Stories we don't talk about much

1. "Evil"

Picture this! Middle of July, 2005. Hot summer day. Small village that basically consists of 6 apartment buildings. 
The day that I'm thinking of is very special for me, because after a long time, I had been invited to a birthday party of a friend. By that time she and I (and many other friends I had originally grown up with) had been hanging out in different crowds. To make a long story as short as possible - most of the friends I grew up with kind of stopped wanting to hang out with me by the time I was a teen(ish) and then I started hanging out with the younger crowd. In my village I was the 15 or 16 year old boy running around playing games with 11 through 14 year old girls.
But anyway. We kind of drifted apart throughout the years and that's why I was really really happy to get the invite to the party. All the local "cool" teenagers were there, so I felt really accepted and wanted and happy.
The birthday girl's mother though also had decided to stick around. Something the daughter wasn't really happy about, especially as the mother wasn't completely sober either. Luckily the mother did keep to the kitchen for most of the time. Since I got along well with the mother, I spent half the day with the teens and half with the mom (yes, it was a daytime party). I can't remember exactly what me and the mom talked about that day, but I distinctly remember her asking me if I would recognize evil if looks me straight in the eye. I remember being confused why is she asking me that, but already back then I was a smart kid and I knew to say "no", because it's the truth. I remember her asking me the same question again insisting she wants a different answer. In the end I remember giving up and saying that I for sure would recognize if evil is looking me in the eye (not knowing what does she mean by "evil").
I can't remember anymore if the "party" (which was just basically a gathering at the birthday girl's house, eating salad, sweets and drinking lemonade and listening to music and just mingling) ended naturally or did the mom end the party by having enough and kicking us out or something else. But I remember running home extremely happy again, because the crowd from the party had invited me to go with them to hang out and throughout they day they had been pretty cool to me. I don't remember why exactly I needed to pop by my home, but I just remember being really really happy about getting the invite. The trip home was just a few minutes, because I was living in the neighboring apartment building. Went in, did what I needed (probably just either dropping something off or changing clothes or something quick like that). I remember running back outside and catching up with the group, who were standing in a meetup spot, two buildings away.
I can't exactly remember how long was I there or what happened before, but the moment I can remember clearly is two guys holding me down (one from each arm) and maybe somebody even trying to hold my head and then this one person trying to shave my head. They had brought this shitty electric shaver and first they tried shaving me starting from the forehead, but luckily either the shaver wasn't as sharp or the shaver just did a bad angle or whatever, they only cut off a very short peace from the front and didn't get further than maybe a centimeter or something. They tried one more time, but this time from the back, starting from behind my scull upwards. With that they succeeded to cut out about a 5 centimeter hole or something around that size. I remember screaming from the top of my lungs. I remember that no one came to the window to check what was happening (that I know/remember of). Luckily after the hole was cut out, they let me go and I ran home as fast as I could. When I was running up a hill, I remember a small group from the earlier group coming towards me, because they had gone to a nearby gas station to buy something (snacks or whatever).
I honestly don't remember what happened next that specific night. There might be a chance that I ran home crying. Mom and I weren't getting along that well back then and when she came to check what was happening, I might have said something bad to her, grabbed my "boombox" and ran across a small park, crossed a river and went to a small campsite next to a grilling place and laid down on the ground and cried like I had never cried before while some song was playing on my portable music player from whatever self-made CD I was listening to at the time.
Everybody (at least teens and people I hung out with most) knew how much I loved hair and having long hair. They weren't that long back then, but I could do a pony-tail and luckily hide the hole in the back of my head. I guess that's why they decided to do this...
I remember showing the hole in the back of my head to my co-worker who came to pick me up the following Monday...



2. "The story of my mom and dad"

As mom has told me, she and dad met at some party. He was a guitarist of the band performing. She was around 18 or 19 and he was 20 or 21. Lets say around two(ish) years from that moment I am born. Mom has told me many times that I was made with love and I was really wanted and waited (most of the times she's told me that she's been drunk, but that's beside the point).
To keep things politically correct, I'll just say that their relationship was not a healthy one. They had this on again off again type of a relationship. They were also married for a very short time, but if I remember correctly mom was pregnant when they got married and the marriage lasted for a few months or up to a year or so. From my childhood I remember living with mom most of the times more, than us living together. I also want just point out that their relationship wasn't exactly healthy due to things from both sides. Mom is a tough woman (speaking from my own negative experiences with her when she was drunk) and as mom says, so was dad. But personally speaking I remember only one incident where dad might have been no so cool (though there might have been many of those I don't remember or wasn't present for). I remember being like 4 or 5 and hiding under the living room desk, because mom and dad are screaming at each other in the kitchen. Dad came over drunk again. At some point I remember someone throwing the glass jar of a coffee machine (the dripping kind with paper filters) against one of the kitchen doors. I assume it was dad, but I don't remember for sure and will definitely not go asking mom this. 
Other than that one incident, in my life mom was the strict one with whom I was living with and dad was the one at whose place I was during the weekends and he was the one who was spoiling me (along with his mom who was living in the same hallway of the apartment building, just some floors down). If we compare my two grandmas (because I never met either of my grampas, since they had both passed before I was born) then the one from moms side is also much stricter, so I get where mom gets it from. The one from my dad's side was an incredibly generous soul and would give up her last penny to help someone in need.
Anyway, fast forward about 9 years. It's February 1999. By that time dad is working as a truck driver. His schedule is that he starts on Monday morning and drives his truck to another city about 100km away. He stays there working and staying in wherever the employer put them up to and then after their shift on Friday he'd come back home. Him, his mother and sister and other relatives were all living in a town about 5 km away from my village.
By February 1999 my dad and mom had again rekindled their relationship and dad was spending the night at our place quite often. That faithful Monday dad had again woken up next to mom, after another happy weekend at our place and drove off. That Friday, the 19th of February mom got a call - dad's gone. There had been an accident and he didn't make it. The accident had happened early Friday morning and was entirely because of dad's carelessness. No one else got hurt and I like to think that we just simply forgot himself for a second, because he was thinking about getting back to us at the end of his shift. Mom had told me at some point (I can't remember if it was after dad had left us for work that Monday or was it after he was gone) that they had a plan of him moving back in with us permanently after he gets back home that Friday...
"Fun" fact 1 - back when VHS tapes were still a thing, my dad had rented the movie Titanic before the movie had even been shown in our tiny town's cinema. I remember being at my grandma's place and him coming there asking if I'd want to come watch a movie with him and his then girlfriend about some movie about a boat sinking or something. He might be the reason I've seen it 4 times in the cinema by now (twice when it originally came out, once when it came out in 3D and last Valentine's Day when I treated myself with a ticket to go see it in 4K by myself and still cried like crazy and loved it as always) and countless of times on TV and streaming services etc. 
The story of my mom and dad might also be the reason why I personally love movies where one of the lead character dies in the end.
"Fun" fact Vol 2 - Oddly enough I do not remember the exact moment when I was told that my dad is gone, but I remember exactly the moment where I was when I was told that his mom had passed away. Some cultures have a belief that you are not allowed to enter the home of a deceased person for 40 days (can't remember if it's from the moment of the person's death or when they are actually buried). And if those beliefs are to be believed, then someone entered his flat (if I remember correctly my mom even mentioning that some small stuff were gone, like kitchen wear or what ever). But exactly 40 days after my dad died, my grandma passed away. I never got to know what was her cause of death, but for some reason she was rushed to the hospital and just never made it out again.
"Fun" fact Vol 3 - One of my many dreams is to make an autobiographical movie about my childhood. I've already settled on some key scenes and one of the main things will be the incident from the first story. I even have music picked out for that scene.
"Fun" fact Vol 4 - When mom was pregnant she said she kept on wanting a girl. She was 100% sure a girl will be born. According to her one day she was in Keskturg market place in Tallinn and a gypsy had told her she's going to have a boy. She told off the gypsy and said she was wrong. And then I was born (best from both worlds, if you ask me)... xD

Ingrid Michaelson - Keep Breathing

Summer, hope and manifesting

So... Summer is gone. All that's left is the greenery, which is also slowly turning into yellow/red. Sadly there weren't that many of the really warm days this summer anyway, only lots of rain and many promises of thunderstorms, which didn't happen in 99% of cases (at least not in my city). 
A little over four months have gone by since my last working day and I've done almost nothing with my free time.
Most days still follow the same logic as before: waking up at 6:30, coffee, shower, breakfast. Then out to do my steps or at last over half of the goal to reach the minimum requirement (if there's also gym in the evening and if not, then I'd do all the 10000 steps in one go). Three to four times a week around lunch time I'm on a WhatsApp call with Cameron who's in Melbourne (Australia) and we watch Drag Race together. Evenings it's either tv shows, games or gym (three to five times per week). Sleep around ten/eleven pm and repeat. Days have melted into each one other in a way. Sort of feels like groundhog day...

