After my first failed attempt to get employment again, I spent the next week sitting at home. With the only times me going outside of the apartment, when I needed to bring in the firewood. Mostly just spending time finishing with the last episodes of "The Leftovers" and then continuing with the unseen "Shameless" (the U.S. version) episodes. And occasionally showing my face online, slowly restarting communication with people I haven't talked to in years (so far done that with at least 3 people - not a bad job for being back over a month, eh?). And also keeping an eye out on ads for apartments for rent or for people who are looking for roommates.
On the 30th of November I got my ass out of bed bright and early, showered, ate, had my coffee and then took a bus to Tapa, from where a train took me to Tallinn. Luckily the place I went for a job interview for, wasn't that far away from the Ülemiste train station, so I was able to get there pretty fast. Initially I was also supposed to meet up with my friend who works there, but he was sick on that day, so I didn't have the chance to see him.
I got there about 20 minutes or so too early, so they gave me a written test, that candidates usually fill out after the interview. It was some random customer making a inquiry and all I had to do was answer him. They said that I don't need any knowledge of the business, they just wanted to test my English writing skills.
The interview itself went pretty well I'd think. I was far less nervous than I thought I would be, though I was still nervous. The conversation sort of flew, I feel like I answered their questions pretty well and left a good impression of myself. At the end of the oral part, they gave me one more test to do, which I also think I did pretty well. It was about a page and a quarter of some random symbols on a piece of paper and I had to find all the symbols with a specific sequence within 3 minutes. After I had done that (gosh, how I hate timed things) I found out that I had found 36 out of 44, which isn't that bad. The interviewers said that generally people find 20 something. Hashtag patting myself.
Once the interview was over I had time to kill again, so I decided to go check out the brand new shopping mall they had built right next to my (hopefully) new employers. I remember before leaving Estonia, they had just started building it, so I was quite curious to check it out. It was a pretty nice building, but I can't understand why we needed another huge shopping center, when there's one huge one right on the other side of the railway tracks. It's not like we have so many people here in Tallinn.
Once I had finished satisfying my curiosity, I walked to the center again. I had time to kill before I met up with my (hopefully) future landlord. The previous week I had chatted to this guy online (and by a few phone calls), who was looking for a flatmate. He had a three room apartment and he seemed like a nice guy and had all the qualities I was looking for in a potential flatmate, so it was time to meet up.
Once he was done with his work, we met up at a park/forest near his place. He went there usually after work or around evening time, to walk with his dog. When we had been talking previously, everything between us seemed fine, so he said that one of the main conditions of me moving in, would be to see how well I get along with his dog. And the first time I saw his dog, he kind of barked at me really loudly and made me a liiitle bit scared. But the owner calmed him down and the three of us went to walk around in the big park. We talked long and about lots of stuff and after a little bit, the dog didn't seem to care that I was there, but still I was on the fence, as it was a 6 year old German Shepard.
After the walk we went to see the apartment, which was really beautiful - not only would have I gotten my own room, but the guy also had a fireplace in his apartment and also a sauna(!). The dog was a acting a little strange, but he seemed okay. Occasionally letting out this whimpering noise that neither one of us could decipher and showing no signs of aggression. Again me and the owner talked for about an hour or so what would it mean if I were to move in, what to expect from me and what should I expect from him and so on. At one point I randomly decided to check the bus/train schedules and I noticed that if I left right away, I would have a great connection in Tapa between my train and the ongoing bus, so I said my goodbyes fast and got out. I felt good about the meeting, but a little awkward about me leaving so suddenly and also I wasn't exactly sure how the dog was with me. I mean he seemed okay, but still I wouldn't have been entirely comfortable being alone in the apartment with him.
After that day we chatted a little more here and there, but in the end the guy sent me an e-mail saying that us living together wouldn't work out. I understood where he was coming from and in some ways I was relieved, that I won't have to start getting used to the dog (who wasn't actually that scary, but you just never know, y'know).
In the morning of the 4th of December I found an ad online where a guy was looking for a fwb and also someone who'd clean the apartment and in exchange would perhaps live there rent free. As small as Estonia is, I was really curious to see what kind of a person is behind that ad, so I answered (as much as I hate cleaning, I totally would have done it, if it would have meant that I could have lived there rent free).
He answered and we chatted for a while, until he said that I should come over. I told him that my financial situation isn't that good, so it'll have to wait. He insisted that he likes to do these things fast (make decisions that is), said he'll pay for my tickets back and fourth, so within a half an hour I was in a bus, on my way to Tapa, where I caught a connecting train to Tallinn.
He still wouldn't send me a picture of him, but since I had sent a picture of myself, he said that he had seen me around some years ago, but we had never interacted and that I'll recognize him by his dog, as he'll most likely be the only one with a dachshund (which he was).
As soon as I walked up to him, I recognized who he was. It was true - (as far as I remembered) we had never interacted in real life, but I definitely knew who he was. Estonia is a pretty small country and the gay community here is even smaller and though he wasn't a big celebrity, he was well known. But I didn't make a big fuss about it, as he was still not bad on the eyes and a friendly person.
With him also the dog was in a way the decider, but luckily we got along with the dog very well and already 10 or so minutes after meeting with him, I got to watch the dog on my own, as he went into a shop to buy something.
Once we got to his place, it was much smaller than I had imagined. Only a two room flat, with a really tiny kitchen corner and a separate restroom.
After that we just chatted - starting from what we'd expect from each other and then moving on to random stuff from our past and life in general. It seemed we hit it off really well and I was quite happy with everything. Initially I was supposed to come back home and I had agreed with my brother that he'll pick me up in Tapa, because the buses don't go anymore that late, that I was planning to arrive. But since everything went so well, I decided to spend the night over there.
As nice as it was to be in someone's arms again (after doing the "nasty nasty", of which I could only do half of the stuff I wanted, because I had a cold sore so kissing or any other kind of activities involving my lips and tongue were totally out of the question), I was still reminded that I'm so used to sleeping alone, that falling asleep with someone else by my side isn't easy. Since he has a million things to do mostly during day times, then usually he goes to sleep with some radio talk show playing int he background (so that he wouldn't "get lost" in his head while trying to sleep, compiling to-do lists or thinking about the previous or the following day). After about 20 minutes or so, I could sense that he had dozed off, so I listened to the talk show, which kept me up for about an hour or so.
It was really sweet, waking up in the morning with someone by my side, but that didn't last long, as the dog was indicating that he'd want to go out. Of course the guy would have wanted to do "the nasty", but on the previous night I had made it clear, that I'm not the type to do that in the mornings, because in the mornings I need my quiet time, have a cup of coffee and slowly wake myself up.
So, we walked the dog and on our way back dropped by this quaint little coffee-shop near his home, where he got us two coffees. He had a cigarette with the owner, talked a bit and then we came back to his place where we talked a little more. But since I could see that he was mostly concentrated on what was going on in his laptop (work stuff, as he sometimes works from home), I said my fare wells and came on my merry way. He had indicated that he'd want me to come live there by saying so and by giving me enough cash to go home, grab my shit and then come back later.
Before coming back to the country side, I went to the bank office to try to re-open my bank account. The last time I was in the capital and visited the bank office to do the same, they told me I could do this only after I had paid my debt that came from me not paying my monthly debit-card service fees. Mom had given me a little extra money before coming to the capital this time, so I was able to pay that off (11.29€). Almost happily a bank account owner again, the guy on the other side of the table told me that unfortunately that's not possible for now. Turned out that two bailiffs had frozen my account (for some other debts I had) and without their permission to do so, he was unable to re-open my account.
Bummed about that I came home and wrote to the bailiffs, asking if they would unfreeze my account, so I could have my paychecks sent there.
