On the 9th of November I stepped on Estonian soil again. It had been a little over two years since I had been here last and as soon as I got back, I felt like in a way I had never been away.
I got to Tallinn around 1PM and as per usual - it was a cloudy and a cold day. I went and bought myself a SIM card, so I could get in touch with my mother and got myself a coffee (oh, how I had missed the CoffeIn's lattes).
After I had gotten in contact with the world again I sent a quick streak snap (me and Cam were really close to reaching 600 days in a row and I had no intention in blowing it) and told my mother I'm safely on my motherlands surface again. After doing that I walked to the train station, got myself a ticket back to Tapa and preceded on waiting for the train. Once on the train, I didn't have anything to do for the next hour, so I just pulled out my laptop and enjoyed some unseen episodes of "Shameless" (the US version).
As soon as I stepped off the train, mother was in tears again, hugging me like there's no tomorrow. She said that she couldn't believe that I'm back and to be honest, neither did I. In my head I had thought that when I do come back, it'll be just for a visit, but not to live again. But y'know - life doesn't always turn out the way we'd hope. Since we had some time to kill until the bus, then we went and sat at the bus station's bar. I had a Thick soup (seljanka) and black bread, which I hadn't had in a long time and a cup of coffee. She just took a huge glass of tomato juice and enjoyed that while I downed the soup and had my coffee.
Around 4:30PM, the bus pulled up and she sent me on it. At some point she had gotten a bicycle with a tiny rechargeable motor on it, so she took that to and from work every day. She just told me to light the fire in the fireplace once I got home and she should be back in a little while too.
Once she had gotten back, we had dinner, watched some TV, talked a little more and by 9PM she was out like a light and I went to watch "Shameless" in the other room until I fell asleep about an hour or so later.
The next day we got up nice and early and got a bus to Rakvere. I had only one pair of shoes and they were not meant for winter, so we went to get me something a little more appropriate. While there we also caught up with my godmother who has quite happy to see me, as I was to see her, though she has become one of those people with whom I don't know what to talk about, so I mostly just stood aside and let mom chat with her. After about 15 minutes or so, we were already back to the bus station (because we had found the boots already before going for the quick visit to my godmothers work place), where we waited for the bus to take us back home. While waiting, I remember mom stepping aside for a moment to have a cigarette and though it had been over a month of me quitting, I still wanted to go with her so bad and just suck that cancer stick like it's the last thing I do.
After exiting the bus and before heading home, we stopped by my mother's friend's place. Or is he mom's boyfriend. I don't know what to call him. They were married for a few months about two years ago, but I have no idea what kind of a relationship they have nowadays. They seem close, but eh... Don't care, as long as she's happy.
He seemed okay. Having a hangover, so mom made him some soup and they made me coffee, so I just sat there, talked a bit, but mostly let these two do the talking themselves and just waited until it was time to leave again. Once we got home, initially we had planned on going to the shed and getting some firewood, but since it was so cold, we decided on doing that the next day and we just stayed inside for the remainder or the day.
On Sunday the highlight of the day was carrying firewood home and then just staying home for the rest of the day.
On Monday, mom had agreed with grandmother that I come and visit her. I arrived there around lunch time and it was really great to see her, though at the same time extremely sad. First she (as usual) sat me down and made me eat. xD When I was younger she always made me rice soup or pancakes. At the moment all she had were potatoes and meat fresh out from the oven, but they were still really really delicious. So I put butter on the black bread, took some milk and had a great meal. After that I went and sat by her side on the living-room couch and tried to have a conversation. But it's quite difficult when she can barely hear me and I have to talk really loud to get through and it doesn't feel like I'm having a conversation, instead it just feels like I'm screaming at her, because she's too proud to wear her hearing-aid.
As great as it was seeing her, the sad part was hearing about her days. Most of the days she just spends at home, because it's difficult for her to walk, so she doesn't go out, unless someone takes her. On weekdays the first half of the day she sits around and does god-knows-what and then the rest of the day she she spends watching her soap operas, until 9PM when it's time to watch the news after which she goes to sleep to get back up at 5AM or so to start the cycle again. On weekends it's basically the same, just that she doesn't have her soaps to watch. Mom visits her every so often to get her stuff from the store and other relatives visit her sometimes too, though not so often (which is strange to see, because mom had always been the "black sheep" in that family and thus she used to be the one who visits grandmother less than others from mom's sister's side).
When I was younger I used to play lots of board games with grandmother and I thought about doing the same that day, but for some reason decided not to and instead head out, even though there was still a little time until the bus.