But I really do enjoy it. It's feels good to follow a path somehow and just not to worry. The idea from the start was to find a way to regenerate my nerves and I feel like it's been helping.
*I love walking in the mornings, because then there's less people around the Old Town. 
*I love watching Drag Race with Cameron. Firstly because it's nice to share things with others and I really love the art of drag and drag queens overall. 
*I love going to the gym. Sure, I may not fully enjoy all exercises I do, but I like the results. And I also found a friend to join me on most evenings, so there's more motivation to keep going. Thanks to him I do a stretching routine right after arriving to the gym (because he taught it to me and we always to do together at the start). Aaand of course not to mention all the eye candy that walks around in the gym. :P They also don't hurt it when you need motivation to keep pumping and stay active and healthy.
*I love going to sleep early. I feel much more invigorated when I keep to the same sleeping schedule. Without an alarm it is so easy to oversleep and then feel a lot more tired during the day than normally. Early mornings are also really nice because they're quiet and peaceful. Especially the first cup of coffee. :)
Normally during Saturdays Kacey would come to my place to watch TV shows together. At the moment we're flying through "Yellowjackets" and "Only Murders In The Building".

One of the main downsides of this unemployed life is the financial side. When I was let go from my previous job, they gave me some compensation, which helped me survive the summer. Also the unemployment agency sends some support once per month (almost like a payday), but that system is... not meant for a long time period. What I mean is that in Estonia you get unemployment benefits for 9 months (at the moment at least, since there are talks in shortening that). First they take the average of what you had earned in the past 6 months and then the first 90 days you get 70% of that average and then after that the percentage starts going down.
I survived the summer just okay with this benefit, plus what my previous company had given, but that all ended (even though I didn't splurge anything and was trying to be as careful as I could, so that it would last until I find a new job).
At the end of August there was one day where I had no money, nor food at home. Luckily brother helped me out and I pulled it through until the next "payday". Also got a little bit of cash from mom for my birthday in September (though I have a feeling she borrowed it from somewhere, because normally she has nothing by the end of the month herself).
Now I'm back there again. At this current moment I do have some food in the fridge, but my bank account has 14,23€ (just checked). No idea yet how I'll pull through, but there's always a way and I'm sure I'll figure it out. But if anyone wants to make a donation, I'm all open for it. :D

Job search wise it hasn't been that good either. Originally I wanted to do something I have never done before. I am tired of life in offices and all the bureaucracy and the world of consumerism and things like that. But since I never found something like that (which would also help me pay my bills and have enough left over for food and perhaps a visit to the cinema/museum or something), I've been sending my resume to any place that would pay enough. I would of course love to have a very highly paid job, but what I actually need is just to pay my bills, be able to feed myself and perhaps one or two outings in a month.
The biggest hit I got was when one company rejected me. It was the biggest hit to me, because I was 100% sure that if I don't find anything new/different to try, then that company would surely hire me, because I have these exact qualifications/skills they need. Well... After sending my resume to them and waiting for a few days - I got a rejection. I was shocked. I was 100% sure I'll get it and I didn't except this at all.
After that I just sent my resumes to any place that I could find (that would pay enough) and just hope. Sadly all I received were rejections (if any answer would come back at all).
Yesterday (16.10.203) I finally got my first invite to an interview. And oddly enough, it's the same company that rejected me, the one whom I was so sure that they'd take me. A friend of mine said that he knew someone who had applied 6 times to that company before they accepted him, so I kept sending my resume to them every few weeks and seems it worked. Now I have to get through the interview and then somehow survive until my first payday.

Though summer might be gone (for now), I'm still trying to keep up the good mood and hope for a brighter day (in every sense possible). 

Short ones for the bank

• As of August 10th, 2023 I had survived living 4 years in my current apartment. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place, ever since I moved to Tallinn on the 22nd of March 2007.
• I finally started the puzzle again. About a year or so ago I bought a 2000 piece puzzle of the world map, assembled the edges of it and after that this project of mine kind of died. Now I'm trying again. For now I've assembled the edges back together and most of Europe and Africa. It's been sitting untouched for over a month by now, but I still fully intend to finish it this time. This time I'm not putting it together only on the floor, but have a cardboard and a slipping proof cloth. It's such a cool way to learn the world, I have to admit. I am finding so many places that I thought were located in a totally different place on the map/in the world.
• 08.09.2023 - Daytrip to Narva with Kacey
  
• As of the 17th of October, I've been nicotine free for 78 days.
• I don't really understand "prosecuting" someone solely based on what they had said or written several years ago. Everyone is capable of change. Just some never choose to so or maybe they just never have the opportunities to do so.
  I want to point out that I specifically mean said or done only, not by what they did in the past. It's much easier to change your mind than it is to change what you did in the past. And IMO if you did something, then there's always a chance you can do it again, so there's always this lingering fear, like a second shoe waiting to drop.
  
• I changed the faucet in the bathroom that was dripping and since it's my first time to do so and since I did it all on my own, it makes me feel so proud for some reason. Even though it was really simple, still I managed to psych myself out for days before completing the task in minutes and feeling like a real deal. xD

Manifesting 

Since September 2019 I've been buying lottery tickets every month. Every single month I'd buy tickets online for upcoming weekly draws. After so many years, the max amount I've won in one go is 58.40€. They say that if you dream of something and make it very clear, you can manifest it into existence. So here is me trying to be as clear as possible. Hopefully when I read this text years from now, it'll all have come true by then.
So here are the things I would do when I'd win the jackpot:

• Depending on the amount I would buy homes. Either one for myself only or one for myself, my mom and my brother or three apartments for myself (so that two of them could be occupied by friends whom are not from my country and I could offer them a place to live which is close to me and will have cheap rent) and then also one for mom and one for brother.
• I'd travel the world. Ideally I would love to visit all the countries in the world. I am very curious about different cultures, traditions, ways of living, etc.
• Perhaps go back to school. I'd love to learn something about the world of TV or cinema (not sure yet if behind the camera or in front of it). Everyone who knows me knows how much I love watching TV shows/movies. I love to watch actors playing their roles, different camera angles, the lighting, the composition, the music. In a way the movie/TV show makers are creating magic and I would love to be a part of that. I could imagine being on set of a comedy TV show and just laughing all day and having the time of my life while also putting food on the table.
• I'd also do a lot of charity. I love helping people and making them smile (regardless if they know it was me or not).
• I would fix my eye sight and get hair plugs (or whatever it is they do, because I don't like the fact that the top of my head is thinner than the sides).
  
• I would learn how to drive and perhaps get a car. In an ideal world I'd love to get a caravan and go travelling in that.
• I would improve my diet (meaning eat a lot more healthier) and try to get better at the gym with some professional help.

Sure there are a few more things I dream of, but those are my main ones for now. Let's see where I am in 5 or 10 years. 