Oh, I forgot to mention that on Monday (3.12) I heard back from the job that I interviewed for the previous Friday with good news - I got the job! ;) They said that they'll get back to me on Tuesday (or was it "latest by Tuesday?"), but the good news arrived on Monday! I was ECSTATIC! Also, they might have appeared already earlier, but I swear that after hearing the good news, that was the first time I felt the cold-sores coming on, so one guess is that they appeared due to part of my stress-levels going down.
One of the bailiffs answered me straight away in a very polite manner, whilst the the other one was not so nice.
The first e-mail sent to both of them contained information about who I am, where I got their names from (from the bank they had told me the names of the bailiffs' who had frozen my account) and why I was writing them. I told them that I had been away from Estonia for two years and just got back and got a job and would like to make a payment plan, that I could start paying in January, after my first pay comes in. I asked them what debts have they frozen my account for and would it be possible to unfreeze my account, so I could use it to receive my pay and then pay them. The first guy wrote me back saying who's debt is he dealing with, how much it is and that he agrees with my terms. I wrote him back asking the details for the transfer, which got an answer the following morning.
The other bailiff only answered that if I want to make a payment plan, I need to make the first payment within the first ten days (as if she didn't even read what I wrote her). I answered her (as nice as I possibly could, even though I felt like ripping her throat out), that while I totally understand that they are very busy people, I would still appreciate if she'd answer what debt we are talking about and also repeating that since I just got employed, my first pay will arrive in January, making it impossible for me to make the first payment within those 10 days. To which she answered that I should come back to her in the beginning of January and nothing else, with at least two spelling mistakes in that one sentence, which made my blood boil even more. Yes, I completely understand that I'm the one in the wrong here and trying to undo my mistakes from the past, but it just pisses me off so much that I have to be nice and polite as f**k, while she can't even spell! It took a lot from me not to start answering with curse words, so I just wrote (on the following morning): "I'll do so! But please be so kind and tell me what debt we are talking about. Unfortunately I have more than one of those and I'd like to understand, what is the current one for." To which she replied with only the company's name, from who the debts was from - no "Hello" or a signature or anything.
By that time it was also clear that the guy I had met up with a few days ago, would not be someone I'd be living with. Though it all went well and we seemed to hit it off very well, it turned out that instead of wanting a friend with benefits, he wanted a boyfriend.
Once I had gotten back home, we continued chatting via messenger still everything seemed to be great. But then we stated talking about faithfulness and there was something that was giving me a red flag, but I didn't put much thought into it yet. I just told him that I'm happy to be his friend with benefits, but I am nowhere near ready to give up my freedom just yet, so I have no intention in being loyal to him. Obviously I wouldn't go out looking for sex, but if it would sort of come my way through someone attractive, I wouldn't say no. :P The conversation ended with me going to sleep early (as seems to be the norm while I have been living here with mom again) and he said "Good night" and all seemed okay. The next morning when I woke up he had written: "I think I mentioned that safety is important to me. And if one person sleeps around and the other one doesn't, then it's not so safe anymore" and at that moment it dawned on me, that even though he might say that he was looking for a friend with benefits, then in the end he was just looking for a boyfriend. And I was not ready for that. So that was the end of that beautiful dream.
The relationship with my mother had slowly been improving again. Not exactly the same as it was before we had our little falling out a few weeks ago, but it was good - she was talking to me again and asking me to do stuff (asking, not telling) and giving explanations to things.
But on Saturday (8.12) I got a glimpse of my childhood again. Mom went out with her brother to help him with some shopping or something. Somewhere around 2pm she called me and asked me to throw in the firewood that was still under the tarp in front of the house. By her voice I could already understand that she had had a few drinks. About 15 minutes later I went outside and threw all the wood pieces into the basement through the window. She had told me that I should only throw in half of the pile, but since there wasn't that much of them out there, I managed to clear the pile totally.
I came back in and continued with my TV shows. Around 4pm she came back home and by then she had had a few more drinks (not a word about me clearing the pile in front of the house). She wasn't exactly wasted or drunk, but she was somewhere between that and tipsy. Many times in my past I have told her that I do not wish to engage her in any way after she has had a few drinks and she knows it perfectly well. But when I'm around, I know she just can't help herself. When she's tipsy/drunk she just has this need to talk and I hate it so much, because all of this could be also said while she's sober, but no. Also it takes her a while to get a proper sentence together and God-forbid you say something negative to her or ask her to hurry along or say *anything* that you know she won't want to hear (aka the truth). She'll either attack you verbally or physically. She hasn't hit me per se, but we have had our (literal) struggles in the past.
On that day I was trying to avoid her and concentrate on my show (by blocking the reality with focusing on fiction as I've always done), but she kept on insisting on talking to me. I was visibly upset and a few times raised my voice while answering her. She tired her usual manipulative tricks [e.i. "Do you know how much I wanted you back home and this is how you treat me?" or "I have always treated you as number one and this is how you treat me?" or "You've known since childhood that I drink" (which was one of the new ones I heard that day)]. I tried my best not to engage or to physically attack her, because her being this way and trying to talk to me, was pushing every button I had. Luckily about half an hour or an hour after she had arrived, she left again, saying the best words she could have possibly said to me that day: "I won't be coming home today anymore". From the kitchen window I saw her getting into my brothers car, so I assume she went to continue drinking at her boyfriends place and complain what an awful son she has and she has done nothing to deserve this.
The next day when she came back (sober) it was just like it always used to be in my childhood - as if the previous day had never happened. And judging by her vocal tone and the way she talked to me, it was like we had never been better. She even thanked me for throwing all the firewood in the basement.
On the 10th I start with my first work day. Wish me luck! :)
The Leftovers OST / Max Richter - 02 The Departure
Wednesday, September 14, 2022
Friday, November 23, 2018
The Prodigal Son Returns
On the 9th of November I stepped on Estonian soil again. It had been a little over two years since I had been here last and as soon as I got back, I felt like in a way I had never been away.
I got to Tallinn around 1PM and as per usual - it was a cloudy and a cold day. I went and bought myself a SIM card, so I could get in touch with my mother and got myself a coffee (oh, how I had missed the CoffeIn's lattes).
After I had gotten in contact with the world again I sent a quick streak snap (me and Cam were really close to reaching 600 days in a row and I had no intention in blowing it) and told my mother I'm safely on my motherlands surface again. After doing that I walked to the train station, got myself a ticket back to Tapa and preceded on waiting for the train. Once on the train, I didn't have anything to do for the next hour, so I just pulled out my laptop and enjoyed some unseen episodes of "Shameless" (the US version).
As soon as I stepped off the train, mother was in tears again, hugging me like there's no tomorrow. She said that she couldn't believe that I'm back and to be honest, neither did I. In my head I had thought that when I do come back, it'll be just for a visit, but not to live again. But y'know - life doesn't always turn out the way we'd hope. Since we had some time to kill until the bus, then we went and sat at the bus station's bar. I had a Thick soup (seljanka) and black bread, which I hadn't had in a long time and a cup of coffee. She just took a huge glass of tomato juice and enjoyed that while I downed the soup and had my coffee.
Around 4:30PM, the bus pulled up and she sent me on it. At some point she had gotten a bicycle with a tiny rechargeable motor on it, so she took that to and from work every day. She just told me to light the fire in the fireplace once I got home and she should be back in a little while too.
Once she had gotten back, we had dinner, watched some TV, talked a little more and by 9PM she was out like a light and I went to watch "Shameless" in the other room until I fell asleep about an hour or so later.
