our mother’s sister’s house in Tapa. Everyone was quite worried, that my mother is going to ruin it all. My cousin called me during the day, to confirm, that my mother is sober (apparently exactly 10 years ago, my mother went to grandmothers birthday while being totally wasted. Luckily I don’t remember anything about that day). I calmed her down, by saying that everything is okay and under control.

We arrived to the sister’s house quite early, so we could help with the decorations and setting the table.

Everything went without a hitch. All was well, the food was perfect (as usual, my mother’s sister studied to be a cook and her food is always sooo delicious), the people were happy and grandmother was exactly by my side. I just love her! :)

They did make just one tiny mistake! In my opinion the seating arrangement was a bit off. They put my grandmother on one side of the table and all her (elderly) friends in the other side. But my grandmothers hearing isn’t as good as it used to be, that’s why she was silent most of the evening.

Usually when we have the birthday party at her place, then she’s right in the middle and she’s very chatty and laughing and stuff. Not this time. But everything else was okay. We even got to make a picture where all of us were on – grandmother, me, my mother and brother and her sister with her daughter. I don’t remember us having a photo like that before.

Just like I said to my cousin on the phone – everything is going to be okay, just as it was.

After the party I came back to Tallinn. I thought that there was going to be no movie night, but later when Taki came back home, he told me that there WAS a movie night. He showed a movie called “Pay It Forward”. I was soooooo upset! Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Oh, right! I was the one who told Taki, that I’m going to be away for the weekend and not to contact me. BUT! In my defense – on the 4th of December, when we had our last movie night, I understood that that was the last movie night this year. And when I said, that I’m going to be away for the weekend and not to contact me, I meant meditation nights, not movie nights. It’s not his fault, that he can’t read minds. I was just sad and disappointed.

I love movie nights. They are mostly about hanging out with friends and doing something together. But they are also great, because in a way, we are all opening up to each other, showing different sides of ourselves.

But sometimes it can also be a disappointment. For example when someone is not showing a movie from their own collection, but just thought it might be a cool movie, without even seeing it once or someone, who wants to see someone else and then shows a movie they haven't seen, just to bring that someone that much closer to him.

Of course I’m talking about myself. In January/February (2011) I wanted to see Mr L again and I chose the movie "The Shadow Writer". I had never seen that movie, but Mr L gave it to me for Christmas.

One night we were both watching "European Movie Awards Gala 2010" and that was the only movie I was routing for the whole evening, because it had Kim Cattrall in it. I'm not much of an European movies type of a person. I love American movies more. So thanks to Kim I was routing to that movie the whole evening. And he found that DVD somewhere and gave it to me for Christmas. That's why I showed it. So he'd come...

But after I showed the movie I realized, that IF I would have seen that movie earlier, I wouldn't have showed it. Because it was MY night and I was ready to show a part of me and I... I didn't...

Yeah, others loved/liked that movie and they were pleased... But I wasn't... Yeah, he was here, but I didn't open up. I didn't show anything of myself, other than I missed him.

But yeah... Movie nights are very important for me!

21.12 – Our boss took us to a fancy restaurant, to celebrate Christmas. The restaurant was very very fancy and I felt like a fish out of water in there.

The sad thing about restaurants like these, is that if you go in there hungry, you’re gonna leave hungry. :D

Yeah, the food was VERY delicious, but the amounts were... Puny!

22.12 – The Tallinn2011 project was having their final event that evening. I had written about wanting to go there in our Facebook group, but no one showed any interest in going. In final desperation I wrote to Mr L, inviting him with me. It was a stupid mistake, I know! But the only reason I did that was because I didn’t want to go alone and I know he likes these cultural things.

He didn’t answer! No surprise there.

So I decided to go alone! And boy am I pleased with my decision!

The event was called “60 seconds”. 60 directors around the world, each made one movie, that was 60 seconds long. It was shown on a big screen, outside in the pier. Yes, my legs died, while standing in one place for more than an hour, but the movies were so different and some of them so weird and strange, that I didn’t have time to stop and think about my dead legs. I just stood there, watching the big screen and I loved the experience! After all the movies were shown, they light the projector on fire and destroyed all the movies. That was the main idea of the event: to show the movies once and then destroy them all.

I was very pleased with myself. And from now on, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! I’m not going to write in our group, that I want to go and see some events, just to see that no one writes me back or shows any sign that they want to join me. I’m just gonna skip that and start doing things all on my own. Who knows – may-be because of that, one day I’ll have the guts to just start talking to strangers? :D

Who knows! ;)

Слава - Одиночество [Vengerov Remix]