A nice musical peace to end the day: Etne - RØRE [best to listen while driving (as a passenger) and looking out the window or just walking somewhere]

End of another era and MidSummer Eves 2023

Work
 
On the 15th of March I was having my normal meeting with the team to fill them in on some updates that had happened during the past week. After all said and done, one of the team members asked me if our project is shutting down. I hadn't heard anything, so I said no. To that she copied me an e-mail that was sent to everyone in the Tallinn/Tartu offices announcing the closure of my project...
Turned out it was all true. The client had decided to move their services away from my country, thus ending my project in this office. Since there was nothing else left for me to do in the company, I had to leave it. After over six years of working there (two at first, then my two year break in Australia and after coming back I worked another 4,5 years there by end) it was time to find my new path.
I loved working there (for the most part), but I am not lying when I say that I was happy it ended. It was time. Stress and the negative experiences were getting to me and I had been thinking about leaving for a while now. So this way it just happened own it's own. Just a shame how it happened...

Originally our last workday was supposed to be the 31st of May, but let's just say due to some "technical difficulties" we worked until around the afternoon on the Monday (29th of May) and got the next two days just as paid days off. On the 31st we met up in the office one last time with some co-workers and the project manager. We ordered pizza, chatted for about an hour or so, I sent out my last reports, set an out of office message and that was it. Said my good-byes to the people in the office from other projects and off I went. I was sad, because something had ended. But I was not sad that this had ended. I almost shed a tear at the receptionist table, but held back and was distracted by the chatter of others, so I went on with them and tried not to think about it. 

Next month of unemployment went by in a haze. Days just melted together and became pretty much the same.
Every day I'd wake up at 6:30 (yes, even after stopping work, I've maintained the early wake-ups), brush my teeth, have coffee, prepare and eat breakfast and shower. After that I'd go and do my steps in the city. Mostly after grabbing a Latte from Coffee-In in Viru Keskus and then heading towards the Old Town, generally following the same path. The guy who's busking on one of the viewing platforms must already remember my face by now.
After that I'd come home and watch my TV shows and/or play some games. Two/three times per week I'd have a WhatsApp call with a friend from Australia, during which we'd watch some episode of the Drag Race franchise together. 
In the afternoon I'd go to the gym with a friend or two. Then come home, watch the 9PM news, watch YouTube, play games or watch a TV shows and then around 10 or 11PM I'd already go to sleep, so I could wake up nice and early and do it all again the next day.

***

Midsummers

On the 22nd of June I hopped on a train and went back to the village where I'm from. Mother asked me to come back for a night because the village was hosting the annual midsummers party/festival and as far as people know for now it might be the last (because the original organizer is tired of doing it). As it might be the last, I promised mom I'd go (even though I didn't really want to).
Luckily reality was much better than I had feared. For such a small village (plus the surrounding ones) there were a lot of people present and sooo many people that I didn't know. New generation had really grown. I remember someone saying at some point that the children of he village (meaning "kids" from my era) have now also gotten children. Everything had changed a lot and it was nice to see. The big bullies that I was a little afraid of, none of them showed up. Saw quite a few familiar faces from the childhood, some of them I didn't even recognize at first. Didn't talk to most of them. Didn't even greet most them (as for the majority of them I [luckily] saw them from a distance).
Mom also took me on a small tour to see the area around the river and the factory where she used to work when I was a kid and where I spent many years of my childhood running around in. The new owners had been doing a really good job maintaining it as it was, but also at the same time making it their own.
The midsummer's event for itself was nice. It had been happening ever since I can remember and the format hasn't really changed much. There are always some sort of tents that are selling something. This time you could find meat and French fries and other street foods, there were two lottery tables where you could win stuff and there were tents where you could buy alcohol. Some games for the adults (like how many times you can lift a (I'm guessing 20kg) kettlebell or how fast you can nail a long nail into a block of wood or a tug of war etc). There's always a band playing throughout the evening. Usually there's only one, as I remember from my child hood, but this time there were two. And as per the tradition of my country - of course there was a huge (I'm guessing a 2 meter) bonfire. It looked fantastic when it was in full fire.
Around 11:30pm me and mom went back to her place (she wants me to keep calling it home, but after living away for 16 years, it doesn't feel like my home anymore. It's her place. We talked for a bit and went to sleep pretty fast. For both of us it was way past our normal bedtime.

The next day an acquaintance from the village drove me to the nearest city. Mom was already there, she had taken her electrical bicycle ahead of us. Me and mom had lunch and she walked me to the train station.
Back in my own home I had over two hours to chill and then it was time to head to the next midsummer's eve event. This time with two Brazilians and a Dane and the location was in our open-air museum. This one had many sellers with different food (mostly for meat lovers, which Estonians generally are). The bonfire was also really beautiful in this event. I think it might have been also the same length as the bonfire from my previous night, though a tad bit thinner. So it burned bright and beautiful, but not for very long sadly. The bonfire was lit by some people in some local national clothes/costumes from many years ago. I couldn't really make out what they were saying (nor was I really paying that much attention since I was distracted by the smell of delicious grilled meat (sašlõkk in my language). At some point later I asked someone: what's up with the people running around the bonfire. She told me that it has something to do with luck, that you're supposed to do it twice - three rounds moving forwards and three rounds moving backwards. It was a little funny and silly to run around the bonfire in front of all these strangers, but I did it. xD Now waiting for my luck to kick in, because I'm really starting to be needing it. :D
The Brazilians saw our national dances and said some of the melodies where very similar to something that they had heard from back home from childhood. One of them was even pulled into a circle when dancing one of them and it was great to see him have fun. Overall it was a beautiful evening, worth remembering for me.

***

Short ones for the bank

*30.01.2023 - went to the shrink again for the first time. Didn't work for me, he was too into himself and telling me boring stories about himself that had nothing to do with me and took too much time. Overall it was too expensive for me anyway, even though I got a discount (though I shouldn't have had, but that's a whole other story). Lasted three sessions, but couldn't afford it much and didn't see much in it, so never made any new appointments.
*10.06.2023 - I participated in my first ever Pride march. Not only did I get to witness my first Pride march, I also got to walk in it too. A friend said it's okay with her company's people that I walk along with them. It was pretty cool to see so many different and colorful people, but the walk itself felt like forever. We didn't actually walk a long distance, but it felt like it took forever, because there were so many stops along the way...
*I keep playing the lottery, but not winning. Someone send some luck my way or just pray for me.
*Last October I filled out a Visa application for the States. It was this lottery one, where they'd let any one who wants (and who also meets some specific conditions) to enter their application for free and then randomly select people who get to continue with their steps for getting the visa. Lottery entrance ended somewhere in the end of October (or beginning of November, can't really remember), but the draw itself was only announced in May this year. You had to save some long ass code from the time you submitted your application to be able to check in May if you were selected or not. I printed out three copies of this code (because you had to save it immediately, there was no saving it in their systems) and then hid those three copies in different places, ensuring I'd find at least one of them on the 6th of May, when they promised to upload the results.
Come May 6th: no results posted in the early morning (around 9ish)... Come many days later (because I forgot about it): I wasn't selected... :'(
*The struggle with quitting nicotine still continues. I keep getting a week or two or a little more and then failing and smoking again for a day or two and starting over again. Current status of being nicotine free: 2 weeks, 19 hours, 50 minutes.

Some good tunes for you: 
Lazy Boy - Facts Of Life

The New(Est) Era

On the 2nd of December (2018) my previous boss wrote to me. It was a little strange, because we didn't communicate that much out of work. He just wanted to know if I was back in Estonia and if I was looking for work (because he wanted me back to his team). I was back, but I wasn't interested in going back. First because I didn't want to move backwards and also because the previous Friday I had had a job interview in another company and was waiting to hear from them.

