After my first failed attempt to get employment again, I spent the next week sitting at home. With the only times me going outside of the apartment, when I needed to bring in the firewood. Mostly just spending time finishing with the last episodes of "The Leftovers" and then continuing with the unseen "Shameless" (the U.S. version) episodes. And occasionally showing my face online, slowly restarting communication with people I haven't talked to in years (so far done that with at least 3 people - not a bad job for being back over a month, eh?). And also keeping an eye out on ads for apartments for rent or for people who are looking for roommates.
On the 30th of November I got my ass out of bed bright and early, showered, ate, had my coffee and then took a bus to Tapa, from where a train took me to Tallinn. Luckily the place I went for a job interview for, wasn't that far away from the Ülemiste train station, so I was able to get there pretty fast. Initially I was also supposed to meet up with my friend who works there, but he was sick on that day, so I didn't have the chance to see him.
I got there about 20 minutes or so too early, so they gave me a written test, that candidates usually fill out after the interview. It was some random customer making a inquiry and all I had to do was answer him. They said that I don't need any knowledge of the business, they just wanted to test my English writing skills.
The interview itself went pretty well I'd think. I was far less nervous than I thought I would be, though I was still nervous. The conversation sort of flew, I feel like I answered their questions pretty well and left a good impression of myself. At the end of the oral part, they gave me one more test to do, which I also think I did pretty well. It was about a page and a quarter of some random symbols on a piece of paper and I had to find all the symbols with a specific sequence within 3 minutes. After I had done that (gosh, how I hate timed things) I found out that I had found 36 out of 44, which isn't that bad. The interviewers said that generally people find 20 something. Hashtag patting myself.
Once the interview was over I had time to kill again, so I decided to go check out the brand new shopping mall they had built right next to my (hopefully) new employers. I remember before leaving Estonia, they had just started building it, so I was quite curious to check it out. It was a pretty nice building, but I can't understand why we needed another huge shopping center, when there's one huge one right on the other side of the railway tracks. It's not like we have so many people here in Tallinn.
Once I had finished satisfying my curiosity, I walked to the center again. I had time to kill before I met up with my (hopefully) future landlord. The previous week I had chatted to this guy online (and by a few phone calls), who was looking for a flatmate. He had a three room apartment and he seemed like a nice guy and had all the qualities I was looking for in a potential flatmate, so it was time to meet up.
Once he was done with his work, we met up at a park/forest near his place. He went there usually after work or around evening time, to walk with his dog. When we had been talking previously, everything between us seemed fine, so he said that one of the main conditions of me moving in, would be to see how well I get along with his dog. And the first time I saw his dog, he kind of barked at me really loudly and made me a liiitle bit scared. But the owner calmed him down and the three of us went to walk around in the big park. We talked long and about lots of stuff and after a little bit, the dog didn't seem to care that I was there, but still I was on the fence, as it was a 6 year old German Shepard.
After the walk we went to see the apartment, which was really beautiful - not only would have I gotten my own room, but the guy also had a fireplace in his apartment and also a sauna(!). The dog was a acting a little strange, but he seemed okay. Occasionally letting out this whimpering noise that neither one of us could decipher and showing no signs of aggression. Again me and the owner talked for about an hour or so what would it mean if I were to move in, what to expect from me and what should I expect from him and so on. At one point I randomly decided to check the bus/train schedules and I noticed that if I left right away, I would have a great connection in Tapa between my train and the ongoing bus, so I said my goodbyes fast and got out. I felt good about the meeting, but a little awkward about me leaving so suddenly and also I wasn't exactly sure how the dog was with me. I mean he seemed okay, but still I wouldn't have been entirely comfortable being alone in the apartment with him.
After that day we chatted a little more here and there, but in the end the guy sent me an e-mail saying that us living together wouldn't work out. I understood where he was coming from and in some ways I was relieved, that I won't have to start getting used to the dog (who wasn't actually that scary, but you just never know, y'know).
In the morning of the 4th of December I found an ad online where a guy was looking for a fwb and also someone who'd clean the apartment and in exchange would perhaps live there rent free. As small as Estonia is, I was really curious to see what kind of a person is behind that ad, so I answered (as much as I hate cleaning, I totally would have done it, if it would have meant that I could have lived there rent free).
He answered and we chatted for a while, until he said that I should come over. I told him that my financial situation isn't that good, so it'll have to wait. He insisted that he likes to do these things fast (make decisions that is), said he'll pay for my tickets back and fourth, so within a half an hour I was in a bus, on my way to Tapa, where I caught a connecting train to Tallinn.