The next day we got up nice and early and got a bus to Rakvere. I had only one pair of shoes and they were not meant for winter, so we went to get me something a little more appropriate. While there we also caught up with my godmother who has quite happy to see me, as I was to see her, though she has become one of those people with whom I don't know what to talk about, so I mostly just stood aside and let mom chat with her. After about 15 minutes or so, we were already back to the bus station (because we had found the boots already before going for the quick visit to my godmothers work place), where we waited for the bus to take us back home. While waiting, I remember mom stepping aside for a moment to have a cigarette and though it had been over a month of me quitting, I still wanted to go with her so bad and just suck that cancer stick like it's the last thing I do.
After exiting the bus and before heading home, we stopped by my mother's friend's place. Or is he mom's boyfriend. I don't know what to call him. They were married for a few months about two years ago, but I have no idea what kind of a relationship they have nowadays. They seem close, but eh... Don't care, as long as she's happy.
He seemed okay. Having a hangover, so mom made him some soup and they made me coffee, so I just sat there, talked a bit, but mostly let these two do the talking themselves and just waited until it was time to leave again. Once we got home, initially we had planned on going to the shed and getting some firewood, but since it was so cold, we decided on doing that the next day and we just stayed inside for the remainder or the day.
On Sunday the highlight of the day was carrying firewood home and then just staying home for the rest of the day.
On Monday, mom had agreed with grandmother that I come and visit her. I arrived there around lunch time and it was really great to see her, though at the same time extremely sad. First she (as usual) sat me down and made me eat. xD When I was younger she always made me rice soup or pancakes. At the moment all she had were potatoes and meat fresh out from the oven, but they were still really really delicious. So I put butter on the black bread, took some milk and had a great meal. After that I went and sat by her side on the living-room couch and tried to have a conversation. But it's quite difficult when she can barely hear me and I have to talk really loud to get through and it doesn't feel like I'm having a conversation, instead it just feels like I'm screaming at her, because she's too proud to wear her hearing-aid.
As great as it was seeing her, the sad part was hearing about her days. Most of the days she just spends at home, because it's difficult for her to walk, so she doesn't go out, unless someone takes her. On weekdays the first half of the day she sits around and does god-knows-what and then the rest of the day she she spends watching her soap operas, until 9PM when it's time to watch the news after which she goes to sleep to get back up at 5AM or so to start the cycle again. On weekends it's basically the same, just that she doesn't have her soaps to watch. Mom visits her every so often to get her stuff from the store and other relatives visit her sometimes too, though not so often (which is strange to see, because mom had always been the "black sheep" in that family and thus she used to be the one who visits grandmother less than others from mom's sister's side).
When I was younger I used to play lots of board games with grandmother and I thought about doing the same that day, but for some reason decided not to and instead head out, even though there was still a little time until the bus.
So I went to see what mom was up to. At the moment she is working as a cleaner in a nursing home and I was curious to see what it looks like from inside, but she thought it would be best if I don't come in. So we just stayed outside, chatted until she was done with her cigarette and off I went. She asked me to get some more tomato juice for her, so I went and did that and then caught the bus back to my village and stayed home for the rest of the day again.
The following three days I spent at home, not once leaving it. Mostly because it was cold outside and also there's absolutely nothing to do in this god-forsaken village. So I just stayed in, watched my TV shows and looked for jobs online, sending out resumes to places where I thought I might have a chance of getting a position. I was also trying to find a place in the capital again, even though I had no idea how I was going to pay for it without a job yet, but at least I wanted to see what my options were.
On Friday I went to Rakvere again. Since my brother works there and he lives right next door to mom, he was kind enough to take me with him. It was pretty great to drive with him, because even though he has grown into this really cool man (who is expected to become a father in the beginning of next spring), in my mind I still see him as this small little boy who I helped raise until I left home when I was 18 (and he was 10). And even though we don't talk that much with him in general (because he's kind of an introvert and it's not that easy to talk to him, because we also have nothing in common), I still think very highly of him and always wish him the best.
I went to Rakvere to get myself signed up at the Unemployment agency. Mom was hoping that I would get some sort of financial support from them, but after waiting there for an hour and then spending about half an hour with the consultant, I found out that I wasn't eligible for the support, because for the past two years I hadn't been working in Estonia and working in Australia didn't count. So the best they could do for me was to send me job applications and that was it. After great news like that I took the bus again, but this time I took it straight to Tapa, were I went to see my GP. Ideally you are supposed to have an appointment, but at the registration the lady told me that I should just go and sit behind the doc's door and the nurse will take it from there.
There were quite a few people waiting behind the door and the nurse was in and out many times and she saw me there 100%, but only decided to come talk to me about an hour later, when it was a little past 1PM. Obviously she wasn't happy that I didn't have an appointment (even though I told her that I was just told to come and sit here, instead of being told to set an appointment and go back home), but she still agreed to let me go see the doc (also the doc was only supposed to accept patients until 1PM that day).
So after waiting a little bit more, I finally got to see the doc who asked me a few things, checked my temperature, my blood-pressure, my tonsils (I told her they have been swollen for about a month or so now) and gave me some pills to what she thought is IBS and some pain killers for my mild chest pains and mild pains on the left side of my body. Weird thing was that she told me that the pain killers would be in a powder form, but once I got to the pharmacy, they sold me tablets and I was too much in a rush to ask them about it or go back to the nurse to ask about it. So instead once I got home, I didn't take the pain pills at all and I'll just ask about them once I see the doc again.
On the previous evening there were some harsh words exchanged with mother, so the atmosphere from now on was totally different. Instead of a cheerful greeting, there would be a "hello" mumbled from the corner of our mouths and basically that would be it. If in the previous week, after mom would get home, we'd both sit in the lounge, watch TV and talk, then from that day forward, I'd just let her in, once she got home and then come back to the other room and continue doing whatever I as doing on the laptop (either looking for a job or watching "The Leftovers" that I was binging at that time).
She got upset with me that I used an electric kettle, instead of putting a regular kettle on the stove, as it was already hot anyway. I told her that since I'm not used to the fire stove, then I just didn't think of that, but she still wouldn't let go and kept on badgering me about it and eventually I just snapped and told her to go away and that with her tone she's going to take me to the grave, because I felt my blood-pressure go quite high. Strange using her own words against her (that she constantly told me when I was young). Now she's so upset, she barely talks to me. I do feel a little bad hurting her, but at that time it was the truth and I'm not taking it back. And why should I? I can't count the times she was a total nightmare to me when I was growing up, without any good reason and I don't hear any apologies for those times. Not that she actually needs to, as it doesn't change the past, but it would be nice still.
Also the other day I was eating dinner in the other room (there's only the lounge and the bedroom, where I am mostly at lately) and the light was on. Sure, okay the first 30 minutes or so, I was chatting with a friend and the dinner was sort of set aside. Then I started eating and while doing so I hear mother from the lounge: "Are you still eating?" I'm like: "Yeah, I am". And after that silence. Once I got done with eating, I took the plates and stuff to the kitchen and while coming back to the bedroom, I asked her why she asked her question earlier and she said: "Because the light was still on." Immediately I realized that obviously if I wouldn't have been eating, the light should have been turned off to conserve electricity, but as to me having the light on is such a small thing (because it doesn't take that much electricity, as it's just one small regular bulb, not a huge halogen lamp or something like that), so I just scoffed and went back to my laptop.
From Saturday until Monday I sat at home again. Partly watching my shows, partly searching for work and sending out resumes and looking for a flat in the capital.
But instead of finding a perfect flat, I think I found the perfect room with a guy who's as open minded as I am.