About a week later (11th) he wrote me again to ask if I got the job. I did. By that moment I was already on my second day at the new place. He didn't want to let go and offered a higher salary and said he'd still prefer me in his team as opposed to the people he had interviewed so far. To be honest, this was exactly what I needed, because I wasn't that happy in the new place. Sure it was all new and there was A LOT to learn, but I still felt that wasn't for me. So by the time evening had come around, I had already made up my mind and wrote to my previous boss that I accept his offer. It was a little funny though - I declared to him that I accept and he said that I'd still need to do a round of interviews (still an official place, so have to follow official channels and stuff).

On Tuesday (13th) I snuck off during lunch to go do the interview. Our own local HR was on maternity leave, so I was being interviewed by the HR in our Spanish office. She didn't have many questions to me, because I knew the answers to everything she asked me [(hypothetical questions like what I would do in different situations etc) because I had already done that job before for two years]. After the short interview, I went back to my new job.

The same evening came the positive answer. So the next morning I went to the new office to finish up my contract and by noon I was back at my old place, reviewing everything I had learned before I left and all the new details that had come while I was away.

Since I'm writing this in January 2023, I can't really remember what Christmas was in 2018. But I do remember spending the New Years Eve in Tallinn with friends. Lots of alcohol and the evening ended in an adult venue. I remember going home to the village with an early train on the 1st of January hungover like hell. I tried to sleep, but at some point mother came home and she was also not feeling well (meaning she hadn't stopped drinking since whenever she started). Leaving out the unpleasantness, let's just say it was not a nice day.

Luckily an old friend offered me a place to say and on the 10th of January I was on the late train with my suitcase and stuff. His place was not big - just a one room apartment - in one corner there was a shower section (which was basically a meter by two meter box in the room), then a kitchen area in front of that "box", then his TV and bed/couch and my sleeping area would be then at the top part of the "box". Not much, but I was happy to be out from home again and happy to be back in the city, back in civilization in a way.

Time slowly went on and life kind of went back to the same place it was before - work, home, steps, home, sleep, work, home, steps and so on. Add TV shows and some hanging out with friends and it was like it was before.

In June 2019 there was another big change coming. One big project was coming to our company and they needed people. Since they didn't have that many people to choose from (I guess) the recruitment team turned to me and offered me a position there. Since the salary was a little higher, I was tempted. Also another selling point to me was that I wouldn't be handling hundreds of different things at the same time and would focus on one thing only (ish). The offer was for two positions - something called a Super-User and an RTA. Super-User would be the person who'd help advisers with whatever difficult cases they'd have and then RTA was that I'd be checking the phonelines and making sure there are no queues or whatnot. After short consideration I accepted it.

Since it was a huge client who was going to have call-centers in different countries, then in order to train all new staff in one go they flew me and my co-worker to Amsterdam on the 16th of June (Sunday). On the following Monday we'd start our two-week training. I must say it was a really fun time to learn about the project and to meet so many different people - there were people from South Africa, Athens, Pristina, UK, the Netherlands and maybe some other places I am forgetting. 

Rabat! I'm forgetting Rabat, Morocco. There's a "funny" thing with that also... Since in Tallinn the project was supposed to launch in August and earlier in other places, then me and my co-worker were originally supposed to fly to Athens after the training to help the local trainers with the on-boarding. But apparently the trainers from Rabat were not able to make it due to some issues with the visa. But on the last minute they did make it and attended the training in Amsterdam, but no one told our local bosses in Tallinn about that. So still on the 28th of June me and my co-worker sat on a plane and flew to Rabat.

Here I must say that though it was an interesting place and I met some cool people, I also had never been so bored in my life than I was there. Since the trainers still attended the training in Amsterdam, then they were the ones who also conducted the training in Rabat. But the thing is that they did it all in French and I, nor my co-worker, understand that language. So most of the three weeks during day time we spent sitting at the back of the training class, just doing our own things - either playing some games on our phones/laptops or watching some TV shows or whatever. Occasionally helping out with the training when the trainers ran into some question they didn't know how to answer, so we checked it with the Amsterdam team. Most days after work we'd head back to the hotel and remain there. Mostly because even though it wasn't the most dangerous place, there was still some danger, so it was safer to stay inside. Also being that it wasn't a touristy city, more of a city for lots of offices, there wasn't that much to see anyway (other than the beautiful Old Town and a few other historical places). I was also especially afraid, because being gay is illegal in Morocco, so I didn't want to take any risks that my wrist would accidentally loosen a little and give out any signs for the local thugs or something.

During the weekends we'd hang out a little with one of the team leaders from the office. One day I remember he took us to some racing event - we'd watch how some cars raced on some parking lot one by one. Another time he drove us to Casablanca, because he really wanted us to see the biggest mall over there. He was a sweet guy for doing that and showing us around.

My co-worker flew back a week earlier, because he had some wedding to attend to or whatever. I got to stay back and see how the project was launched and the first week of actual work of the newbies.

On the very last evening me and three locals went out to eat. I had made some friends and I wanted them to show me some local food places. They took me to some very small street food place and I got to taste some delicious meat things. Can't name any of them, but I will never forget the way they looked like (not bad, just the events on the following day kept them in my mind). Basically they next day I woke up with a headache. My flight back was supposed to leave in the afternoon. The whole day my stomach was upset, my head was spinning and overall I didn't feel good. At that point I was the only one out of the four of us who was not feeling good. After half a day between laying on the floor in the corner of the office and running to and from the bathroom, I said my good-byes and a taxi took me to the airport in Rabat. Most of the time I was sitting down, because standing up was not that good. Flight to Germany was a nightmare, though luckily I was able to stay seated the whole time. Original plan was that I was going to binge through the last season of "Orange Is The New Black", as it had just been released the day before and I downloaded all episodes on my Netflix account. That's why I had declined an offer from my company to get a hotel from, because the connecting flight from Germany to Tallinn only left early next morning. Well, sufficed to say I did not feel like watching any shows. All I wanted to do was just die there on the spot. So most of the night I spent on some bench in the airport, trying to get some sleep and praying none of my stuff gets stolen while I'm out of it. Somewhere around three or four in the morning they opened up the security checks. I still remember barely being able to stand while in that long queue.

When I got home, I spent a week in bed. Half of the time with one end on the toilet seat. Luckily the project over here launched a little later and they were still setting up the office for it, so I didn't have to be here and I could feel like shit in peace.

Later I heard the food-poisoning also caught up with the other three, just not as hard as it did me. 

While on the trip in Rabat, my co-worker had changed his mind. Originally he was supposed to be the trainer and the team leader, but he wanted to swap the trainer part with me. At first I was a little scared, but then in the end I accepted it.

The first group of local trainees in Tallinn was my biggest - 17 people of all ages (adults of course). I was very nervous for the first few days (first because I don't really enjoy being in the center of attention and then also because I didn't even know fully the material yet or completely understand it yet). But somehow we got through it together and made it fun. Though we, in Amsterdam, were trained for two weeks, the training with the advisers was planned for three weeks. Once the three weeks was over, they were ready for the actual work. The phonelines opened up on the 9th of September. Sadly/luckily I wasn't able to see how that went, because on the same day I started with my second group of new hires.

In the beginning the work was rough - I'd do my training and then after the training session I'd have a long list of advisers who had written to me throughout the day because they had some issue they couldn't solve or didn't know how solve or just needed me to say "yes, what you did here was correct". So in the start I'd do lots of overtime (which I could take out as equal time off, instead of getting it paid out). I sort of got used to that, but as the training sessions got less frequent and people got used to their jobs and finding answers themselves, my life got a little easier too.

In august 2019 I finally got my own place. I got extremely lucky to find a cheap(ish) place that was only a 10 minute walk away from the office and I basically signed the contract on the spot. The apartment was small and needed a little repairing, but it was enough for me. I didn't need anything fancy, just enough room for me, close to work and close to stores (so I wouldn't have to haul food from far away).