He still wouldn't send me a picture of him, but since I had sent a picture of myself, he said that he had seen me around some years ago, but we had never interacted and that I'll recognize him by his dog, as he'll most likely be the only one with a dachshund (which he was).
As soon as I walked up to him, I recognized who he was. It was true - (as far as I remembered) we had never interacted in real life, but I definitely knew who he was. Estonia is a pretty small country and the gay community here is even smaller and though he wasn't a big celebrity, he was well known. But I didn't make a big fuss about it, as he was still not bad on the eyes and a friendly person.
With him also the dog was in a way the decider, but luckily we got along with the dog very well and already 10 or so minutes after meeting with him, I got to watch the dog on my own, as he went into a shop to buy something.
Once we got to his place, it was much smaller than I had imagined. Only a two room flat, with a really tiny kitchen corner and a separate restroom.
After that we just chatted - starting from what we'd expect from each other and then moving on to random stuff from our past and life in general. It seemed we hit it off really well and I was quite happy with everything. Initially I was supposed to come back home and I had agreed with my brother that he'll pick me up in Tapa, because the buses don't go anymore that late, that I was planning to arrive. But since everything went so well, I decided to spend the night over there.
As nice as it was to be in someone's arms again (after doing the "nasty nasty", of which I could only do half of the stuff I wanted, because I had a cold sore so kissing or any other kind of activities involving my lips and tongue were totally out of the question), I was still reminded that I'm so used to sleeping alone, that falling asleep with someone else by my side isn't easy. Since he has a million things to do mostly during day times, then usually he goes to sleep with some radio talk show playing int he background (so that he wouldn't "get lost" in his head while trying to sleep, compiling to-do lists or thinking about the previous or the following day). After about 20 minutes or so, I could sense that he had dozed off, so I listened to the talk show, which kept me up for about an hour or so.
It was really sweet, waking up in the morning with someone by my side, but that didn't last long, as the dog was indicating that he'd want to go out. Of course the guy would have wanted to do "the nasty", but on the previous night I had made it clear, that I'm not the type to do that in the mornings, because in the mornings I need my quiet time, have a cup of coffee and slowly wake myself up.
So, we walked the dog and on our way back dropped by this quaint little coffee-shop near his home, where he got us two coffees. He had a cigarette with the owner, talked a bit and then we came back to his place where we talked a little more. But since I could see that he was mostly concentrated on what was going on in his laptop (work stuff, as he sometimes works from home), I said my fare wells and came on my merry way. He had indicated that he'd want me to come live there by saying so and by giving me enough cash to go home, grab my shit and then come back later.
Before coming back to the country side, I went to the bank office to try to re-open my bank account. The last time I was in the capital and visited the bank office to do the same, they told me I could do this only after I had paid my debt that came from me not paying my monthly debit-card service fees. Mom had given me a little extra money before coming to the capital this time, so I was able to pay that off (11.29€). Almost happily a bank account owner again, the guy on the other side of the table told me that unfortunately that's not possible for now. Turned out that two bailiffs had frozen my account (for some other debts I had) and without their permission to do so, he was unable to re-open my account.
Bummed about that I came home and wrote to the bailiffs, asking if they would unfreeze my account, so I could have my paychecks sent there.
Oh, I forgot to mention that on Monday (3.12) I heard back from the job that I interviewed for the previous Friday with good news - I got the job! ;) They said that they'll get back to me on Tuesday (or was it "latest by Tuesday?"), but the good news arrived on Monday! I was ECSTATIC! Also, they might have appeared already earlier, but I swear that after hearing the good news, that was the first time I felt the cold-sores coming on, so one guess is that they appeared due to part of my stress-levels going down.
One of the bailiffs answered me straight away in a very polite manner, whilst the the other one was not so nice.
The first e-mail sent to both of them contained information about who I am, where I got their names from (from the bank they had told me the names of the bailiffs' who had frozen my account) and why I was writing them. I told them that I had been away from Estonia for two years and just got back and got a job and would like to make a payment plan, that I could start paying in January, after my first pay comes in. I asked them what debts have they frozen my account for and would it be possible to unfreeze my account, so I could use it to receive my pay and then pay them. The first guy wrote me back saying who's debt is he dealing with, how much it is and that he agrees with my terms. I wrote him back asking the details for the transfer, which got an answer the following morning.