On Tuesday (20.11.2018) we called each other for the first time. On the previous evening we had been chatting online for hours and now we called and chatted on the phone for hours. Before the call, I went outside to walk around and go see places I used to hang out as a kid. But only reached the bridge near the river and didn't dare going on, because it was cold and as mom at some point had mentioned, there were quite a few bear sightings near our woods, so my paranoia kicked in and I walked back home. In some ways I think I have found myself a place to live in the capital again.
Now all I have to do is meet up with him and see if his dog likes me (apparently that dog is good at reading people and if the dog doesn't like me, then it's a no go) and find a way to pay for the deposit.
Wednesday was also spent home, staring at my laptop's screen again, but on Thursday I got to go and see the capital again. This time it was so that I could have a job interview, which unfortunately was a total bust, but it was still great to get out of the apartment.
The interview as a bust, because when I applied to it, then it appeared to be a regular phone job, where people would be calling in and I'd be answering questions about the stuff the company sells in Russian (and in spoken Russian I'm pretty good). But once I got there, they wanted me to take a written test and in writing I'm pretty bad. Turned out in addition to answering phone calls, I'd also have to answer their customers via chats and those would have to be in Russian and since I can't write in that language at all, we agreed that it's pointless to even take the test, so I thanked the interviewer and left the office. I was there for about 2 minutes maximum. xD
Then I just went out for a walk on the city. Even though it was a cold day, it was still nice to walk around. At one point I ran into my first supervisor from the company where I had worked for 6 years. She was still her old cheerful self, even though a lot of stuff had been happening to her since the last time we saw each other. Though as much as I liked running into her and as much as I love her as a person, it was also quite difficult in a way to run into anyone like that, because it was so random and came out of nowhere and in moments like that I freeze up in a way. Of course I maintained my smile and did some chit-chatting, but inside I was stiff as a board and all I wanted to do was run away and do this again when I'm more ready. Luckily (or sadly) she was on her lunch break, so she didn't have that much time anyway, so we said our farewells and off I went.
It was quite strange walking down the path I had walked so many times before moving to Australia. I walked past my old work place and everything was still as it was before (only the building across the road from it was now completed). The next two hours I spent just wandering around aimlessly in the small city center. I had made plans with a friend to meet up for a coffee, but since there was a lot of time until that, I managed to walk around the city center and also in the Old Town and take snaps of it to send to my friends abroad.
One strange thing happened when I was stepping into one of the huge malls in the center of the city. While walking in, I felt a little lightheaded. Either it was from all the coffee I had had (two cups before leaving the house in the morning and the third one in one of the CoffeeIn shops in Tallinn) or it was the sudden temperature change once I got into the mall or it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything that day and had done A LOT of walking around, but I just felt a sudden urge to sit down. Luckily that mall has seats available, so I was able to park my behind on one of these chairs and take a moment. My left shoulder had been aching also that day, so perhaps that had something to do with feeling like I would pass out. But luckily after sitting down for a few minutes, I felt okay enough to move again, so I headed back outside and walked around until it was time to meet up with my friend.
After a quick lunch with someone I hadn't seen in more than three or four years, he took me to the Baltic Railway station and off I was again to Tapa, from where I took the bus to my home village again.
Even though the interview that day was a bust, I finally got an e-mail from the company that I actually want to work for, because one of my friends works there and he has told me good things about that company, so I'm not blindly walking into something bad. After a few e-mail exchanges, we agreed that I'll come for an interview next Friday, the 30th of November.
Writing all of this, I can't believe I'm doing this all over again. I feel like I'm back in the beginning, when I was 18, starting from scratch again - no money, no job, no place to live, just a lot of different kind of experiences.
In some ways it's kind of cool, because I don't know what's coming, but another way it sucks (and not in a good way), because I don't know what's coming... It also sucks (and in some ways it's embarrassing) to be 30 and not being able to stand on my own to feet. But then again I'm blessed to have the things and the people that I have, because there are people out there who have much less then I do, so I shouldn't complain. :)
Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart
I got to Tallinn around 1PM and as per usual - it was a cloudy and a cold day. I went and bought myself a SIM card, so I could get in touch with my mother and got myself a coffee (oh, how I had missed the CoffeIn's lattes).
After I had gotten in contact with the world again I sent a quick streak snap (me and Cam were really close to reaching 600 days in a row and I had no intention in blowing it) and told my mother I'm safely on my motherlands surface again. After doing that I walked to the train station, got myself a ticket back to Tapa and preceded on waiting for the train. Once on the train, I didn't have anything to do for the next hour, so I just pulled out my laptop and enjoyed some unseen episodes of "Shameless" (the US version).
As soon as I stepped off the train, mother was in tears again, hugging me like there's no tomorrow. She said that she couldn't believe that I'm back and to be honest, neither did I. In my head I had thought that when I do come back, it'll be just for a visit, but not to live again. But y'know - life doesn't always turn out the way we'd hope. Since we had some time to kill until the bus, then we went and sat at the bus station's bar. I had a Thick soup (seljanka) and black bread, which I hadn't had in a long time and a cup of coffee. She just took a huge glass of tomato juice and enjoyed that while I downed the soup and had my coffee.
Around 4:30PM, the bus pulled up and she sent me on it. At some point she had gotten a bicycle with a tiny rechargeable motor on it, so she took that to and from work every day. She just told me to light the fire in the fireplace once I got home and she should be back in a little while too.
Once she had gotten back, we had dinner, watched some TV, talked a little more and by 9PM she was out like a light and I went to watch "Shameless" in the other room until I fell asleep about an hour or so later.
The next day we got up nice and early and got a bus to Rakvere. I had only one pair of shoes and they were not meant for winter, so we went to get me something a little more appropriate. While there we also caught up with my godmother who has quite happy to see me, as I was to see her, though she has become one of those people with whom I don't know what to talk about, so I mostly just stood aside and let mom chat with her. After about 15 minutes or so, we were already back to the bus station (because we had found the boots already before going for the quick visit to my godmothers work place), where we waited for the bus to take us back home. While waiting, I remember mom stepping aside for a moment to have a cigarette and though it had been over a month of me quitting, I still wanted to go with her so bad and just suck that cancer stick like it's the last thing I do.
After exiting the bus and before heading home, we stopped by my mother's friend's place. Or is he mom's boyfriend. I don't know what to call him. They were married for a few months about two years ago, but I have no idea what kind of a relationship they have nowadays. They seem close, but eh... Don't care, as long as she's happy.
He seemed okay. Having a hangover, so mom made him some soup and they made me coffee, so I just sat there, talked a bit, but mostly let these two do the talking themselves and just waited until it was time to leave again. Once we got home, initially we had planned on going to the shed and getting some firewood, but since it was so cold, we decided on doing that the next day and we just stayed inside for the remainder or the day.
On Sunday the highlight of the day was carrying firewood home and then just staying home for the rest of the day.
On Monday, mom had agreed with grandmother that I come and visit her. I arrived there around lunch time and it was really great to see her, though at the same time extremely sad. First she (as usual) sat me down and made me eat. xD When I was younger she always made me rice soup or pancakes. At the moment all she had were potatoes and meat fresh out from the oven, but they were still really really delicious. So I put butter on the black bread, took some milk and had a great meal. After that I went and sat by her side on the living-room couch and tried to have a conversation. But it's quite difficult when she can barely hear me and I have to talk really loud to get through and it doesn't feel like I'm having a conversation, instead it just feels like I'm screaming at her, because she's too proud to wear her hearing-aid.
As great as it was seeing her, the sad part was hearing about her days. Most of the days she just spends at home, because it's difficult for her to walk, so she doesn't go out, unless someone takes her. On weekdays the first half of the day she sits around and does god-knows-what and then the rest of the day she she spends watching her soap operas, until 9PM when it's time to watch the news after which she goes to sleep to get back up at 5AM or so to start the cycle again. On weekends it's basically the same, just that she doesn't have her soaps to watch. Mom visits her every so often to get her stuff from the store and other relatives visit her sometimes too, though not so often (which is strange to see, because mom had always been the "black sheep" in that family and thus she used to be the one who visits grandmother less than others from mom's sister's side).