Somehow life went pretty quiet after that. I settled in with work pretty nicely, but it mostly became all about that. Friends sort of went into the background because the stress of work took over and I was pretty much drained after work and didn't want to see people - all I wanted was to go home, relax in silence, turn my brain off with some TV shows or games and just sleep.

2020 was a quiet year. When for most of the world things went to shit, for me nothing much changed. Since I had already been living this sort of hermit lifestyle - work, home, work, then it just stayed the same for me. When the pandemic hit, then in my country there was no mandatory lockdown. The government recommended people to stay home and most people did that. The office basically ran empty and it was quite nice and quiet to go there. Since I'm sort of a mini-boss over there, then I had my own little cubicle and when going to the office I only had to walk for a short time, never using any public transport or walking through some crowded streets where I could catch something.

So the year just basically flew by.
Sadly communication with friends also kind of died out. There was this little group in Viber that we were all in - me and my three best friends whom I had been hanging out for almost 10 years now. In the end of 2020 there was some drama, so one of them left. After some comments I also decided to leave and basically ended all communication with all three by the time 2021 had rolled around. The New Years Eve of 2020 was the first time in my life that I had been completely alone. It was super sad to watch the fireworks alone from my balcony, sober and on my own. Luckily after that I had a joint which made me feel better and then I played some "Breath of The Wild" until around 3AM and then went to sleep.

2021 was a year of change for me. First - no friends. Though I missed the heck out of them, I also felt this immense relief, like a huge pressure had been lifted and I could breathe again. Not directly connected to that, but I made a change in different areas of my life - first I started waking up at a consistent time. Before that I had always woken up whatever time the alarm was set to, plus quite often hitting the snooze button once or twice or three times. Now that changed - same time, every day (even on days off). I started watching more what I eat, trying to make more healthy choices. I reduced smoking cigarettes, though even today that is still quite a struggle to quit fully. I made two attempts in joining and staying in the gym. Both times I managed to be consistent for a few months until something came up and the consistency was broken and I quit (as I usually to).

The best and most amazing thing that happened in 2021 was that I had finally paid up all my loans and depts. For the first time in my whole adult life I didn't owe any company anything. I was 32 years old and that was the first time I felt this kind of liberty and I must say - it felt amazing! :D

One moment I turned around and BAM - it's three years since I started working in the new project (with the intention of doing that only for a year), I've lived three years in the same apartment and for three years I've been doing the same thing over and over again and nothing has changed. I remember when I came back from Australia, I asked my friends what had changed and they said nothing and I was shocked on how so much time (=two years) had passed and nothing could change and now I'm in the exact same place.

I don't know what's ahead, but one thing I'll try to do more - write. :) Michelle Wolf said in her stand-up "Joke Show": "Blogs are conversations no one wanted to have with you." And as true as that MIGHT be, I find it therapeutic and I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this so that when I'm 90, I get to read back and remember all the stupid things I had done and forgotten.

Until next time! :)

Here's a song for you. According to Spotify statistics, this is the song I've been listening to most in 2022 and in 2021: Dido - Just Because

The Tests From The Dogs And A New Hope

After my first failed attempt to get employment again, I spent the next week sitting at home. With the only times me going outside of the apartment, when I needed to bring in the firewood. Mostly just spending time finishing with the last episodes of "The Leftovers" and then continuing with the unseen "Shameless" (the U.S. version) episodes. And occasionally showing my face online, slowly restarting communication with people I haven't talked to in years (so far done that with at least 3 people - not a bad job for being back over a month, eh?). And also keeping an eye out on ads for apartments for rent or for people who are looking for roommates.

On the 30th of November I got my ass out of bed bright and early, showered, ate, had my coffee and then took a bus to Tapa, from where a train took me to Tallinn. Luckily the place I went for a job interview for, wasn't that far away from the Ülemiste train station, so I was able to get there pretty fast. Initially I was also supposed to meet up with my friend who works there, but he was sick on that day, so I didn't have the chance to see him.
I got there about 20 minutes or so too early, so they gave me a written test, that candidates usually fill out after the interview. It was some random customer making a inquiry and all I had to do was answer him. They said that I don't need any knowledge of the business, they just wanted to test my English writing skills.
The interview itself went pretty well I'd think. I was far less nervous than I thought I would be, though I was still nervous. The conversation sort of flew, I feel like I answered their questions pretty well and left a good impression of myself. At the end of the oral part, they gave me one more test to do, which I also think I did pretty well. It was about a page and a quarter of some random symbols on a piece of paper and I had to find all the symbols with a specific sequence within 3 minutes. After I had done that (gosh, how I hate timed things) I found out that I had found 36 out of 44, which isn't that bad. The interviewers said that generally people find 20 something. Hashtag patting myself.
Once the interview was over I had time to kill again, so I decided to go check out the brand new shopping mall they had built right next to my (hopefully) new employers. I remember before leaving Estonia, they had just started building it, so I was quite curious to check it out. It was a pretty nice building, but I can't understand why we needed another huge shopping center, when there's one huge one right on the other side of the railway tracks. It's not like we have so many people here in Tallinn.
Once I had finished satisfying my curiosity, I walked to the center again. I had time to kill before I met up with my (hopefully) future landlord. The previous week I had chatted to this guy online (and by a few phone calls), who was looking for a flatmate. He had a three room apartment and he seemed like a nice guy and had all the qualities I was looking for in a potential flatmate, so it was time to meet up.
Once he was done with his work, we met up at a park/forest near his place. He went there usually after work or around evening time, to walk with his dog. When we had been talking previously, everything between us seemed fine, so he said that one of the main conditions of me moving in, would be to see how well I get along with his dog. And the first time I saw his dog, he kind of barked at me really loudly and made me a liiitle bit scared. But the owner calmed him down and the three of us went to walk around in the big park. We talked long and about lots of stuff and after a little bit, the dog didn't seem to care that I was there, but still I was on the fence, as it was a 6 year old German Shepard.
After the walk we went to see the apartment, which was really beautiful - not only would have I gotten my own room, but the guy also had a fireplace in his apartment and also a sauna(!). The dog was a acting a little strange, but he seemed okay. Occasionally letting out this whimpering noise that neither one of us could decipher and showing no signs of aggression. Again me and the owner talked for about an hour or so what would it mean if I were to move in, what to expect from me and what should I expect from him and so on. At one point I randomly decided to check the bus/train schedules and I noticed that if I left right away, I would have a great connection in Tapa between my train and the ongoing bus, so I said my goodbyes fast and got out. I felt good about the meeting, but a little awkward about me leaving so suddenly and also I wasn't exactly sure how the dog was with me. I mean he seemed okay, but still I wouldn't have been entirely comfortable being alone in the apartment with him.
After that day we chatted a little more here and there, but in the end the guy sent me an e-mail saying that us living together wouldn't work out. I understood where he was coming from and in some ways I was relieved, that I won't have to start getting used to the dog (who wasn't actually that scary, but you just never know, y'know).