The other bailiff only answered that if I want to make a payment plan, I need to make the first payment within the first ten days (as if she didn't even read what I wrote her). I answered her (as nice as I possibly could, even though I felt like ripping her throat out), that while I totally understand that they are very busy people, I would still appreciate if she'd answer what debt we are talking about and also repeating that since I just got employed, my first pay will arrive in January, making it impossible for me to make the first payment within those 10 days. To which she answered that I should come back to her in the beginning of January and nothing else, with at least two spelling mistakes in that one sentence, which made my blood boil even more. Yes, I completely understand that I'm the one in the wrong here and trying to undo my mistakes from the past, but it just pisses me off so much that I have to be nice and polite as f**k, while she can't even spell! It took a lot from me not to start answering with curse words, so I just wrote (on the following morning): "I'll do so! But please be so kind and tell me what debt we are talking about. Unfortunately I have more than one of those and I'd like to understand, what is the current one for." To which she replied with only the company's name, from who the debts was from - no "Hello" or a signature or anything.
By that time it was also clear that the guy I had met up with a few days ago, would not be someone I'd be living with. Though it all went well and we seemed to hit it off very well, it turned out that instead of wanting a friend with benefits, he wanted a boyfriend.
Once I had gotten back home, we continued chatting via messenger still everything seemed to be great. But then we stated talking about faithfulness and there was something that was giving me a red flag, but I didn't put much thought into it yet. I just told him that I'm happy to be his friend with benefits, but I am nowhere near ready to give up my freedom just yet, so I have no intention in being loyal to him. Obviously I wouldn't go out looking for sex, but if it would sort of come my way through someone attractive, I wouldn't say no. :P The conversation ended with me going to sleep early (as seems to be the norm while I have been living here with mom again) and he said "Good night" and all seemed okay. The next morning when I woke up he had written: "I think I mentioned that safety is important to me. And if one person sleeps around and the other one doesn't, then it's not so safe anymore" and at that moment it dawned on me, that even though he might say that he was looking for a friend with benefits, then in the end he was just looking for a boyfriend. And I was not ready for that. So that was the end of that beautiful dream.
The relationship with my mother had slowly been improving again. Not exactly the same as it was before we had our little falling out a few weeks ago, but it was good - she was talking to me again and asking me to do stuff (asking, not telling) and giving explanations to things.
But on Saturday (8.12) I got a glimpse of my childhood again. Mom went out with her brother to help him with some shopping or something. Somewhere around 2pm she called me and asked me to throw in the firewood that was still under the tarp in front of the house. By her voice I could already understand that she had had a few drinks. About 15 minutes later I went outside and threw all the wood pieces into the basement through the window. She had told me that I should only throw in half of the pile, but since there wasn't that much of them out there, I managed to clear the pile totally.
I came back in and continued with my TV shows. Around 4pm she came back home and by then she had had a few more drinks (not a word about me clearing the pile in front of the house). She wasn't exactly wasted or drunk, but she was somewhere between that and tipsy. Many times in my past I have told her that I do not wish to engage her in any way after she has had a few drinks and she knows it perfectly well. But when I'm around, I know she just can't help herself. When she's tipsy/drunk she just has this need to talk and I hate it so much, because all of this could be also said while she's sober, but no. Also it takes her a while to get a proper sentence together and God-forbid you say something negative to her or ask her to hurry along or say *anything* that you know she won't want to hear (aka the truth). She'll either attack you verbally or physically. She hasn't hit me per se, but we have had our (literal) struggles in the past.
On that day I was trying to avoid her and concentrate on my show (by blocking the reality with focusing on fiction as I've always done), but she kept on insisting on talking to me. I was visibly upset and a few times raised my voice while answering her. She tired her usual manipulative tricks [e.i. "Do you know how much I wanted you back home and this is how you treat me?" or "I have always treated you as number one and this is how you treat me?" or "You've known since childhood that I drink" (which was one of the new ones I heard that day)]. I tried my best not to engage or to physically attack her, because her being this way and trying to talk to me, was pushing every button I had. Luckily about half an hour or an hour after she had arrived, she left again, saying the best words she could have possibly said to me that day: "I won't be coming home today anymore". From the kitchen window I saw her getting into my brothers car, so I assume she went to continue drinking at her boyfriends place and complain what an awful son she has and she has done nothing to deserve this.
The next day when she came back (sober) it was just like it always used to be in my childhood - as if the previous day had never happened. And judging by her vocal tone and the way she talked to me, it was like we had never been better. She even thanked me for throwing all the firewood in the basement.
On the 10th I start with my first work day. Wish me luck! :)
The Leftovers OST / Max Richter - 02 The Departure
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