When I was younger I used to play lots of board games with grandmother and I thought about doing the same that day, but for some reason decided not to and instead head out, even though there was still a little time until the bus.
So I went to see what mom was up to. At the moment she is working as a cleaner in a nursing home and I was curious to see what it looks like from inside, but she thought it would be best if I don't come in. So we just stayed outside, chatted until she was done with her cigarette and off I went. She asked me to get some more tomato juice for her, so I went and did that and then caught the bus back to my village and stayed home for the rest of the day again.
The following three days I spent at home, not once leaving it. Mostly because it was cold outside and also there's absolutely nothing to do in this god-forsaken village. So I just stayed in, watched my TV shows and looked for jobs online, sending out resumes to places where I thought I might have a chance of getting a position. I was also trying to find a place in the capital again, even though I had no idea how I was going to pay for it without a job yet, but at least I wanted to see what my options were.
On Friday I went to Rakvere again. Since my brother works there and he lives right next door to mom, he was kind enough to take me with him. It was pretty great to drive with him, because even though he has grown into this really cool man (who is expected to become a father in the beginning of next spring), in my mind I still see him as this small little boy who I helped raise until I left home when I was 18 (and he was 10). And even though we don't talk that much with him in general (because he's kind of an introvert and it's not that easy to talk to him, because we also have nothing in common), I still think very highly of him and always wish him the best.
I went to Rakvere to get myself signed up at the Unemployment agency. Mom was hoping that I would get some sort of financial support from them, but after waiting there for an hour and then spending about half an hour with the consultant, I found out that I wasn't eligible for the support, because for the past two years I hadn't been working in Estonia and working in Australia didn't count. So the best they could do for me was to send me job applications and that was it. After great news like that I took the bus again, but this time I took it straight to Tapa, were I went to see my GP. Ideally you are supposed to have an appointment, but at the registration the lady told me that I should just go and sit behind the doc's door and the nurse will take it from there.
There were quite a few people waiting behind the door and the nurse was in and out many times and she saw me there 100%, but only decided to come talk to me about an hour later, when it was a little past 1PM. Obviously she wasn't happy that I didn't have an appointment (even though I told her that I was just told to come and sit here, instead of being told to set an appointment and go back home), but she still agreed to let me go see the doc (also the doc was only supposed to accept patients until 1PM that day).
So after waiting a little bit more, I finally got to see the doc who asked me a few things, checked my temperature, my blood-pressure, my tonsils (I told her they have been swollen for about a month or so now) and gave me some pills to what she thought is IBS and some pain killers for my mild chest pains and mild pains on the left side of my body. Weird thing was that she told me that the pain killers would be in a powder form, but once I got to the pharmacy, they sold me tablets and I was too much in a rush to ask them about it or go back to the nurse to ask about it. So instead once I got home, I didn't take the pain pills at all and I'll just ask about them once I see the doc again.
On the previous evening there were some harsh words exchanged with mother, so the atmosphere from now on was totally different. Instead of a cheerful greeting, there would be a "hello" mumbled from the corner of our mouths and basically that would be it. If in the previous week, after mom would get home, we'd both sit in the lounge, watch TV and talk, then from that day forward, I'd just let her in, once she got home and then come back to the other room and continue doing whatever I as doing on the laptop (either looking for a job or watching "The Leftovers" that I was binging at that time).
She got upset with me that I used an electric kettle, instead of putting a regular kettle on the stove, as it was already hot anyway. I told her that since I'm not used to the fire stove, then I just didn't think of that, but she still wouldn't let go and kept on badgering me about it and eventually I just snapped and told her to go away and that with her tone she's going to take me to the grave, because I felt my blood-pressure go quite high. Strange using her own words against her (that she constantly told me when I was young). Now she's so upset, she barely talks to me. I do feel a little bad hurting her, but at that time it was the truth and I'm not taking it back. And why should I? I can't count the times she was a total nightmare to me when I was growing up, without any good reason and I don't hear any apologies for those times. Not that she actually needs to, as it doesn't change the past, but it would be nice still.
Also the other day I was eating dinner in the other room (there's only the lounge and the bedroom, where I am mostly at lately) and the light was on. Sure, okay the first 30 minutes or so, I was chatting with a friend and the dinner was sort of set aside. Then I started eating and while doing so I hear mother from the lounge: "Are you still eating?" I'm like: "Yeah, I am". And after that silence. Once I got done with eating, I took the plates and stuff to the kitchen and while coming back to the bedroom, I asked her why she asked her question earlier and she said: "Because the light was still on." Immediately I realized that obviously if I wouldn't have been eating, the light should have been turned off to conserve electricity, but as to me having the light on is such a small thing (because it doesn't take that much electricity, as it's just one small regular bulb, not a huge halogen lamp or something like that), so I just scoffed and went back to my laptop.
From Saturday until Monday I sat at home again. Partly watching my shows, partly searching for work and sending out resumes and looking for a flat in the capital.
But instead of finding a perfect flat, I think I found the perfect room with a guy who's as open minded as I am.
On Tuesday (20.11.2018) we called each other for the first time. On the previous evening we had been chatting online for hours and now we called and chatted on the phone for hours. Before the call, I went outside to walk around and go see places I used to hang out as a kid. But only reached the bridge near the river and didn't dare going on, because it was cold and as mom at some point had mentioned, there were quite a few bear sightings near our woods, so my paranoia kicked in and I walked back home. In some ways I think I have found myself a place to live in the capital again.
Now all I have to do is meet up with him and see if his dog likes me (apparently that dog is good at reading people and if the dog doesn't like me, then it's a no go) and find a way to pay for the deposit.
Wednesday was also spent home, staring at my laptop's screen again, but on Thursday I got to go and see the capital again. This time it was so that I could have a job interview, which unfortunately was a total bust, but it was still great to get out of the apartment.
The interview as a bust, because when I applied to it, then it appeared to be a regular phone job, where people would be calling in and I'd be answering questions about the stuff the company sells in Russian (and in spoken Russian I'm pretty good). But once I got there, they wanted me to take a written test and in writing I'm pretty bad. Turned out in addition to answering phone calls, I'd also have to answer their customers via chats and those would have to be in Russian and since I can't write in that language at all, we agreed that it's pointless to even take the test, so I thanked the interviewer and left the office. I was there for about 2 minutes maximum. xD
Then I just went out for a walk on the city. Even though it was a cold day, it was still nice to walk around. At one point I ran into my first supervisor from the company where I had worked for 6 years. She was still her old cheerful self, even though a lot of stuff had been happening to her since the last time we saw each other. Though as much as I liked running into her and as much as I love her as a person, it was also quite difficult in a way to run into anyone like that, because it was so random and came out of nowhere and in moments like that I freeze up in a way. Of course I maintained my smile and did some chit-chatting, but inside I was stiff as a board and all I wanted to do was run away and do this again when I'm more ready. Luckily (or sadly) she was on her lunch break, so she didn't have that much time anyway, so we said our farewells and off I went.
It was quite strange walking down the path I had walked so many times before moving to Australia. I walked past my old work place and everything was still as it was before (only the building across the road from it was now completed). The next two hours I spent just wandering around aimlessly in the small city center. I had made plans with a friend to meet up for a coffee, but since there was a lot of time until that, I managed to walk around the city center and also in the Old Town and take snaps of it to send to my friends abroad.