In the morning of the 4th of December I found an ad online where a guy was looking for a fwb and also someone who'd clean the apartment and in exchange would perhaps live there rent free. As small as Estonia is, I was really curious to see what kind of a person is behind that ad, so I answered (as much as I hate cleaning, I totally would have done it, if it would have meant that I could have lived there rent free).
He answered and we chatted for a while, until he said that I should come over. I told him that my financial situation isn't that good, so it'll have to wait. He insisted that he likes to do these things fast (make decisions that is), said he'll pay for my tickets back and fourth, so within a half an hour I was in a bus, on my way to Tapa, where I caught a connecting train to Tallinn.
He still wouldn't send me a picture of him, but since I had sent a picture of myself, he said that he had seen me around some years ago, but we had never interacted and that I'll recognize him by his dog, as he'll most likely be the only one with a dachshund (which he was).
As soon as I walked up to him, I recognized who he was. It was true - (as far as I remembered) we had never interacted in real life, but I definitely knew who he was. Estonia is a pretty small country and the gay community here is even smaller and though he wasn't a big celebrity, he was well known. But I didn't make a big fuss about it, as he was still not bad on the eyes and a friendly person.
With him also the dog was in a way the decider, but luckily we got along with the dog very well and already 10 or so minutes after meeting with him, I got to watch the dog on my own, as he went into a shop to buy something.
Once we got to his place, it was much smaller than I had imagined. Only a two room flat, with a really tiny kitchen corner and a separate restroom.
After that we just chatted - starting from what we'd expect from each other and then moving on to random stuff from our past and life in general. It seemed we hit it off really well and I was quite happy with everything. Initially I was supposed to come back home and I had agreed with my brother that he'll pick me up in Tapa, because the buses don't go anymore that late, that I was planning to arrive. But since everything went so well, I decided to spend the night over there.
As nice as it was to be in someone's arms again (after doing the "nasty nasty", of which I could only do half of the stuff I wanted, because I had a cold sore so kissing or any other kind of activities involving my lips and tongue were totally out of the question), I was still reminded that I'm so used to sleeping alone, that falling asleep with someone else by my side isn't easy. Since he has a million things to do mostly during day times, then usually he goes to sleep with some radio talk show playing int he background (so that he wouldn't "get lost" in his head while trying to sleep, compiling to-do lists or thinking about the previous or the following day). After about 20 minutes or so, I could sense that he had dozed off, so I listened to the talk show, which kept me up for about an hour or so.
It was really sweet, waking up in the morning with someone by my side, but that didn't last long, as the dog was indicating that he'd want to go out. Of course the guy would have wanted to do "the nasty", but on the previous night I had made it clear, that I'm not the type to do that in the mornings, because in the mornings I need my quiet time, have a cup of coffee and slowly wake myself up.
So, we walked the dog and on our way back dropped by this quaint little coffee-shop near his home, where he got us two coffees. He had a cigarette with the owner, talked a bit and then we came back to his place where we talked a little more. But since I could see that he was mostly concentrated on what was going on in his laptop (work stuff, as he sometimes works from home), I said my fare wells and came on my merry way. He had indicated that he'd want me to come live there by saying so and by giving me enough cash to go home, grab my shit and then come back later.

Before coming back to the country side, I went to the bank office to try to re-open my bank account. The last time I was in the capital and visited the bank office to do the same, they told me I could do this only after I had paid my debt that came from me not paying my monthly debit-card service fees.  Mom had given me a little extra money before coming to the capital this time, so I was able to pay that off (11.29€). Almost happily a bank account owner again, the guy on the other side of the table told me that unfortunately that's not possible for now. Turned out that two bailiffs had frozen my account (for some other debts I had) and without their permission to do so, he was unable to re-open my account.
Bummed about that I came home and wrote to the bailiffs, asking if they would unfreeze my account, so I could have my paychecks sent there.
Oh, I forgot to mention that on Monday (3.12) I heard back from the job that I interviewed for the previous Friday with good news - I got the job! ;) They said that they'll get back to me on Tuesday (or was it "latest by Tuesday?"), but the good news arrived on Monday! I was ECSTATIC! Also, they might have appeared already earlier, but I swear that after hearing the good news, that was the first time I felt the cold-sores coming on, so one guess is that they appeared due to part of my stress-levels going down.

One of the bailiffs answered me straight away in a very polite manner, whilst the the other one was not so nice.
The first e-mail sent to both of them contained information about who I am, where I got their names from (from the bank they had told me the names of the bailiffs' who had frozen my account) and why I was writing them. I told them that I had been away from Estonia for two years and just got back and got a job and would like to make a payment plan, that I could start paying in January, after my first pay comes in. I asked them what debts have they frozen my account for and would it be possible to unfreeze my account, so I could use it to receive my pay and then pay them. The first guy wrote me back saying who's debt is he dealing with, how much it is and that he agrees with my terms. I wrote him back asking the details for the transfer, which got an answer the following morning.
The other bailiff only answered that if I want to make a payment plan, I need to make the first payment within the first ten days (as if she didn't even read what I wrote her). I answered her (as nice as I possibly could, even though I felt like ripping her throat out), that while I totally understand that they are very busy people, I would still appreciate if she'd answer what debt we are talking about and also repeating that since I just got employed, my first pay will arrive in January, making it impossible for me to make the first payment within those 10 days. To which she answered that I should come back to her in the beginning of January and nothing else, with at least two spelling mistakes in that one sentence, which made my blood boil even more. Yes, I completely understand that I'm the one in the wrong here and trying to undo my mistakes from the past, but it just pisses me off so much that I have to be nice and polite as f**k, while she can't even spell! It took a lot from me not to start answering with curse words, so I just wrote (on the following morning): "I'll do so! But please be so kind and tell me what debt we are talking about. Unfortunately I have more than one of those and I'd like to understand, what is the current one for." To which she replied with only the company's name, from who the debts was from - no "Hello" or a signature or anything.

By that time it was also clear that the guy I had met up with a few days ago, would not be someone I'd be living with. Though it all went well and we seemed to hit it off very well, it turned out that instead of wanting a friend with benefits, he wanted a boyfriend.
Once I had gotten back home, we continued chatting via messenger still everything seemed to be great. But then we stated talking about faithfulness and there was something that was giving me a red flag, but I didn't put much thought into it yet. I just told him that I'm happy to be his friend with benefits, but I am nowhere near ready to give up my freedom just yet, so I have no intention in being loyal to him. Obviously I wouldn't go out looking for sex, but if it would sort of come my way through someone attractive, I wouldn't say no. :P The conversation ended with me going to sleep early (as seems to be the norm while I have been living here with mom again) and he said "Good night" and all seemed okay. The next morning when I woke up he had written: "I think I mentioned that safety is important to me. And if one person sleeps around and the other one doesn't, then it's not so safe anymore" and at that moment it dawned on me, that even though he might say that he was looking for a friend with benefits, then in the end he was just looking for a boyfriend. And I was not ready for that. So that was the end of that beautiful dream.

The relationship with my mother had slowly been improving again. Not exactly the same as it was before we had our little falling out a few weeks ago, but it was good - she was talking to me again and asking me to do stuff (asking, not telling) and giving explanations to things.
But on Saturday (8.12) I got a glimpse of my childhood again. Mom went out with her brother to help him with some shopping or something. Somewhere around 2pm she called me and asked me to throw in the firewood that was still under the tarp in front of the house. By her voice I could already understand that she had had a few drinks. About 15 minutes later I went outside and threw all the wood pieces into the basement through the window. She had told me that I should only throw in half of the pile, but since there wasn't that much of them out there, I managed to clear the pile totally.
I came back in and continued with my TV shows. Around 4pm she came back home and by then she had had a few more drinks (not a word about me clearing the pile in front of the house). She wasn't exactly wasted or drunk, but she was somewhere between that and tipsy. Many times in my past I have told her that I do not wish to engage her in any way after she has had a few drinks and she knows it perfectly well. But when I'm around, I know she just can't help herself. When she's tipsy/drunk she just has this need to talk and I hate it so much, because all of this could be also said while she's sober, but no. Also it takes her a while to get a proper sentence together and God-forbid you say something negative to her or ask her to hurry along or say *anything* that you know she won't want to hear (aka the truth). She'll either attack you verbally or physically. She hasn't hit me per se, but we have had our (literal) struggles in the past.
On that day I was trying to avoid her and concentrate on my show (by blocking the reality with focusing on fiction as I've always done), but she kept on insisting on talking to me. I was visibly upset and a few times raised my voice while answering her. She tired her usual manipulative tricks [e.i. "Do you know how much I wanted you back home and this is how you treat me?" or "I have always treated you as number one and this is how you treat me?" or "You've known since childhood that I drink" (which was one of the new ones I heard that day)]. I tried my best not to engage or to physically attack her, because her being this way and trying to talk to me, was pushing every button I had. Luckily about half an hour or an hour after she had arrived, she left again, saying the best words she could have possibly said to me that day: "I won't be coming home today anymore". From the kitchen window I saw her getting into my brothers car, so I assume she went to continue drinking at her boyfriends place and complain what an awful son she has and she has done nothing to deserve this.