So I went to see what mom was up to. At the moment she is working as a cleaner in a nursing home and I was curious to see what it looks like from inside, but she thought it would be best if I don't come in. So we just stayed outside, chatted until she was done with her cigarette and off I went. She asked me to get some more tomato juice for her, so I went and did that and then caught the bus back to my village and stayed home for the rest of the day again.
The following three days I spent at home, not once leaving it. Mostly because it was cold outside and also there's absolutely nothing to do in this god-forsaken village. So I just stayed in, watched my TV shows and looked for jobs online, sending out resumes to places where I thought I might have a chance of getting a position. I was also trying to find a place in the capital again, even though I had no idea how I was going to pay for it without a job yet, but at least I wanted to see what my options were.
On Friday I went to Rakvere again. Since my brother works there and he lives right next door to mom, he was kind enough to take me with him. It was pretty great to drive with him, because even though he has grown into this really cool man (who is expected to become a father in the beginning of next spring), in my mind I still see him as this small little boy who I helped raise until I left home when I was 18 (and he was 10). And even though we don't talk that much with him in general (because he's kind of an introvert and it's not that easy to talk to him, because we also have nothing in common), I still think very highly of him and always wish him the best.
I went to Rakvere to get myself signed up at the Unemployment agency. Mom was hoping that I would get some sort of financial support from them, but after waiting there for an hour and then spending about half an hour with the consultant, I found out that I wasn't eligible for the support, because for the past two years I hadn't been working in Estonia and working in Australia didn't count. So the best they could do for me was to send me job applications and that was it. After great news like that I took the bus again, but this time I took it straight to Tapa, were I went to see my GP. Ideally you are supposed to have an appointment, but at the registration the lady told me that I should just go and sit behind the doc's door and the nurse will take it from there.
There were quite a few people waiting behind the door and the nurse was in and out many times and she saw me there 100%, but only decided to come talk to me about an hour later, when it was a little past 1PM. Obviously she wasn't happy that I didn't have an appointment (even though I told her that I was just told to come and sit here, instead of being told to set an appointment and go back home), but she still agreed to let me go see the doc (also the doc was only supposed to accept patients until 1PM that day).
So after waiting a little bit more, I finally got to see the doc who asked me a few things, checked my temperature, my blood-pressure, my tonsils (I told her they have been swollen for about a month or so now) and gave me some pills to what she thought is IBS and some pain killers for my mild chest pains and mild pains on the left side of my body. Weird thing was that she told me that the pain killers would be in a powder form, but once I got to the pharmacy, they sold me tablets and I was too much in a rush to ask them about it or go back to the nurse to ask about it. So instead once I got home, I didn't take the pain pills at all and I'll just ask about them once I see the doc again.
On the previous evening there were some harsh words exchanged with mother, so the atmosphere from now on was totally different. Instead of a cheerful greeting, there would be a "hello" mumbled from the corner of our mouths and basically that would be it. If in the previous week, after mom would get home, we'd both sit in the lounge, watch TV and talk, then from that day forward, I'd just let her in, once she got home and then come back to the other room and continue doing whatever I as doing on the laptop (either looking for a job or watching "The Leftovers" that I was binging at that time).
She got upset with me that I used an electric kettle, instead of putting a regular kettle on the stove, as it was already hot anyway. I told her that since I'm not used to the fire stove, then I just didn't think of that, but she still wouldn't let go and kept on badgering me about it and eventually I just snapped and told her to go away and that with her tone she's going to take me to the grave, because I felt my blood-pressure go quite high. Strange using her own words against her (that she constantly told me when I was young). Now she's so upset, she barely talks to me. I do feel a little bad hurting her, but at that time it was the truth and I'm not taking it back. And why should I? I can't count the times she was a total nightmare to me when I was growing up, without any good reason and I don't hear any apologies for those times. Not that she actually needs to, as it doesn't change the past, but it would be nice still.
Also the other day I was eating dinner in the other room (there's only the lounge and the bedroom, where I am mostly at lately) and the light was on. Sure, okay the first 30 minutes or so, I was chatting with a friend and the dinner was sort of set aside. Then I started eating and while doing so I hear mother from the lounge: "Are you still eating?" I'm like: "Yeah, I am". And after that silence. Once I got done with eating, I took the plates and stuff to the kitchen and while coming back to the bedroom, I asked her why she asked her question earlier and she said: "Because the light was still on." Immediately I realized that obviously if I wouldn't have been eating, the light should have been turned off to conserve electricity, but as to me having the light on is such a small thing (because it doesn't take that much electricity, as it's just one small regular bulb, not a huge halogen lamp or something like that), so I just scoffed and went back to my laptop.