One strange thing happened when I was stepping into one of the huge malls in the center of the city. While walking in, I felt a little lightheaded. Either it was from all the coffee I had had (two cups before leaving the house in the morning and the third one in one of the CoffeeIn shops in Tallinn) or it was the sudden temperature change once I got into the mall or it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything that day and had done A LOT of walking around, but I just felt a sudden urge to sit down. Luckily that mall has seats available, so I was able to park my behind on one of these chairs and take a moment. My left shoulder had been aching also that day, so perhaps that had something to do with feeling like I would pass out. But luckily after sitting down for a few minutes, I felt okay enough to move again, so I headed back outside and walked around until it was time to meet up with my friend.
After a quick lunch with someone I hadn't seen in more than three or four years, he took me to the Baltic Railway station and off I was again to Tapa, from where I took the bus to my home village again.
Even though the interview that day was a bust, I finally got an e-mail from the company that I actually want to work for, because one of my friends works there and he has told me good things about that company, so I'm not blindly walking into something bad. After a few e-mail exchanges, we agreed that I'll come for an interview next Friday, the 30th of November.
Writing all of this, I can't believe I'm doing this all over again. I feel like I'm back in the beginning, when I was 18, starting from scratch again - no money, no job, no place to live, just a lot of different kind of experiences.
In some ways it's kind of cool, because I don't know what's coming, but another way it sucks (and not in a good way), because I don't know what's coming... It also sucks (and in some ways it's embarrassing) to be 30 and not being able to stand on my own to feet. But then again I'm blessed to have the things and the people that I have, because there are people out there who have much less then I do, so I shouldn't complain. :)
Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Down Under: A Different Start
Meredith: [voiceover] We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are no better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are all still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths.
I landed in Melbourne on the 4th of November. It was my first time in Australia and by that time the only thought in my mind was: I need a cigarette. That was because during my 13 hour layover in Beijing, I wasn't allowed to leave the airport to have a quick smoke and inside the building there were no smoking facilities, plus they took away my lighter at the security check point. Luckily shortly after exiting the airport a young guy approached me and asked if I had a cigarette. I told him that I'd be happy to share one with him (back then I was blissfully unaware of how crazy-expensive cigarettes are in this country) in exchange for a light.
While smoking happily in this beautiful country, the guy told me that he was a local guy going to Perth for a bit and even gave me his lighter (he had others, plus I got to use this lighter for over a month and a half). He told me that to get into town I have to take a big red double decker, otherwise it's a long walk to the centre (I really should have done my homework first).
So I bought a one-way ticket to the city (18$!!!). Luckily the bus had a wifi, so I was able to get in touch with the world again and activate a sim card that I had purchased earlier from the airport (also still blissfully unaware that though this provider had one of the best network coverages throughout all of Australia, it was also one of the most expensive ones).
I got off from the Southern Cross Station and dragged my ass to the hostel, through a surprisingly warm day (I was expecting something much colder for this time of year). And of course as soon as I stepped out from the station, one of the first things I did - take a quick photo for Instagram, but since I hate looking like a tourist, it took me about 4 seconds to take the picture. Just took my phone out and took a quick snap at a big(ish) intersection. Wasn't one of my masterpieces, but the Instagram filters saved it a bit(ish).
I landed in Melbourne on the 4th of November. It was my first time in Australia and by that time the only thought in my mind was: I need a cigarette. That was because during my 13 hour layover in Beijing, I wasn't allowed to leave the airport to have a quick smoke and inside the building there were no smoking facilities, plus they took away my lighter at the security check point. Luckily shortly after exiting the airport a young guy approached me and asked if I had a cigarette. I told him that I'd be happy to share one with him (back then I was blissfully unaware of how crazy-expensive cigarettes are in this country) in exchange for a light.
While smoking happily in this beautiful country, the guy told me that he was a local guy going to Perth for a bit and even gave me his lighter (he had others, plus I got to use this lighter for over a month and a half). He told me that to get into town I have to take a big red double decker, otherwise it's a long walk to the centre (I really should have done my homework first).
So I bought a one-way ticket to the city (18$!!!). Luckily the bus had a wifi, so I was able to get in touch with the world again and activate a sim card that I had purchased earlier from the airport (also still blissfully unaware that though this provider had one of the best network coverages throughout all of Australia, it was also one of the most expensive ones).
I got off from the Southern Cross Station and dragged my ass to the hostel, through a surprisingly warm day (I was expecting something much colder for this time of year). And of course as soon as I stepped out from the station, one of the first things I did - take a quick photo for Instagram, but since I hate looking like a tourist, it took me about 4 seconds to take the picture. Just took my phone out and took a quick snap at a big(ish) intersection. Wasn't one of my masterpieces, but the Instagram filters saved it a bit(ish).
Sunday, January 22, 2017
The last day in Estonia
Meredith: [voiceover] In the practice of medicine, change is inevitable. New surgical techniques are created, procedures are updated, levels of expertise increase. Innovation is everything, nothing remains the same for long. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.
On the 27th of October, I woke up at 7:19. The alarm was set to wake me up at 6:30 and it did, I just chose to ignore it and kept on hitting the snooze button. :)
Usually when I got up (if it wasn't a weekend) I'd hit the shower, make breakfast and eat (while watching a TV show or a cartoon from my laptop). On that day all I was thinking about, was how to finish packing, get all my shit to my mothers place and get back into the city to reach my flight, which was due in 8 hours.
On the 27th of October, I woke up at 7:19. The alarm was set to wake me up at 6:30 and it did, I just chose to ignore it and kept on hitting the snooze button. :)
Usually when I got up (if it wasn't a weekend) I'd hit the shower, make breakfast and eat (while watching a TV show or a cartoon from my laptop). On that day all I was thinking about, was how to finish packing, get all my shit to my mothers place and get back into the city to reach my flight, which was due in 8 hours.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Starting Again - A Story Of How I Became A Hermit
Meredith: [opening voice-over] Any day where no one died is a good day. Someone said that once. Wait, it was me. I said it. Any day you wake up and your body is still moving is a good day. You can start over. You can forget your past mistakes. You can make a new start. Live everyday like it's your last. All that crap they put on pillows and car bumpers, it's all true. You're alive. Respect that. Not everybody is.
I just reread my last post and I can't believe how much has changed. True, it has been a little over four years, but still. I can't even recognise the person who wrote those texts anymore.
The current situation is that I live alone on the edge of Tallinn and work in a huge company as an analyst (that's my job title, but at the moment, there's not that much of analysing, as much as there's data entry (by making and managing work schedules for approx. 500 people)). :)
The current situation is that I live alone on the edge of Tallinn and work in a huge company as an analyst (that's my job title, but at the moment, there's not that much of analysing, as much as there's data entry (by making and managing work schedules for approx. 500 people)). :)
But let's do a little cap up of the past few years. :)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
In the Army and the guests from Russia
Every day is like a blank page. You can wake up in the morning feeling like: "Oh shit, another day has begun!", but at the end of the day you feel better. And what sometimes makes it funnier... Nothing big happened during that day, you just feel better. Better, because you did the things you loved and just was yourself throughout the day.
6.01 – Tanel & Taki were sick during that day, which automatically means that there ain't going to be any party. When Taki is sick, then yes, there is hope, but when they're both down... Nothing! But it was okay! On that particular day I was sooo not in a party mood, I just wanted to stay home and that's exactly what I did.
8.01 – As far as I knew, it was supposed to be our every-Sunday-evening movie night. But since I was still scared of what the hell I might have said to Mr L, then I didn't want to go. I was scared that I might have said some things that I shouldn't have and embarrassed me and him. Lord knows, I'm not the quietest drunk. :D So that's why I went to the office, to do some work.
At one point my co-worker Inna came there, we did some things together, had coffee and later we went out to walk in the Old Town. It was a lovely winter evening, with good company.
After that I came home and found out, that for some reason there was no movie night. Turned out that the only person, who went, was Laura. No one else went... I don't know why, I never asked.
12.01 – In the morning I sat on a bus and drove to Tapa, to see my General Practitioner for some tests, that I needed the next day. After that I drove home to my mother's place. It was completely empty, so I just sat around, watching TV. She had written me a letter, saying that there is food in the freezer and that I should light a fire in the kitchen and the living room (a
stove or oven or whatever they are called). I hadn't done that in years, so I was quite pleased with myself when I succeeded on my first try.
Later brother and mom came home, we chatted for a while, watched TV and went to sleep quite early, because mom has to get up at 4:30AM on every other week and that was the week.
13.01 – I have never been a superstitious person, but boooy did I HATE that particular Friday. I had to wake up at SIX AM, so I could take a quick shower, stuff food in my face and run out the door to walk about a km, while carrying a backpack and a bag that my mother had stuffed with all sorts of foods (like she usually does), which weighed about 5kg (for me – a person, who
does NO physical exercises, that was HELL). And when I had almost reached the bus station, I saw the bus coming from far away, so I ran like hell to the bus stop and luckily got on it. I was sooo out of breath, you have no idea.
About 45 minutes later I arrived in Rakvere. I dropped my bags off at my Godmothers workplace and headed out to find my destination with my GPS system that I used for the very first time.
It got me close to my destination, but not quite close, so I was quite lost for a moment, but eventually I found it.
The place where I had to go, was The Army's Medical committee. That's why I needed a medical certificate from my own doctor. So I got there on time, about 5 minutes before 8:30 and there were already about 20 boys waiting and more kept on coming.
After about 20 minutes of waiting a woman came out and explained to us, what we had to do. The newcomers had to go to the hospital, to take some tests and then come back to that place to see three more doctors. We got some papers and off we went.
First place I went, was audiometry, where they checked my hearing. As the nice lady said, everything was exactly as it should be.
The second place was blood analysis. I HATE when people poke me with needles, that's why I always look away. I know it doesn't hurt (much), I just can't look at it. I do that even when I go and donate blood - look away, while the woman inserts the huge ass needle in my arm.
After that there was EKG and the X-ray.
And the last thing I had to do was to pee in a cup. Gosh, what was soo weird, I had never done that before and I hope I never have to! :D
I got back to the first place around noon and then started the waiting. There were about 20 guys in front of me.
After about an hour waiting, I got to see the first doctor in that building - the surgeon. She was a nice woman. I took my top off and she examined my back and spine and recommended me to see a dermatologist for my back acne. She said, it doesn't look that bad, but if I wait for it to pass, it's gonna leave scars. Otherwise was good.
The second doctor I saw after about a half an hour of waiting - the local General Practitioner. She didn't do much, just asked a few questions and I was out.
The last one - psychiatrist, took more time than the others. Firstly - that was not the psychiatrist, that was supposed to be there on that day. The original one had some sort of an accident on that same day, so the organizers just found the closest one and she was it. But before they could find her, everyone had to wait for a couple of hours. The psychiatrist should've arrived at 10AM, but arrived around noon.
So... A couple of hours waiting and I got in. I have no idea, what happened, but I panicked as soon as I got in. I realized - THIS is my LAST chance to get out of here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me physically, so this is IT. My palms started sweating and when she asked me questions, like where I'm from and why did I move away from home and stuff like that, I
stuttered. Not intentionally, I was just a little panicking. And then she asked me THE question: Are you ready for army? "No!" I said, not even taking a moment to think about it. "Why not?" she asked. She saw that there was something, that I wasn't comfortable sharing, so I took my time and gave her my sob story: "I have finally gotten the life I wanted. I have chosen
friends around me, who make me feel safe and free. Throughout almost all my childhood I was teased, for being different (never for being gay, just different, but I didn't tell her that) and I'm finally satisfied (not happy) with my life and I don't want to go back. The thing is, that I'm gay!" I had to say no more, her look said it all. She was an understanding woman. No judgment or anything. She took one book and started to look for reasons to let me off the hook. At first she wanted to give me an extension for a year, so I could come to her one more time and tell the same story, with one more doctor with her, so they could evaluate my state and then give their final word, but she was a compassionate woman. "I, as a person and as a psychiatrist with a 20 year experience, understand you, but those other people, who are in the other room, might not!" she said. But after a long 5 minute torment of looking through the book, she finally found something with FF and some numbers, which she wrote down and I was done with her.
I had to get the papers back to the General Practitioner, because she was the head of them all. She signed the papers and then I had to take the papers to the room, where was the woman, who in the morning gave the instructions. She made the final decision, which took about two more hours of waiting. All so I could just go in, find out, that I'm never going to get any invitations to army and I'm free to go after I sign here, here and here! :D
You have no idea, what relief I felt!!!
And it was quite funny... Friends, who knew about me going there asked me, how I'm gonna get off and I said, that I'm gonna count on the compassion of the psychiatrist, because there is nothing else I can do, but to be honest. And that worked! :) See! Sometimes (not always) honesty IS the best policy! :)
When it all ended, my mother's workday had also ended, so she came to greet me with warm food, she had bought at her work.
First, I gave her a gigantic hug and then I said: "What kind of a mother are you?" :D "You don't leave a nice letter to your son in the morning, with "You're going to the army, accept it!" written on the corner of it on the day that is going to be HELL for your son!" "Yeah, but it's better to accept it and then find out, that you won't go!" "Nakaa! Not with me!" I laughed. :)
We went to my Godmothers place to eat and chat until it was time to go on the bus. Mom escorted me, hugged me with tears in her eyes (as is normal for her) and I sat in that bus feeling happier than ever.
In the evening Lii came over and the others and we had a very good evening with lots of laughter, booze and good company. Lii decided, that she's too tipsy to come out and I decided I'm too happy to stay home, so I put her to bed and went out dancing.
There I met RK, with whom I danced a lot. Later we wanted to go to G-Point, but they had some special evening there and wanted 5€ for entry and we decided, that for G, that was too much, so the others went home and I went to escort RK home. We had a very nice walk and we talked like we used to, a long time ago, when he used to come to my place every Saturday to watch gay themed movies (because I was the only person, he could do that with). I sent him to his door and came home by bus and went to sleep.
Oh, that was a fun day! :D
14.01 - Was the day, my friend Hando came back to live in Estonia.
Thanks to Lii I had to wake up at noon. We chatted a bit and after a little while, she left. I stayed up, watched my TV shows and around 5 PM I fell asleep.When I woke up three hours later, everyone was already at our place, chatting in the living room. Moments later, vodka was on
the table and the party could begin.
From my company, I was the only one who went out. I met Sven and we went to dance in X-Bar. I saw Mr L's friend there, so I started talking with him. The guy had recently moved to Tallinn, from Tartu. Half of the night I talked with him and the other half I danced and drank with Sven. :D
After that came G-Punkt with lots of dancing and then I came home.
16.01 - After work I came home, ate and watched my TV shows. At one point I decided to treat myself with going to the movies. I went to see "The darkest hour" all by myself. The movie was OK. I LOVED that when they spoke Russian, I could actually understand it and my heart jumped every time they did that, because usually in American movies, they TRY to speak it, but most of the time fail miserably. I remember "Alias" wanted their actors to speak Russian at some scenes and I just cried inside, because it was so ugly! :D
Luckily I caught the last bus, so I didn't have to walk home.
19.01 - I decided to rearrange my room. That was the most cleaning I had done in ages. Four hours of hard labour and voila - everything was different and there is now more room, than ever .
20.01 - One friend from Saint Peterburg was supposed to come and spend the weekend at my place. He likes Tallinn and he wanted to spend the weekend here and I was like yea, sure, you can sleep at my place. And so he came. With a friend, who supposedly invited himself along on the last minute. They were supposed to arrive around 7PM, but they missed the last bus in Narva, so at first they just wondered around, trying to figure out, how to get here and finally they took a cab for 100€ and arrived here around 11PM.
My usual group was already here and the every-Friday-gathering was in full motion. At one point I got the courage to talk to Laura. She was alone in the kitchen, so I just attacked her! :D I went there and I asked, what kind of impression I left on the day, that I walked her home, a negative one? She was like: "No, I wouldn't say negative, I'd say selfish!" (because most of the
talking I did, was "me", "me", "me".) And you know what I felt, when she said that? RELEAVED! I smiled and I left the kitchen feeling quite pleased with myself! :D Yes, I'm selfish, but I don't think I'm enough selfish, I still care too much about what others think of me. But that's slowly changing. ;) Not like BANG and I'm different, but just slowly - one day at a time! :)After the travelers got here, they unpacked and we went out. My friend is 25 and quite... Big! :D And he brought along a slim 18 year old co-worker (who originally is from Slovenia). He was quite cute, but WAY too skinny and young for my taste.
When we got out, the Dealer was there too (I had invited him to my place, because I wanted some other Russian speaking person to be here too, when they arrived, but he said, that he already had other plans, so we met outside).
And instantly the Dealer and the 18 year old boy hit it off, leaving me with my friend.
And boy what a horror that was! He got SO drunk! I had to babysit him throughout the whole evening! I did have my share of fun (with others). Lots of dancing in X-Bar and later in G-Punkt one total stranger just bough me a drink, just for no reason at all. I was quite shocked, because no one has ever done that. There's always a reason, but he didn't have one. So to thank him,
I dragged his ass to the dance floor and gave him a couple of dances. Later we chatted a bit in the smoking room, but he quickly found himself other chatting partners, so our talk was brief.
The Dealer and the young guy went to sauna, so after a while my friend wanted to go after them. So we did.
I didn't actually want to go, I just wanted to go home, because babysitting that, was horror. We were in sauna about an hour, before the others decided to go get a hotel and my friend wanted to eat. So the others left me with him and we went to a pizzeria. At one point I took his phone and called the Dealer with an SOS message: "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Tomorrow you better
be with us!!!".
After that we finished our pizzas and came to my place and found that the others were already here. Turns out, they misunderstood my call and thought we were already home, so they came straight over, waking up my roommates, to get in. I gave them my bed and slept on the floor with my friend. We got home about 8AM.
21.01 - I woke up around 11AM and went to the kitchen, because the Dealer and the young guy were... They weren't noisy or anything, just my hungry and trained ears can pick up any small noise, so I just left to give them their privacy. The young guy had never been to Estonia before, so I was happy that his first time was so... Joyous! :D
When Taki woke up, he was QUITE mad at he. Telling me that this isn't a hotel and what happened in the morning shouldn't happen AT ALL. I said: "I'm sorry" quite many times, until I just left the room he was in. It's not my fault! It was all a misunderstanding! I said I'm sorry, what else could he want?
The others decided they want to eat, so we went to the city. They ate in Lido, that's in Solaris center. I just sat there and tried not to die, because I had no money to buy food and I was certainly not gonna tell them that. After they had eaten, we decided to take a walk in the Old Town. The Dealer and the young guy HELD HANDS almost all the time. Geesh, I didn't know where to hide my eyes. That made me soooo uncomfortable, because in Estonia no one does that (I mean gay guys). At night you could get beaten for that, but during the day (and in the Old Town) it's kinda okay, but I was sooo uncomfortable. My friend wanted to do the same for me, but I was like: "Hell no! I'm not that kind of a person!" We showed them some sights and the Dealer told them a lot about our history. I don't really care much about history, therefore I don't
remember it, but it was quite interesting to listen to him. :)
After that we went to some other pizzeria, to have a warm drink and just to relax. It was already about 5PM and I was hungry as hell. They decided to go to the movies, so I told them I'm gonna come home, which I did.
I got home, ate like a pig and just LOVED the quiet (and my TV shows).
Only my friend came around 9PM, because the Dealer took the young guy to his place to have a final romantic evening together.
Hando was here too. We chatted, he was trying to find someone interesting from Gayromeo and around 11PM he was gone... I was alone with my friend.
I told him, that he had been QUITE tipsy the other night and I wasn't that happy and that I didn't have any money to go out with him on that day. He said don't worry, I'm not usually that drunk and I'm gonna prove it to you today by buying you drinks and being good.
And that he was. The evening turned out to be okay. Nothing big. Just a little dancing in X-Bar (which is usually quite empty on Saturdays) and G-Point.
Highlight of the evening was when one straight guy got jealous over me asking her girl to dance. I saw them dancing and the girl had some rockin' moves and at one point I went over and asked her if I could have a dance with her. She was okay with that, but the guy got so pissed and went away. The girl was like: "It's okay, I know in what kind of a place I am and I've known him for two days!" :D
After dancing my friend wanted to go to sauna, because he didn't remember much about the previous evening and he wanted to remember this one. So we went and stayed there about 1,5 hours and then came home to sleep. I let my friend sleep on the bed this time and I slept on the floor.
22.01 - We woke up around noon and the younger guy came here too. The Dealer didn't come in, he just dropped the guy off and left. The young guys eyes were sooo red from crying. "I
hate saying good-bye!" he said. Kinda sweet, doncha think? :)
TheY packed for an hour and then called a cab and left. I gave them both a hug and waved. When I closed the door, I was like "THANK GOD, IT'S OVER!!!" I turned on my TV, dropped myself in my bed and that's how I spent the rest of the evening. At one point I asked Taki, is there no movie night and he said, that there will be no more movie nights, that they had all decided, that the movie nights time had come to an end. Kinda sad... Not much, just a little! :D
I'm sad, that I won't get to show them my movies anymore, I still have my lists of movies, that I wanted to show, but hey...
Everything has an end. One day, when I find a boyfriend, I'll make him watch my movies! xD
23.01 - Begun the Year of the Dragon - aka MY YEAR!!! WIIIII! :D
24.01 - One of the new things, that I brought to the New Year (since the middle of December) is that I do a lot of walking. About two to four times a week. When I have the evening shift, then I walk to work and when I have the morning shift, then I walk home. It's about a 45 minute walk, which is perfect, because every time I get to listen to one episode of "Desperate
Housewives". I started with season 6 and now I'm on season 7 (after what I'm gonna start from season 1 until the very end). The schools psychologist said, that I need to find something that would relieve the stress. She said that if I would be a middle aged man, she would recommend seeing a doctor, because I have a high risk of heart failure, but since I'm so young I should find something. Training or gym as she said. Hell no! Have you seen the prices they want for a month of gym? No, no!
But now I think I found my "thing". It's perfect, because I LOVE walking and I LOVE the housewives. I love watching them and I love hearing them. There is something about their voices, that soothes me (especially Mary-Alice's).
Even though it had been a LOOONG day at work and again I was in my "dead" zone (the zone, where I feel absolutely nothing - no anger, pain, joy... Nothing!) and for absolutely no reason at all. But when I got home, I was feeling good again (tired as hell, but still good). My mood was better.
But that's not the only change I'm gonna make this year. There is a lot on the way, I just don't want to rush anything. One change at a time and in time, I think I'm gonna be happy again. :)
At least here's hoping .! :)
And now a song about my God i.e. my (future) husband:
Susan Boyle - You Have To Be There