The next day when she came back (sober) it was just like it always used to be in my childhood - as if the previous day had never happened. And judging by her vocal tone and the way she talked to me, it was like we had never been better. She even thanked me for throwing all the firewood in the basement.

On the 10th I start with my first work day. Wish me luck! :)

The Leftovers OST / Max Richter - 02 The Departure

The Leftovers OST / Max Richter - 06 Dona Nobis Pacem 1

The Prodigal Son Returns

On the 9th of November I stepped on Estonian soil again. It had been a little over two years since I had been here last and as soon as I got back, I felt like in a way I had never been away.

I got to Tallinn around 1PM and as per usual - it was a cloudy and a cold day. I went and bought myself a SIM card, so I could get in touch with my mother and got myself a coffee (oh, how I had missed the CoffeIn's lattes).
After I had gotten in contact with the world again I sent a quick streak snap (me and Cam were really close to reaching 600 days in a row and I had no intention in blowing it) and told my mother I'm safely on my motherlands surface again. After doing that I walked to the train station, got myself a ticket back to Tapa and preceded on waiting for the train. Once on the train, I didn't have anything to do for the next hour, so I just pulled out my laptop and enjoyed some unseen episodes of "Shameless" (the US version).
As soon as I stepped off the train, mother was in tears again, hugging me like there's no tomorrow. She said that she couldn't believe that I'm back and to be honest, neither did I. In my head I had thought that when I do come back, it'll be just for a visit, but not to live again. But y'know - life doesn't always turn out the way we'd hope. Since we had some time to kill until the bus, then we went and sat at the bus station's bar. I had a Thick soup (seljanka) and black bread, which I hadn't had in a long time and a cup of coffee. She just took a huge glass of tomato juice and enjoyed that while I downed the soup and had my coffee.
Around 4:30PM, the bus pulled up and she sent me on it. At some point she had gotten a bicycle with a tiny rechargeable motor on it, so she took that to and from work every day. She just told me to light the fire in the fireplace once I got home and she should be back in a little while too.
Once she had gotten back, we had dinner, watched some TV, talked a little more and by 9PM she was out like a light and I went to watch "Shameless" in the other room until I fell asleep about an hour or so later.

The next day we got up nice and early and got a bus to Rakvere. I had only one pair of shoes and they were not meant for winter, so we went to get me something a little more appropriate. While there we also caught up with my godmother who has quite happy to see me, as I was to see her, though she has become one of those people with whom I don't know what to talk about, so I mostly just stood aside and let mom chat with her. After about 15 minutes or so, we were already back to the bus station (because we had found the boots already before going for the quick visit to my godmothers work place), where we waited for the bus to take us back home. While waiting, I remember mom stepping aside for a moment to have a cigarette and though it had been over a month of me quitting, I still wanted to go with her so bad and just suck that cancer stick like it's the last thing I do.
After exiting the bus and before heading home, we stopped by my mother's friend's place. Or is he mom's boyfriend. I don't know what to call him. They were married for a few months about two years ago, but I have no idea what kind of a relationship they have nowadays. They seem close, but eh... Don't care, as long as she's happy.
He seemed okay. Having a hangover, so mom made him some soup and they made me coffee, so I just sat there, talked a bit, but mostly let these two do the talking themselves and just waited until it was time to leave again. Once we got home, initially we had planned on going to the shed and getting some firewood, but since it was so cold, we decided on doing that the next day and we just stayed inside for the remainder or the day.

On Sunday the highlight of the day was carrying firewood home and then just staying home for the rest of the day.

On Monday, mom had agreed with grandmother that I come and visit her. I arrived there around lunch time and it was really great to see her, though at the same time extremely sad. First she (as usual) sat me down and made me eat. xD When I was younger she always made me rice soup or pancakes. At the moment all she had were potatoes and meat fresh out from the oven, but they were still really really delicious. So I put butter on the black bread, took some milk and had a great meal. After that I went and sat by her side on the living-room couch and tried to have a conversation. But it's quite difficult when she can barely hear me and I have to talk really loud to get through and it doesn't feel like I'm having a conversation, instead it just feels like I'm screaming at her, because she's too proud to wear her hearing-aid.
As great as it was seeing her, the sad part was hearing about her days. Most of the days she just spends at home, because it's difficult for her to walk, so she doesn't go out, unless someone takes her. On weekdays the first half of the day she sits around and does god-knows-what and then the rest of the day she she spends watching her soap operas, until 9PM when it's time to watch the news after which she goes to sleep to get back up at 5AM or so to start the cycle again. On weekends it's basically the same, just that she doesn't have her soaps to watch. Mom visits her every so often to get her stuff from the store and other relatives visit her sometimes too, though not so often (which is strange to see, because mom had always been the "black sheep" in that family and thus she used to be the one who visits grandmother less than others from mom's sister's side).
When I was younger I used to play lots of board games with grandmother and I thought about doing the same that day, but for some reason decided not to and instead head out, even though there was still a little time until the bus.
So I went to see what mom was up to. At the moment she is working as a cleaner in a nursing home and I was curious to see what it looks like from inside, but she thought it would be best if I don't come in. So we just stayed outside, chatted until she was done with her cigarette and off I went. She asked me to get some more tomato juice for her, so I went and did that and then caught the bus back to my village and stayed home for the rest of the day again.

The following three days I spent at home, not once leaving it. Mostly because it was cold outside and also there's absolutely nothing to do in this god-forsaken village. So I just stayed in, watched my TV shows and looked for jobs online, sending out resumes to places where I thought I might have a chance of getting a position. I was also trying to find a place in the capital again, even though I had no idea how I was going to pay for it without a job yet, but at least I wanted to see what my options were.

On Friday I went to Rakvere again. Since my brother works there and he lives right next door to mom, he was kind enough to take me with him. It was pretty great to drive with him, because even though he has grown into this really cool man (who is expected to become a father in the beginning of next spring), in my mind I still see him as this small little boy who I helped raise until I left home when I was 18 (and he was 10). And even though we don't talk that much with him in general (because he's kind of an introvert and it's not that easy to talk to him, because we also have nothing in common), I still think very highly of him and always wish him the best.
I went to Rakvere to get myself signed up at the Unemployment agency. Mom was hoping that I would get some sort of financial support from them, but after waiting there for an hour and then spending about half an hour with the consultant, I found out that I wasn't eligible for the support, because for the past two years I hadn't been working in Estonia and working in Australia didn't count. So the best they could do for me was to send me job applications and that was it. After great news like that I took the bus again, but this time I took it straight to Tapa, were I went to see my GP. Ideally you are supposed to have an appointment, but at the registration the lady told me that I should just go and sit behind the doc's door and the nurse will take it from there.
There were quite a few people waiting behind the door and the nurse was in and out many times and she saw me there 100%, but only decided to come talk to me about an hour later, when it was a little past 1PM. Obviously she wasn't happy that I didn't have an appointment (even though I told her that I was just told to come and sit here, instead of being told to set an appointment and go back home), but she still agreed to let me go see the doc (also the doc was only supposed to accept patients until 1PM that day).
So after waiting a little bit more, I finally got to see the doc who asked me a few things, checked my temperature, my blood-pressure, my tonsils (I told her they have been swollen for about a month or so now) and gave me some pills to what she thought is IBS and some pain killers for my mild chest pains and mild pains on the left side of my body. Weird thing was that she told me that the pain killers would be in a powder form, but once I got to the pharmacy, they sold me tablets and I was too much in a rush to ask them about it or go back to the nurse to ask about it. So instead once I got home, I didn't take the pain pills at all and I'll just ask about them once I see the doc again.
On the previous evening there were some harsh words exchanged with mother, so the atmosphere from now on was totally different. Instead of a cheerful greeting, there would be a "hello" mumbled from the corner of our mouths and basically that would be it. If in the previous week, after mom would get home, we'd both sit in the lounge, watch TV and talk, then from that day forward, I'd just let her in, once she got home and then come back to the other room and continue doing whatever I as doing on the laptop (either looking for a job or watching "The Leftovers" that I was binging at that time).
She got upset with me that I used an electric kettle, instead of putting a regular kettle on the stove, as it was already hot anyway. I told her that since I'm not used to the fire stove, then I just didn't think of that, but she still wouldn't let go and kept on badgering me about it and eventually I just snapped and told her to go away and that with her tone she's going to take me to the grave, because I felt my blood-pressure go quite high. Strange using her own words against her (that she constantly told me when I was young). Now she's so upset, she barely talks to me. I do feel a little bad hurting her, but at that time it was the truth and I'm not taking it back. And why should I? I can't count the times she was a total nightmare to me when I was growing up, without any good reason and I don't hear any apologies for those times. Not that she actually needs to, as it doesn't change the past, but it would be nice still.
Also the other day I was eating dinner in the other room (there's only the lounge and the bedroom, where I am mostly at lately) and the light was on. Sure, okay the first 30 minutes or so, I was chatting with a friend and the dinner was sort of set aside. Then I started eating and while doing so I hear mother from the lounge: "Are you still eating?" I'm like: "Yeah, I am". And after that silence. Once I got done with eating, I took the plates and stuff to the kitchen and while coming back to the bedroom, I asked her why she asked her question earlier and she said: "Because the light was still on." Immediately I realized that obviously if I wouldn't have been eating, the light should have been turned off to conserve electricity, but as to me having the light on is such a small thing (because it doesn't take that much electricity, as it's just one small regular bulb, not a huge halogen lamp or something like that), so I just scoffed and went back to my laptop.

From Saturday until Monday I sat at home again. Partly watching my shows, partly searching for work and sending out resumes and looking for a flat in the capital.
But instead of finding a perfect flat, I think I found the perfect room with a guy who's as open minded as I am.
On Tuesday (20.11.2018) we called each other for the first time. On the previous evening we had been chatting online for hours and now we called and chatted on the phone for hours. Before the call, I went outside to walk around and go see places I used to hang out as a kid. But only reached the bridge near the river and didn't dare going on, because it was cold and as mom at some point had mentioned, there were quite a few bear sightings near our woods, so my paranoia kicked in and I walked back home. In some ways I think I have found myself a place to live in the capital again.
Now all I have to do is meet up with him and see if his dog likes me (apparently that dog is good at reading people and if the dog doesn't like me, then it's a no go) and find a way to pay for the deposit.

Wednesday was also spent home, staring at my laptop's screen again, but on Thursday I got to go and see the capital again. This time it was so that I could have a job interview, which unfortunately was a total bust, but it was still great to get out of the apartment.
The interview as a bust, because when I applied to it, then it appeared to be a regular phone job, where people would be calling in and I'd be answering questions about the stuff the company sells in Russian (and in spoken Russian I'm pretty good). But once I got there, they wanted me to take a written test and in writing I'm pretty bad. Turned out in addition to answering phone calls, I'd also have to answer their customers via chats and those would have to be in Russian and since I can't write in that language at all, we agreed that it's pointless to even take the test, so I thanked the interviewer and left the office. I was there for about 2 minutes maximum. xD
Then I just went out for a walk on the city. Even though it was a cold day, it was still nice to walk around. At one point I ran into my first supervisor from the company where I had worked for 6 years. She was still her old cheerful self, even though a lot of stuff had been happening to her since the last time we saw each other. Though as much as I liked running into her and as much as I love her as a person, it was also quite difficult in a way to run into anyone like that, because it was so random and came out of nowhere and in moments like that I freeze up in a way. Of course I maintained my smile and did some chit-chatting, but inside I was stiff as a board and all I wanted to do was run away and do this again when I'm more ready. Luckily (or sadly) she was on her lunch break, so she didn't have that much time anyway, so we said our farewells and off I went.
It was quite strange walking down the path I had walked so many times before moving to Australia. I walked past my old work place and everything was still as it was before (only the building across the road from it was now completed). The next two hours I spent just wandering around aimlessly in the small city center. I had made plans with a friend to meet up for a coffee, but since there was a lot of time until that, I managed to walk around the city center and also in the Old Town and take snaps of it to send to my friends abroad.
One strange thing happened when I was stepping into one of the huge malls in the center of the city. While walking in, I felt a little lightheaded. Either it was from all the coffee I had had (two cups before leaving the house in the morning and the third one in one of the CoffeeIn shops in Tallinn) or it was the sudden temperature change once I got into the mall or it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything that day and had done A LOT of walking around, but I just felt a sudden urge to sit down. Luckily that mall has seats available, so I was able to park my behind on one of these chairs and take a moment. My left shoulder had been aching also that day, so perhaps that had something to do with feeling like I would pass out. But luckily after sitting down for a few minutes, I felt okay enough to move again, so I headed back outside and walked around until it was time to meet up with my friend.
After a quick lunch with someone I hadn't seen in more than three or four years, he took me to the Baltic Railway station and off I was again to Tapa, from where I took the bus to my home village again.
Even though the interview that day was a bust, I finally got an e-mail from the company that I actually want to work for, because one of my friends works there and he has told me good things about that company, so I'm not blindly walking into something bad. After a few e-mail exchanges, we agreed that I'll come for an interview next Friday, the 30th of November.

Writing all of this, I can't believe I'm doing this all over again. I feel like I'm back in the beginning, when I was 18, starting from scratch again - no money, no job, no place to live, just a lot of different kind of experiences.
In some ways it's kind of cool, because I don't know what's coming, but another way it sucks (and not in a good way), because I don't know what's coming... It also sucks (and in some ways it's embarrassing) to be 30 and not being able to stand on my own to feet. But then again I'm blessed to have the things and the people that I have, because there are people out there who have much less then I do, so I shouldn't complain. :)


Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart

Down Under: A Different Start

Meredith: [voiceover] We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are no better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are all still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths.

I landed in Melbourne on the 4th of November. It was my first time in Australia and by that time the only thought in my mind was: I need a cigarette. That was because during my 13 hour layover in Beijing, I wasn't allowed to leave the airport to have a quick smoke and inside the building there were no smoking facilities, plus they took away my lighter at the security check point. Luckily shortly after exiting the airport a young guy approached me and asked if I had a cigarette. I told him that I'd be happy to share one with him (back then I was blissfully unaware of how crazy-expensive cigarettes are in this country) in exchange for a light.
While smoking happily in this beautiful country, the guy told me that he was a local guy going to Perth for a bit and even gave me his lighter (he had others, plus I got to use this lighter for over a month and a half). He told me that to get into town I have to take a big red double decker, otherwise it's a long walk to the centre (I really should have done my homework first).
So I bought a one-way ticket to the city (18$!!!). Luckily the bus had a wifi, so I was able to get in touch with the world again and activate a sim card that I had purchased earlier from the airport (also still blissfully unaware that though this provider had one of the best network coverages throughout all of Australia, it was also one of the most expensive ones).
I got off from the Southern Cross Station and dragged my ass to the hostel, through a surprisingly warm day (I was expecting something much colder for this time of year). And of course as soon as I stepped out from the station, one of the first things I did - take a quick photo for Instagram, but since I hate looking like a tourist, it took me about 4 seconds to take the picture. Just took my phone out and took a quick snap at a big(ish) intersection. Wasn't one of my masterpieces, but the Instagram filters saved it a bit(ish).