From Saturday until Monday I sat at home again. Partly watching my shows, partly searching for work and sending out resumes and looking for a flat in the capital.
But instead of finding a perfect flat, I think I found the perfect room with a guy who's as open minded as I am.
On Tuesday (20.11.2018) we called each other for the first time. On the previous evening we had been chatting online for hours and now we called and chatted on the phone for hours. Before the call, I went outside to walk around and go see places I used to hang out as a kid. But only reached the bridge near the river and didn't dare going on, because it was cold and as mom at some point had mentioned, there were quite a few bear sightings near our woods, so my paranoia kicked in and I walked back home. In some ways I think I have found myself a place to live in the capital again.
Now all I have to do is meet up with him and see if his dog likes me (apparently that dog is good at reading people and if the dog doesn't like me, then it's a no go) and find a way to pay for the deposit.
Wednesday was also spent home, staring at my laptop's screen again, but on Thursday I got to go and see the capital again. This time it was so that I could have a job interview, which unfortunately was a total bust, but it was still great to get out of the apartment.
The interview as a bust, because when I applied to it, then it appeared to be a regular phone job, where people would be calling in and I'd be answering questions about the stuff the company sells in Russian (and in spoken Russian I'm pretty good). But once I got there, they wanted me to take a written test and in writing I'm pretty bad. Turned out in addition to answering phone calls, I'd also have to answer their customers via chats and those would have to be in Russian and since I can't write in that language at all, we agreed that it's pointless to even take the test, so I thanked the interviewer and left the office. I was there for about 2 minutes maximum. xD
Then I just went out for a walk on the city. Even though it was a cold day, it was still nice to walk around. At one point I ran into my first supervisor from the company where I had worked for 6 years. She was still her old cheerful self, even though a lot of stuff had been happening to her since the last time we saw each other. Though as much as I liked running into her and as much as I love her as a person, it was also quite difficult in a way to run into anyone like that, because it was so random and came out of nowhere and in moments like that I freeze up in a way. Of course I maintained my smile and did some chit-chatting, but inside I was stiff as a board and all I wanted to do was run away and do this again when I'm more ready. Luckily (or sadly) she was on her lunch break, so she didn't have that much time anyway, so we said our farewells and off I went.
It was quite strange walking down the path I had walked so many times before moving to Australia. I walked past my old work place and everything was still as it was before (only the building across the road from it was now completed). The next two hours I spent just wandering around aimlessly in the small city center. I had made plans with a friend to meet up for a coffee, but since there was a lot of time until that, I managed to walk around the city center and also in the Old Town and take snaps of it to send to my friends abroad.
One strange thing happened when I was stepping into one of the huge malls in the center of the city. While walking in, I felt a little lightheaded. Either it was from all the coffee I had had (two cups before leaving the house in the morning and the third one in one of the CoffeeIn shops in Tallinn) or it was the sudden temperature change once I got into the mall or it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything that day and had done A LOT of walking around, but I just felt a sudden urge to sit down. Luckily that mall has seats available, so I was able to park my behind on one of these chairs and take a moment. My left shoulder had been aching also that day, so perhaps that had something to do with feeling like I would pass out. But luckily after sitting down for a few minutes, I felt okay enough to move again, so I headed back outside and walked around until it was time to meet up with my friend.
After a quick lunch with someone I hadn't seen in more than three or four years, he took me to the Baltic Railway station and off I was again to Tapa, from where I took the bus to my home village again.
Even though the interview that day was a bust, I finally got an e-mail from the company that I actually want to work for, because one of my friends works there and he has told me good things about that company, so I'm not blindly walking into something bad. After a few e-mail exchanges, we agreed that I'll come for an interview next Friday, the 30th of November.
Writing all of this, I can't believe I'm doing this all over again. I feel like I'm back in the beginning, when I was 18, starting from scratch again - no money, no job, no place to live, just a lot of different kind of experiences.
In some ways it's kind of cool, because I don't know what's coming, but another way it sucks (and not in a good way), because I don't know what's coming... It also sucks (and in some ways it's embarrassing) to be 30 and not being able to stand on my own to feet. But then again I'm blessed to have the things and the people that I have, because there are people out there who have much less then I do, so I shouldn't complain. :)
Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart
